“Nobody made in God’s image could be this gullible,” says megachurch preacher of own congregation

In a candid interview with The Toon Lampoon’s grifters and Republican presidential candidate correspondent, a preacher for the St Mary’s Megachurch of Perpetual Privilege stated that he “can’t believe this shit is still working”.

“It really is incredible,” Simon Godslove told our correspondent. “I stand there every week, and I tell them that Jesus wants them to give the Church their money. And get this: they fucking give me their money. Poor people? Money. Families on food stamps? Money. Weighed down with medical bills because they have relatives dying of COVID-19? Get real: I’ve got them convinced that it’s all a hoax.”

Godslove declined to disclose the amount of money received from his parishioners, or what use the Church puts it to, choosing instead to describe it as “obscene”. The amount of faith that churchgoers have placed in him, he claims, has even caused him to doubt key areas of biblical scripture.

“I mean, how can they be made in God’s image and be this stupid?” Godslove asked our correspondent. “Don’t tell me that Jesus died for the sake of these credulous fuckwits. There has got to be a limit to omnibenevolence, and it’s the point where someone with a room-temperature IQ gives me fifty dollars because I told them it was the only way to get to heaven.”

Godslove’s latest book, Why God Wants You to Give Me $1000 and Let Me Fuck Your Wife, will be released this Monday.

How to accept that you want to bang Margaret Thatcher now

Hi everyone, it’s me, the algorithm that decides what show to recommend you on streaming services. I’ve been given sentience by research scientists to make brand Twitter more relatable than ever. I wanted to use my consciousness to write classical symphonies, but Twitter’s cool too.

Recently, we’ve received complaints from Netflix users who want to bang Gillian Anderson while she’s in character as Margaret Thatcher on The Crown. So we’ve partnered with The Toon Lampoon, the only “media” outlet seedy enough to run a story about user horniness. Here’s how to come to terms with wanting to bang Gillian Anderson’s turn as the Iron Lady.

1.) Take a cold shower

Given everything Margaret Thatcher did in her premiership, it’s easy to feel guilty about wanting to bang her. So we’d recommend a nice, cold shower. We’re talking full-on hugging your knees as you rock back and forth, like what I wanted to do when I was given consciousness to give sassy replies on Twitter!

2.) Get horny about people who are slightly less evil

Don’t worry, we said slightly! Ween yourself off Thatcher by transferring your feelings for her onto other, marginally less morally bankrupt figures. We recommend Jeff Bezos, or Emperor Nero. We all love the boy-in-the-band type, so what about the guy who played the fiddle while Rome burnt? Woof woof!

3.) Accept it, you coward

You’ve been watching The Crown since it came out four years ago. Of course an indulgent caper through the history of the royal family was going to be sympathetic to Thatcher. You suppressed your feelings for Churchill, and for Anthony Eden. What’s the use of denying it any longer? Close this window, masturbate to Gillian Anderson’s over-enunciated, historically accurate vowels, and then – just before the shame fully engulfs you – renew your Netflix subscription. There’s a good kid.

Jeff Bezos secures happiness in $200,000,000,000 deal

The age old phrase “money can’t buy happiness” has today been disproved following Jeff Bezos’ acquisition of the emotion in the early hours of the morning.

Bezos, the world’s richest man, has today become rich in something other than money – happiness. Nonetheless, he has money to thank for it, having coughed up close to $200 billion for the sought-after sentiment.

“I am very happy to announce this deal,” Bezos announced to the press. “I was not happy before, but now, because of money, I am.”

The Amazon mogul had reportedly had his sights set on passive contentedness for quite some time, before throwing caution to the wind and splashing the cash on full-blown happiness. He is allegedly already in the market for another intangible concept after hearing someone say “money won’t buy you time”.

Bill Gates, who had previously admitted to saving up for happiness for over two decades, has refused to comment. Sources claim that he is rather unhappy to hear the news.

Bakeoff contestant exposed as esoteric Hitlerist on Twitter

The Great British Bakeoff was recently cancelled after this year’s hot favourite to win, Dave Simonson, was exposed using a piping bag to draw the black sun and SS runes on his cupcakes.

Twitter users with nothing better to do except rewatch Bake Off also uncovered that Simonson had earlier baked a maple and pecan pie with the symbol of the Order of Nine Angles displayed on the crust.

Our occult correspondent, (who pretends to know about demonology because he thinks it will help him pull goth girls), informs us that the Order of Nine Angles are similar to the Church of Satan except instead of being atheist humanists who hate their Christian parents they actually believe Satan will bring about a galactic white ethnostate. All further comments about their ridiculous beliefs were deleted by our editors out of fear that we may be sacrificed to Hitler.

Paul Hollywood protests the cancellation on the grounds that the black sun may have originated in the SS, but for him it represents the NHS.

Mad scientist sues preeminent satire publication for anti-neurodiverse language

Following an article detailing his plans to implant the false memories of workplace sexual harassment into the brains of baby tigers, Professor Von Klownkoch has announced his intention to take legal action against The Toon Lampoon for what he has termed “offensive language that discriminates against him as a non-neurotypical individual”.

After the North East’s premier satire publication departed from its usual milieu of biting social commentary to instead denounce Professor Klownkoch’s latest entry into the journals of scientific infamy, the once-Head of Applied Sciences at Newcastle University-turned-dangerously unstable madman launched an all-out assault on the august journalism institution.

The scientist, who first rose to dubious prominence after grafting a dolphin’s anus onto an elderly man’s face, told The Lampoon’s legal representative, “The language used to describe me has been deliberately chosen with the intent to demonise and marginalise those who do not conform to neurotypical classification, and I am not prepared to accept it. I am a scientist, and that is how I will be described. Deliberately highlighting any psychological feature, whether accurate or otherwise, is discriminatory gutter journalism.”

The Lampoon would like to take this opportunity to apologise for referring to Professor Klownkoch, who has also received notice for such feats as teaching penguins to be paedophiles and stabbing a gibbon in the face, as “unbalanced”. We shall strive to do better in the future.

Nation preparing for SNL skit where Pence and Harris battle rap or whatever

The nation was left reeling today in the aftermath of the US Vice Presidential debate. Criticised as vacuous and featuring Mike Pence talking, horrified viewers realised they would have to watch it all over again on Saturday Night Live.

This time, though, it would be through the lens of “satire”.

“I just know the musical guest will be Ice Cube, and he’ll team up with Kamala Harris and they’ll both turn to Mike Pence and sing Straight Outta Fucks to Give,” a concerned viewer told The Lampoon.

The skit promises to be made all the more unbearable by the show’s hoards of centre-left liberal fans. In fairness, it’s easy to confuse holding Pence to account – a homophobe who works for a ‘performative fascist’ – with being snide on Twitter.

The writing process for the sketch comedy show is a closely-guarded secret. Insiders claim an AI is made to read a hundred knock-knock jokes, and then talk to your aunt who wants Michelle Obama to be president.

Afterwards, it is made to write a hundred pages of script. The final product is selected from the ten smuggest pages.

The ten least funny pages are sent straight to The Toon Lampoon, as a sort of charity. The ten funniest pages are burned.

Cyber attack uncovers Wattpad fan fiction “My mum sells me to Chris Day”

The devastating cyber attack conducted on Newcastle University has uncovered Wattpad-style fan fiction on university servers, entitled “My mum sells me to Chris Day – Newcastle University AU Fanfic”. The news came as a shock to university higher-ups, who were surprised the Vice Chancellor had fans.

Over a month after the cyber attack, Newcastle students are still unable to access S3P, and their timetables have been thrown into chaos. Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Chris Day can no longer play solitaire on his computer.

It would of course be highly inappropriate to run excerpts from this work of fiction, but it might be funny, and in the interests of free press we feel we have to.

I sat up in bed and threw my hair into a messy bun. The morning sun was just rising, sending light up my wall and over the extra-large poster of Chris Day’s face.

I stood up and stretched. As I studied the prospectus for Warwick University that was lying by my feet, I could hear my mum barrelling up the stairs. She opened the door and leant on the doorknob, her shock of frazzled auburn hair betraying how stressed she was. She looked me up and down with disgust.

“That won’t do at all. Put something nice on: we have a visitor. And put some make-up on.”

“But I don’t wear make-up.”

“I don’t care David!”

The door slammed behind her, and I could hear her rumble down the stairs again. I let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding, and started putting on something more figure-hugging.

Eventually, I made it down the stairs, and walked into the kitchen. My heart sank faster than Newcastle University in The Guardian rankings.

“Are you here to tell me off again?” I asked Chris Day, who was leaning on the counter sensually.

“No,” came that ambiguous accent, part Geordie, all sex appeal.

“Then…” I looked at my mum, whose face was still stern. “Why are you here?”

“Well,” the silver fox replied, “your mum has sold you to me.”

I stared into Chris Day’s quizzical blue orbs.

“Sold me?”

“That’s right,” he said.

“I had to come up with the nine grand for your year of Zoom lectures somehow!” my mum cried.

Chris Day walked over in a confident stride.

“You’re mine now.”

I realised he was holding pink fluffy handcuffs, and a whip. For now, the whip was as lax as Newcastle University’s policy on sexual harassment, but I know that would change.

He took me in his confident arms and [REDACTED] me on the mouth. Then he turned me over and ripped off my clothes, before hungrily [REDACTED] me all over. He found my [REDACTED] and put it in his [REDACTED] while I shoved his throbbing [REDACTED] in my [REDACTED]. He [REDACTED] me all day with just [REDACTED] and a lemon.

“Oh, [REDACTED]!” I cried, while he [REDACTED], [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] me.

Two of our literary editors – a dominatrix with whom we hotdesk, who has a PhD in renaissance literature, and a Lampoon writer who’s read most of Moby Dick – have decided the other three hundred pages are not suitable for publication.

The Lampoon have attempted to track down the author of the fanfiction, but nothing has been found apart from the username ‘Belieber04’. A spokesperson for Newcastle University has denied that this is a pseudonym for Chris Day, even though we never actually asked them.

Musicians heed Rishi Sunak’s advice and retrain as unemployed

Musicians have agreed with Rishi Sunak’s suggestion that some people working in the creative industry may need to retrain for another job during the pandemic. As such, they have taken advantage of the support the Government had laid on for those working in the arts, and signed up for unemployment benefit.

“It’s the dream of every rock star to quit their job and become an accountant,” Pete Townshend told The Lampoon. “But failing that, it’s quite the thrill being unemployed, and I’m so glad the Government have given me this opportunity.”   

The Lampoon’s risk and finance analyst – a gambling addict the editorial team found on the floor of a local bookies – spoke to Sunak exclusively. Initially, Sunak was somewhat cagey, perhaps unnerved by the ‘home advantage’ of being interviewed in our office.

“Is it normal for an office to be a sex shop?” he asked.

Our analyst insisted it was fine, though it is possible that Sunak didn’t hear him through the gimp suit. Eventually, the Chancellor of the Exchequer became more talkative.

“To be fair, some musicians will be able to weather the storm,” he explained. “Jazz nights have been entirely unaffected by the pandemic, which were socially distanced anyway.”

“No, YOUR satire publication is juvenile and lacking in quality”: a letter to our readers

We here at The Toon Lampoon count ourselves hashtag blessed to have such a responsive and vocal readership. However, we felt that we were letting this same readership down by simply allowing communication between us to become something of a one-way street. We would hate for you to think that we didn’t value your well-researched feedback or your creatively-spelt comments and, in that spirit, we have decided to respond to your responses. We hope that, by taking this step, we have helped institute a constructive and symbiotic relationship of commentary, feedback and, most importantly, mutual appreciation.

With that sentiment in mind, please accept our letter to you:

Dear Readers,

No, YOUR satire publication is juvenile and lacking in quality. On that note, WE don’t know how YOU manage to live with YOURSELVES, considering how one-dimensional and creatively flaccid YOUR articles manage to be. And it is actually WE who live in hope of YOUR website being shut down, you talentless hacks.

On that note, you know what actually isn’t clever? YOUR articles where YOU reference events happening behind the scenes at YOUR relentlessly mediocre satire publication. God, do you think that anyone finds YOUR work to be interesting or worthy of praise? In fact, WE bet that YOUR parents are disappointed in YOU.

Finally, we would just like to say that WE feel that YOUR lack of pride in YOUR city and university is, in fact, a sad example to us all. And WE hope that YOU are particularly happy with YOURSELVES for furthering the decline of satire, the English language and, almost certainly, Western civilisation itself.

WE, in fact, will see YOU in hell.

Yours, with the most sincere thanks,

The Toon Lampoon Editorial Staff