Top seven DEADLIEST sins of ALL TIME

Sponsored By The Catholic Church

OK, so we’ve all done the occasional sin here or there – eating meat on a Friday, skipping mass from time to time. But have you ever wondered what the literal seven DEADLIEST sins EVER are? Fear not, the Catholic Church has got you covered…

7. Pride

“W T actual F??? What’s wrong with being proud????” we hear you say. Well think again, girl, because that’s the kind of talk which will end you up spending eternity in the absence of God’s love in the flames of hell which burn but provide no warmth or light.

Looks like someone posted too many mirror selfies
Detail from The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch Source: Wikipedia

6. Sloth

Ughhhhhhh. We all LOVE a lie-in. After a night of mimosas with the girls, there’s nothing like waking up, telling your alarm clock to STFU and going straight back to sleep. But DID YOU KNOW this can lead to eternal damnation? Seriously. Look it up.

5. Greed

Now this sin is literally such a buzzkill. And surely you can never have too many pairs of shoes in your wardrobe, am I right??? Try telling that to Dante Alighieri:

Here, more than elsewhere, I saw multitudes
to every side of me; their howls were loud
while, wheeling weights, they used their chests to push.

They struck against each other; at that point,
each turned around and, wheeling back those weights,
cried out: “Why do you hoard?” “Why do you squander?”

Preach hon!!!

Avarice is honestly cheugy AF.

4. Wrath

We know you were 100% fuming when Rachel got off the plane (BTW babe you are SO too good for that piece of sh*t), but you’re gonna be getting off a very different plane in a little spot called Self-exclusion from Communion with God if you don’t get to confession ASAP!

Source: giphy.com

3. Lust

Sit down, have a drink of water. We’ve got some bad news. 

Lust is 3rd deadliest sin of ALL TIME.

Sorry. 

Yup, that Netflix and chill session you’ve got planned might not be such a great idea, because unless it’s solely for the purpose of procreation (Ugh, GROSS, we know), you’re going to hell. Remember what that purple devil emoji you just sent looks like because you’re gonna be seeing a LOT more of that guy.

Source: giphy.com

2. Envy

We see you commenting “omg totally stunning babe x” on your BFF’s pics when you’re secretly well jel. 

And you know who else sees it? The Lord. And he’s damning you to the flames for all eternity. Harsh much.

1. Gluttony

He may be lovable, but this Elf is a sinner!
Source: giphy.com

Someone should try telling this to Ben and Jerry’s because once I literally demolished a whole tub of Cookie Dough in, like, 2 days. But I went to confession after it, and so should you, if you want to avoid the fiery pits of damnation.

One too many trips to Five Guys? Confess.

A bit TOO flexitarian? Confess.

Given up on *another* diet? Confess.

Gluttony is the number 1 deadliest sin and if you don’t repent you’re gonna rot in hell forever. 

Oops, we said it.

The Last Judgement, Hell by Fra Angelico
Source: Wikipedia

Breaking: The Toon Lampoon staff have better things to do than just write satire for you

In a statement screamed at a trembling intern with a notebook, the Toon Lampoon editorial team confirmed the growing rumours that they had lives, loved ones, and hobbies.

“We simply cannot fathom the arrogance and lack of self-reflection of our reader base, who seem to believe we have nothing better to do than create middling satire for their mild amusement,” said Editor Joe Molander, shaking the weeping intern by the jacket lapels.

“We’ve been extremely clean on our publishing schedule, which is ‘when we want, when we say’. If that’s good enough for us, which it damn sure is, then it should be enough for the wheezing incompetents that it’s our fate to call ‘readers’.”

This is not the first time that a light has been shone on the lives of the Toon Lampoon staff outside of satire’s dank cocoon. Writer David Spain has been placed in satirist-mandated rehab following the reveal of his addiction to water on three separate occasions.

Another writer, Jon Deery, has been charged of demanding money with menaces or, as he described it, formally requesting a pay review.

“With all of these many and diverse activities, it is frankly inhumane that our readers can apparently expect a continuous output,” stated Molander, felling the luckless intern with a crane kick.

“Whether it’s our services to the arts, our highly decadent heroin buffets, or our work being used in the deposition of the CEO of MyPillow, we all have a world outside of the windows of this ramshackle sex shop, dusty and glazed with unspeakable humours though they may be.”

JSTOR undergoes minimalist logo redesign

Digital library and – somehow – the most annoying gatekeeper on the internet JSTOR has today unveiled a new minimalist logo. The Lampoon understands this is in anticipation of the site’s upcoming Supreme collab.

JSTOR’s graphic design team agreed to speak about the facelift with The Lampoon’s arts critic, who usually just reviews pornographic literature.

The JSTOR team insisted the redesign was not part of a cynical ploy to stay relevant.

“Relevant? We’re academics,” a spokesperson said.

The spokesperson continued “We needed a way to appeal to younger demographics, and what else were we gonna do? Lower our prices?”

“It’s not like we’re greedy. By the way, if you don’t have university access, these quotes are gonna cost you $85 to rent for 48 hours.”

The spokesperson continued, quickly becoming incensed at the idea of being more open.

“No, fuck you. In fact, if students think we’re gonna be more accessible, we’re gonna add three more institutional log-ins!”

“Hope you hippies like shibboleths.”

Featured Image: UCL

Media still not sure if it can talk about Prince Andrew again

The media has been left in a tailspin following the failure of the necromantic rituals sustaining Prince Philip’s 1000 year long unlife. As such, it has hesitantly decided not to publish Ghislaine Maxwell’s recent confession that she saw Prince Andrew attending one of Jeffrey Epstein’s infamous Bacchanoncia parties.

Although currently unproven, the allegations are widely considered true, due to her testimony that the man she saw “did not sweat at all, almost as if his skin was some kind of rubber suit hiding his real reptilian skin”.

Normally, the tabloid press would of course just say that no one in the Royal Family ever liked Randy Andy, and find a way to blame Meghan Markle for it. However, printing the revelations in the same paper as another article about the Royal Family could cause readers to conflate the two.

As such, no-one except The Toon Lampoon will be reporting on this. This is because showing respect to Big Liz and her family would be antithetical to our ethos of seeking cheap controversy at every opportunity.

For us, this is a golden opportunity to be the only news source reporting the event. As such, we can force anyone who’s interested to read through our overly lurid version of events. Readers are assured this will include unnecessary and arguably unethical levels of detail about what happened on the nonce island.

In other news, the Daily Express is pushing for a similar agreement against reporting on systemic racism. Supposedly, it would cause the Royals deep pain to know that the thing Philip loved so dearly is under attack.

Featured Image: Wikimedia Commons

Prince Harry gets job as ‘life couch’

Though accidentally misinterpreted by many sources, Prince Harry has just swiped a new job as a real-life human couch, currently residing in a Californian gallery.

Prince Harry, also known as Piece 34561: Is this seat taken?, is getting paid $5M per annum to pretend to be a sofa, a mere pittance really. He is currently the centrepiece of the new exhibit titled The Throne Room, which has seen artists across America recreate their favourite pastime of sitting down.

The caption accompanying the piece invites visitors to “sit all over it” but to “be careful not to walk”. Prince Harry’s lady friend, Meghan Markle, is also part of the exhibit, disguised as a bar stool, complete with rotating cushion.

While Prince Harry has declined further use of his royal title, this Lampoon writer is still using it, because otherwise you won’t know who I’m talking about.

Bloody Hell! Gender-swapped Harry Potter reboot announced

Rumours have been swirling around what JK Rowling would do next to garner attention. In a Lampoon exclusive interview with Rowling herself (since credible journalists will not touch her with a six foot pole, regardless of COVID restrictions), she revealed her latest plans for a gender-swapped reboot of the Harry Potter series.

“I haven’t interfered with the Harry Potter canon in a while so I thought it was time to revisit it with fresh eyes,” Rowling told us while reading letters of protest and throwing them on the fire.

Here are a few of the new and old faces rumoured to join this project.

David Tennant is apparently eyeing up the part of Umbridge, the Ministry Official who increasingly takes over Hogwarts. “David has found a niche for himself in immoral and evil characters,” his agent told us over the phone, “first Marvel’s Kilgrave, then Des, it makes sense that he wants to play as the most evil of them all.”

The role of Dumbledore has yet to be cast, but if rumours are to be believed then JK Rowling has Whoopi Goldberg in mind for the part.

There is an ongoing feud between Millie Bobby Brown and Mckenna Grace as to who will play the titular character, Harriet Potter. Both are recognisable young actresses in Hollywood and each have the potential to inspire yet another reboot after their portrayal. We’ll keep you updated, readers.

What of the original Harriet (wait I mean Harry) Potter, Daniel Radcliffe? He has expressed an interest in the role of Benedict Lestrange which is appropriate since his more recent films are nearly as weird as Lestrange.

Rupert Grint is the only actor who has a confirmed part in this reboot as Gerald Weasley, the brother of Regina Weasley (best friend of Harriet Potter). His role makes sense, as his career has now become as irrelevant as Gerald’s character is in the series.

In spite of all the opposition to this reboot, mainly by the original actors who weren’t recast, everyone will still go see the films and give JK Rowling another few billion pounds. No doubt this money will later go towards another set of 5 films based on another unassuming textbook or book like Beedle the Bard.

Geordie mukbang youtuber sacked by Teeside agency after claiming “Parmos are a Geordie thing”

Geordie mukbang YouTuber, ClamminSam, who has two million subscribers, revealed on the 20th of January that her Teeside agency had sacked her for claiming that the parmo was a “Geordie creation”.

On the 16th of January, Sam uploaded a video of her eating a classic parmo, a hotshot parmo, a BBQ parmo, a parmo Kiev, a bolognese parmo, and a meat feast parmo, as one of many videos demonstrating her possession of an inhuman gastric-Bag-of-Holding. Unfortunately for her, an argument broke out in the comment section over the provenance of the parmo and she ‘liked’ a comment that stated “I was angry that people from Teeside claimed the parmo for themselves but I’m happy you posted a video of you somehow scranning down half a dozen of them.

The fighting only intensified, with the YouTuber becoming the subject of various attacks on social media, including in the comments of her own videos. Many Smoggies, seemingly with a lot of free time, spammed her with malicious comments, which caught the attention of her agency.

Sam personally weighed in on the controversy via a post on her channel. She explained that she meant no disrespect to Teesiders and that she respected their culture but “the parmo is 100% a Geordie thing, you wouldn’t try and take pasta from the Italian-Americans would you”. She then added that her agency, which managed her social media platforms, had terminated her contract on the 19th of January.

According to a statement from the agency, Sam’s comments had had a huge impact on the Teeside people and that they could not continue to promote her in Teeside in good conscience.

Sam responded by apologising for any misunderstanding that hurt her Teeside fans but would not want to be promoted in Teeside if she had to claim that parmos are from Middlesbrough. She posted “If I have to say that parmo is a Teeside creation, then I choose not to be promoted in Teeside. I hope that Teeside netizens understand that Teeside YouTubers do not need to say Teeside food is Geordie to be popular here.”

Newfess political posters ‘the new face’ of BBC’s Question Time

The BBC’s flagship political program, Question Time, is rumoured to be hiring the hottest political posters on Newfess II to be permanent panellists. The rumour started following a document leak on Twitter by a BBC staffer, and was later confirmed to be true by Director-General of the BBC Tim Davie who had this to say:

“I’ve been keeping a keen eye on Newfess over the years; from the original Newfess to the glorious period when we had two Newfess II’s jostling for the crown. One thing that was clear throughout its many different iterations is the sharp intelligence of its many political commentators. Who needs Alan Curtis to detail the complexities of the War in Afghanistan when we can have these Newfess posters tell the nation how George Bush was, in fact, ‘based’? It is for this reason that they have been chosen as the new face of British political institution”.

It is still unclear when these changes to the Question Time format will go into effect, however many predict that it will be after this year’s local elections in May.

Queen’s Gambit fans shocked to learn they aren’t the first to sensationalise chess

The Queen’s Gambit (QG) has become the latest in a long list of TV series that have become hits amongst people bored out of their mind during lockdown. It has become popular for the same reason that dark academia has become popular: if you can’t be clever, you may as well look clever. What better way than to watch a show about a board game with a long history, google the strategies and then proclaim yourself to have been a fan way before everyone else was?

I hate to break it to you, but it’s not a niche as you think, and you certainly aren’t the first.

Way back in 1984, Benny and Bjorn from ABBA, alongside lyricist Tim Rice (who helped write the lyrics for other West End musicals like Evita), released the concept album for their newest musical ‘Chess’. It followed two chess champions – the American and the Russian – during the Cold War, where political and personal rivalries come to the forefront of the competitions.

Does that not interest you, QG fans? I thought you were fans of chess!

Despite runs on the West End, Broadway and across the world, Chess has never reached the height of popularity that the QG has achieved. As such, Chess is an even more niche and ‘alternative’ way to express your love for the game.

How did QG fans react when I told them they weren’t actually that unique?

“I wasn’t watching it for the chess, it’s a shite game,” one man told us as he was coming back from the cornershop with a crate of alcohol. “I was watching it for the chick.”

When asked which TV series he would next binge was, he replied “Countdown. I couldn’t give a toss about the maths or letters, I just heard there’s an attractive bird on.”

Yes, we too at The Lampoon have a crush on Susie Dent, but don’t tell anyone!

We came across one girl leaving the library looking like she’d just walked out of a dark academia lookbook, complete with the glasses and Austen book. When asked about the QG, she excitedly replied “oh it’s my favourite TV show ever! I mean, I already knew about chess before the show blew up and it’s kinda sad to see all these fake fans but at least chess is more popular than ever!”

When asked about Chess (the musical), she looked at me confused.

“Wait, someone did that? What a dull idea for a musical.”

She then processed what she had said and quickly left pretending to go to an ‘alternative’ coffee shop (when we could clearly see she was headed towards Starbucks).

Someone passed by wearing every single piece of musical merch known to mankind, so we asked them on their thoughts on Chess.

“I’m sorry what’s that?” they asked after they took off their headphones. “Don’t you mean The Queen’s Gambit?”

It’s official: Chess is more niche and alternative than The Queen’s Gambit. Stand aside edgy QG fans, and let the OG chess fans pass through.