McDonald’s celebrates Veganuary by launching vegan water

McDonalds marked its most innovative entry yet into the cruelty-free market by debuting its vegan water in time for Veganuary.

Veganuary is a month where social media influencers give up meat and dairy products to appear more ethical and charge companies hefty fees for sponsored posts featuring tofu and soya milk.

The fast food chain launched its Vegan McWater, which retails at £2, after noticing high demand from its five vegan customers.

“There really was a gap in the market for us to trial a cruelty-free beverage,” McDonalds’ Head of Product Innovation Keith Sandwich told The Toon Lampoon‘s restaurant correspondent.

“In the past we just served customers the water we used to clean our chicken nugget fryers, but the poor Veganuary buggers are already having to put up with vegan food for a month, so we thought we’d treat them to some cruelty-free water to wash down the taste of vegetables and fake chicken.”

After the 2020 everyone had, during which around 1.82 million people around the world died of COVID-19 and more Black Americans died as a result of the country’s systemic racism, McDonalds told us its vegan water is a great way to celebrate the new year.

“And, with the pubs closed, it’s not like we’ve got much competition in the drinks department,” Sandwich laughed.

The mass advertising campaign accompanying the product’s launch is to spread awareness of the health benefits of a vegan diet and has nothing to do with cashing in on the growing vegan market, Sandwich added hastily.

For the month of Veganuary only, McDonalds is offering a free bottle of Vegan McWater with any beef burger from its menu.

Featured image: Cruiser on Wikimedia Commons

Limited edition Margaret Thatcher Sex Doll already sold out

Despite being described by many as a hellish marriage of right wing views and the height of poor taste, it was today announced that the limited range of sex dolls crafted in the image of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has already been completely sold out.

“It’s no surprise, honestly,” said Chief of Fuckpuppet Design Arthur Clamp. “We’ve poured millions into this product, and I believe that it is the most accurate simulacrum of the former premier that there has ever been.”

The Margaret Thatcher Privatesteasation 5000 is reportedly the most advanced sex doll that has ever been produced, boasting an array of never-seen-before features, including a selection of the three-term Prime Minister’s famous quotes that the doll can be programmed to say mid-coitus.

“We are especially proud of the doll’s vocal performance,” Clamp told The Lampoon. “There are snippets from her speeches in there, of course, as well as the whole episode of Yes, Prime Minister that the old girl wrote, with the option for it to be clearly enunciated in her signature style or else muffled and unclear should the doll’s mouth be…obstructed.”

In a further reveal, Clamp announced that any dolls sold to certain areas of the United Kingdom would be shipped with an attachable twelve-inch phallus, “in the event that anyone in the North of England, or Scotland, or Wales, or Ireland would like to turn back the clock and experience the sensation of being roughly fucked by the Iron Lady.”

Masochist settles down to watch Doctor Who special

A local masochist is reportedly getting all comfy to watch the New Year’s Day special of Doctor Who. This follows a long day of bondage, extreme pain endurance and reading The Toon Lampoon.

The masochist told our reporter “Honestly, I’ve made my way this far through the Whittaker era, I may as well keep going.”

“If I’m feeling particularly masochistic, I might even read the fans’ Reddit posts about casting a woman as the Doctor.”

The main issue with becoming a Doctor Who fan is, of course, the increase in sex appeal. This is balanced out, though, by the fact that one’s social life becomes far easier to manage after losing most of one’s friends.

Our reporter was well-qualified to cover this story, in a first for The Lampoon. In our office – which is located in a sex shop – all our staff hotdesk with dominatrices.

It should be known, though, that our reporter only did the polite amount of BDSM sex with the masochist. This was followed almost immediately by the impolite amount.

Disney preview 100+ new projects in new announcement

Following the success of season 2 of The Mandalorian, Disney have commissioned a further twenty-seven series in the Star Wars universe for Disney+. This announcement arrives alongide nearly one-hundred other new projects from various Disney properties that will release over the next decade.

One of the new Star Wars series will be an anthology that follows a multitude of racially stereotyping characters from the prequels. Another will chronicle the rise and fall of Elan Sleazebaggano, the shady bloke who tries to sell death sticks to Obi-Wan in Attack of the Clones (2002). Perhaps most exciting of all is Yoda Returns – which will follow Yoda somehow returning to life in extremely unlikely circumstances following his death in Return of the Jedi (1983).

The Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) has also grown significantly with the new announcements. Fan-favourite characters like Hindsight Lad, Asbestos Lady and Doctor Bong (all real characters, look it up) will all get their own feature film. Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige has already confirmed that there will be “plenty of epic scenes where all the female characters happen to appear at the same time” across the new projects.

It is believed that six of the Seven Dwarfs from Snow White (1937) will have their own limited series coming 2024. Sleepy, due to his untimely death, has not signed on for his own series – but rumours are aswirl that he may make a CGI appreance in Grumpy’s show. The Magic Mirror has refused to comment on if it will appear in any of the series.

Along with a multitude of animated features, Disney have announced a live-aciton ‘reimagining’ of Finding Nemo (2003). Casting includes Matt Damon as Marlin, Angelina Jolie as Dory, Jason Momoa as Bruce, and the kid from Stranger Things as Nemo. Minimal CGI will be used, with director Tom Hooper going for a “organic” approach.

The first of the new Disney+ projects will roll out this summer. Cars 2: 2, a sequel to the second Cars film, is due to arrive in early June. Law-Abiding Citizens of the Caribbean, a Pirates of the Caribbean spin-off starring Steve Buscemi, will arrive shortly after in July.

Grandma standing in the way of child’s dream of a hot babysitter once again

A young boy who had always dreamed of being minded by a hot babysitter had his hopes crushed after his parents revealed that, for the fifth time this month, it would be his grandmother babysitting him yet again.

“I don’t know why my parents keep asking her back,” the boy told our reporter, struggling to hold back the tears.

“Could she swap with one of her hot senior friends just once? At this point a GILF will work fine.”

The boy admitted that his grandmother doesn’t charge for the service, sends him to bed at a sensible time, and has never been found stealing whiskey from his parents’ drinks cabinet.

“Grandma always behaves very respectfully, but I didn’t think that’s what babysitters are meant to do,” the boy said.

“I feel like I’ve missed out on a vital coming-of-age experience. My sexual awakening will be delayed, and it’s all my parents’ fault.”

The boy also admitted that he had once put laxatives in his grandmother’s tea in that hope that she would be forced to return home and call a hot young babysitter to stand in in her place. Instead, his grandmother was physically unable to leave the house for fear of having an accident on the way home, and the boy had to spent the evening avoiding the bad smell in the bathroom.

“I don’t know what to do,” the boy told our reporter despairingly. “I just want someone to think about at bedtime who isn’t a Blue Peter presenter. I’ve ever resorted to printing out pictures of the Blue Peter pets to keep under my pillow.”

The Toon Lampoon’s Head of Human Resources, who relies on a babysitter himself to tell him to stop trolling online and put him to bed every night, shared personal recommendations with the boy.

Image: Pixnio

Boris Johnson announces his New Year’s resolution: to do “more of a Tony Soprano sort of thing”

Following up on his promise to create a deal between the UK and the EU, Boris Johnson has made a new pledge, promising to fulfil a New Year’s resolution to become “thirty percent more Tony Soprano-esque.”

“The Prime Minister has proved his commitment to the Brexit process,” a Downing Street spokesperson told The Lampoon’s political correspondent. “Following on from this, we are confident that Mr Johnson will follow through on his promise to cultivate a more Sopranos-style milieu within the Cabinet with the same energy and dedication.”

Boris Johnson’s enthusiasm for getting rid of colleagues for perceived disloyalty, extramarital affairs, allowing his lack of leadership qualities to cause a breakdown of the organisation he leads, discrimination towards ethnic minorities, embarrassments involving elderly family members, and the remoulding of his physique into one reminiscent of what doctors have described as a “a guy who eats beef and sausage by the fuckin’ carload” have been noted by members of the public with an interest in both the Conservative Party and The Sopranos. When approached by The Lampoon, the member of the public in question said, “I’m withholding judgement on his performance thus far. In my opinion, he never had the makings of a varsity Prime Minister.”

Upon being questioned by The Lampoon, a Cabinet Minister who wished to remain anonymous stated, “Ooohhh!!” while gesticulating wildly with his arms. After the issue was pursued, the Cabinet Minister added, “All due respect, you got no fuckin’ idea what it’s like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin’ thing. It’s too much to deal with almost. And in the end you’re completely alone with it all.”

Reports from inside Downing Street have described the Prime Minister as muttering, “Woke up this morning, got yourself a gun” moments before announcing the deal between the United Kingdom and the European Union. Following the delivery of this announcement, The Lampoon’s cameras captured Johnson blocking Michael Gove’s mouth and nose until the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster had expired.

As the date of the Prime Minister’s resolution begins, the only question that remains to be answered is

Aspiring author agrees agency arson agenda absurd

After his seventy-third rejection for representation, novelist Tom Barrett admitted that his plan to burn to the ground every literary agency that has declined to take him on as a client has become increasingly impractical.

“There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to re-evaluate their goals and determine whether they’re not they’re realistic,” Barrett told The Lampoon’s literary reviewer, having tackled him to the ground outside The Lampoon’s office.

“Back when there were just ten agencies that had rejected my work, embarking on a series of arson attacks was a relatively straightforward goal,” continued Barrett, sitting astride our literary reviewer’s chest. “Sadly, my work’s lack of mainstream appeal and its inability to fit within current literary markets has required my intended firebombing campaign to become the stuff of dreams.”

Barrett’s works, which include a young adult fantasy novel that serves as an allegory of Benjamin Disraeli’s centrality to the Victorian political landscape; a science-fiction thriller that reflects on the importance of Disraeli’s Jewish identity in terms of his role as British Prime Minister; and a political novel that hypothesises a graphic sexual encounter between Disraeli and his rival, William Gladstone, will currently not be on sale anywhere in the near future.

Conservatives’ approval plummets as Boris Johnson reveals his favourite Star Trek captain

In a revelation that has shaken the foundations of British politics, Boris Johnson recently confirmed that his favourite Starfleet captain is Captain Benjamin Sisko.

“I mean…really?” Andrew Marr asked the Prime Minister, following his admission. “Look…obviously, it’s better than Archer: nobody’s disputing that. But do you honestly believe that this is the kind of talk that will boost the morale of the British people?”

The public’s view became clear days later, as an emergency opinion poll launched by the BBC revealed that the Conservatives’ approval ratings had dropped to under 28%. Comments made to The Toon Lampoon websites have made it clear that the Prime Minister may have made yet another costly mistake.

“I just can’t believe he said it,” writes Dan Maddox, 35. “If you want to get up to that sort of thing in the privacy of your own home, then I’m not trying to police that. But it’s quite another thing to stand up in front of the nation, bold as brass, and say that Sisko is the best captain that Star Trek has to offer.”

Meanwhile, even the Prime Minister’s Conservative colleagues are signalling disapproval over the controversial statement.

“It is, sadly, another sign of the Prime Minister’s occasional lapses of judgement,” said Conservative MP E. Tonian. “I mean…when you think of those in Starfleet possessing the inherent qualities necessary for command, you think of Kirk, Picard, Archer, and maybe Janeaway if your leadership contest collapses into a mess of backstabbing, scandal, and Leadsom. I don’t see how Boris can reconcile his membership of this party and his belief that someone like Benjamin Sisko is a better leader than those four and, frankly, I’d not be surprised to see him forced to resign over it.”

If you have strong feelings about this issue, or you would like to tell us and others about your own favourite Starfleet captain, The Toon Lampoon would like to invite you to read the room and keep your alternate continuity fanfiction to yourself, you goddamn nerd.

Cyberpunk 2077 devs held hostage by angry gamers

It’s now been over a week since the disastrous release of Cyberpunk 2077, a game that promised mature storytelling, unparalleled emergent gameplay in a fully interactive open world, and Keanu Reeves, but delivered an infinite variety of bizarre animation glitches, gratuitous nudity (including yet another graphical glitch where the player characters genitals are permanently visible) and a phoned in performance from Keanu Reeves. In response to the series of disgraceful 8/10 reviews the product they defined themselves by has received, a group of very angry hardcore gamers has abducted the entire development team and is threatening to ‘360 noscope’ them if they don’t improve the game to such a standard that incels can make liking it their entire identity.

The kidnappers’ demands include many features the marketing team promised, including interaction with the world beyond shooting cyborgs in their metal faces, functioning AI, and a story beyond Keanu Reeves popping in to say something arseholish every few minutes. These were followed by a list of additional features that the ransomers had convinced themselves were in the game despite never being mentioned by anyone who worked on the game, like full simulation of every aspect of future life down to needing to clean spilled nutripowder out of the cybermicrowave, interactive sex scenes with real-time jizz physics (jizzics) and a crime system so complicated it even simulates the player’s parole hearing following their arrest for the 157 murders they committed in the first 5 hours. Surprisingly, that every 3rd shop sells dildos and female characters are sexualised more often than not received nothing but praise from the kidnappers, and their stance on the game’s near-unplayability on console was nothing but a stream of homophobic insults directed at ‘console peasants’ and a long rant about how people who can’t afford a £1399 RTX 3090 graphics card probably spend all their money on crystal meth. Complaints over the game’s complete lack of engagement with the anti-capitalist roots of it’s genre in favour of a generic crime story with cyborgs were also conspicuously absent

Police efforts to negotiate the release of the captured developers were initially successful, but soon collapsed when one of the police officers foolishly mentioned that adding additional storylines for every possible job, including sexbot maintenance and bloodstain removal, was not feasible.

Chris(mas) Day’s Christmas Day: the inside scoop

Christmas is a season of joy, exchanging presents, feigning joy over said presents, and stalking.

You read that correctly: stalking. One of the most popular and influential Christmas songs to date does include the lyric “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake,” after all. So when the opportunity came up to sneak into the household of Chris Day for the investigative scoop of the century, our dubious moral code meant we couldn’t say no.

How did this come about? Well, settle down and I shall reveal the full story.

It came to our attention that the Day household was seeking to employ staff to cook and serve the Christmas Dinner on the 25th. After all, COVID-19 was taking the day off, as confirmed by Johnson, so it was okay to not wear a mask. Obviously that did not mean Day was going to interact with or associate with the staff. That simply is not done. We selected our least controversial Toon Lampoon journalist (most of our reporters are instantly recognisable from the warrants out for their arrests), clothed them in one of the many maid costumes from the editor’s office (we don’t want to know what’s going on there after-hours) and sent them on their way. Our reporter gave us the full story as to what happened next.

The staff turned up at the crack of dawn to begin preparations for the Christmas breakfast and lunch (unlike the preparations for semester two from the university, which still seem to be as clear as mud). Our reporter was surprised to see elite foodstuffs like caviar, porridge seasoned with gold dust and avocado toast – but this makes sense, considering how Day earns £373,600 a year. Breakfast was served in the third dining room with solid gold cutlery and portraits of previous Day patriarchs staring down at us from their gilded frames. Our reporter swears one of the portraits blinked so there is the possibility that Chris Day is also a wizard, but we cannot be certain.

Then there would have been the exchanging of the presents, but this occurred via Zoom. Our reporter was able to keenly observe this morning ritual whilst topping up everyone’s drinks of festive mulled blue trebs (the recipe for which was created by a student and left on the university cloud before the data hack, meaning it could have been an inside job – see, we can do proper investigative journalism!). Not only did only half of the family members turn up to this Zoom meeting, entitled “Forced Family Meeting”, but the half that did turn up did not even have their cameras on! The call ended up with the Days opening presents in silence and family members mysteriously losing their WiFi connection so they couldn’t rejoin…

If the breakfast was an elaborate affair, then the lunch was practically a royal banquet! No vouchers for the NUSU Co-op vouchers in sight. Our reporter, who hadn’t been given any solid food for the past three months, was salivating at the sight. Before they could begin eating, a prayer was read out: not a Christian one, but a weird untranslatable language. Definitely a family of wizards.

Whilst the family was outside undertaking a walk of their property (namely Newcastle University) and the rest of the staff started to clean the plates, our fearless reporter took this opportunity to investigate the rest of the house. Notable discoveries include the the star on the Christmas tree in the foyer being a striking resemblance to Chris Day, and some sort of noise from the basement. Before these could be investigated further, the Days returned in time to watch the TV. If you are expecting them to have watched the Queen’s Speech, you would be sorely mistaken as they instead watched his virtual speeches like this one on repeat. No wonder the family soon found themselves in a drunken stupor, ended up in bed by 5pm and left the staff to finish the mulled trebs and 173-year old-whiskey. Coincidentally, that is where our reporter’s account finishes and which cannot account for why the reporter was found half naked at the top of Grey’s Monument this morning by police officers.

What have we learnt from this piece of investigative journalism then (we promise we won’t make a habit of it)? The Days lead an elite lifestyle and are potentially a group of wizards with people trapped in their basement. More importantly, we now cannot use this reporter for future undercover work since they have now got a warrant out for their arrest (for public indecency and other related crimes). You just can’t get the staff these days…

Featured image: Pxhere