Excerpts from The Toon Lampoon letters to Santa

We Toon Lampoon journalists, either due to an inherent childish disposition or due to a need for hope after working here so long, have all been writing letters to Santa. One would expect them to be sent off, but our heartless editors normally burn them on the fire instead. To be fair, we don’t exactly have the budget for fuel.

This year, however, they have not been in the office to burn them, so they have been sent off to the North Pole. Our editors found out about this, and to make up for it, we have to publish excerpts from these letters to publicly humiliate ourselves. So much for it being the season for kindness.

One writer, in a glittery purple pen, wrote asking for world peace and an end to global hunger. Clearly, we have an imposter in our midst. No genuine Lampoon writer would ever be thoughtful enough to ask for that. We pride ourselves on being villainous and corrupt enough to not even deserve coal for Christmas. Time for a purge, pitchforks and all.

Another letter seemed to have been written in a hurry and has tear stains on the side. It is less a letter and more a cry for help. It includes lines such as “please may I have chain cutters to help me escape this place” and “naps for more than 30 minutes every other day”. They make the Lampoon office seem like a hellish place to work, but it definitely is not! I promise!

We must also add that this journalist mentioned something about freeing the Northumbria students from our basement. In response, we direct you to our already-issued public statement absolutely refusing to do so. In true Lampoon style, it consists mostly of typos and swear words.

The last letter is almost normal in its requests, which is certainly bizarre considering how normal people don’t last a day in the office. There’s the usual mentions of money, clothes, games and the like. Also “a new brother”.

Wait. That’s my letter.

If my long-suffering brother is reading this, it should come as no surprise to you since I’ve been trying to wish you away to the Goblin King for years. It just hasn’t worked out. Sorry bro.

We hope you have enjoyed this brief insight into the depraved and twisted minds of The Toon Lampoon journalists, your ever-loyal servants. We can only hope our wishes have been heard. Knowing our luck, it’ll be Krampus, not Santa, paying us a visit.

Student missing Soho during Christmas enjoys mulled blue treb

A Newcastle University student who is suffering withdrawal symptoms from Soho has decided to treat themselves to some homemade mulled blue treb. To get the authentic flavour, the student made the mulled treb with own-brand vodka, fruit juice and a small measure of washing up liquid.

Withdrawal symptoms from Soho can be deadly, and include things like regaining a sense of taste.

Speaking to The Lampoon, the student reported “The mulled treb is hot and sticky, just like the dancefloor at Soho”.

Of course, all Lampoon writers are banned from attending any nightclubs or social activity. Some have criticised this rule as superfluous, seeing as attending nightclubs or social activities generally requires having friends.

Nevertheless, to appropriately appreciate the Newcastle nightclub experience, our reporter put a pan on his head, and had the editors smash it with golf clubs. Once he had incurred the appropriate brain damage, it was decided he was finally ready to enjoy Soho.

Man watching Belle Delphine porn on Christmas Day beginning to question some choices

A man has admitted that he is beginning to feel regret over some of his life decisions after watching Belle Delphine’s sex tape on Christmas. He made the confession opening up to our pornography reporter, a dominatrix who works in the sex shop that doubles up as The Lampoon’s office.

Speaking to our reporter, he asked “aren’t we meant to be having sex now?”

He agreed to keep talking, though, after she assured him that teary confessionals were her kink.

“I only watched the video once, but it’s the kind of thing that sticks with you,” he explained between sobs. “The rest of the day, I’m going to get flashbacks every time one of my family members mention ‘stuffing’.”

“To be fair, I can see it becoming a modern-day Christmas tradition, like watching Die Hard or breaking lockdown.”

The man has been referred for mental health support before someone takes advantage of his vulnerable position, and a Lampoon editor offers him a job.

Britons shocked to discover Christmas lunch isn’t that British after all

We’ve all heard that terrible cracker joke over the past few years: “How will Christmas lunch be different after Brexit? No Brussels!” It usually merits a few groans and speeches from grandparents on how we made a mistake entering the EU back in ’73. They then tend to proclaim how proud they are to be British, and end up passing out half-drunk on the sofa before the Strictly Christmas Special even begins.

It may shock them to learn that Christmas lunches, a staple just like the Queen’s Speech, aren’t that British after all.

Let us begin with the humble potato, which also happens to be the sole source of food here at The Lampoon. Originally domesticated in Peru, they did not arrive in the UK until the Golden Age of Exploration when travellers like Walter Raleigh thought a weird beige object would be the best holiday souvenir to bring home. I’m sure their families were delighted. Whilst they might now be closely linked with British cuisine in the form of fish and chips, they still aren’t British in origin.

At least we still have the star of the show: turkey. Actually, we don’t. December Fools! That’s a thing, right?

Turkey is once again an import from the Americas, arriving in Britain in the 15th century. Even then, it did not become a Christmas lunch must-have until the 17th century amongst the working class, who couldn’t afford geese.

What did we have before turkey? One individual from 1773 recorded having cod and oyster sauce, amongst other things, at New College, Oxford University. We might see the dish return if the fishing quotas all work out.

We can’t even claim ownership over the vegetables or herbs that play a minor role in our lunches. This includes onions, garlic and thyme (thank you Romans), as well as brussels sprouts (despite the name, they likely originate in the Mediterranean).

What can we take credit for? Yorkshire puddings, if you add them to your Christmas lunch, you weirdo. That’s it really.

Whatever will the Brexit-loving Britons do when they discover most of their favourite Christmas foods aren’t British in origin? Will they see their mistake and beg Brussels for forgiveness? Will they beg Santa for a People’s Vote? Or will they follow in the footsteps of everyone’s favourite hypocrite Nigel Farage and ignore any evidence to the contrary of their opinions being wrong? Methinks the latter.

Whether you are a Brexiteer or a Remainer, we hope you have an enjoyable holiday period. Maybe you can spare a thought for us Lampoon journalists, who have been left locked in the office by the editors with only rotten Christingle oranges – which also aren’t British! – to keep us going. Maybe one day, Band Aid will come together to sing a song about us.

Note: the featured image is of The Lampoon editors’ Christmas lunch. The writers were not invited.

Toon Lampoon writers excitedly put out milk and cookies for Rupert Murdoch

Writers for satire outlet and part-time money laundering front The Toon Lampoon have been seen putting out milk and cookies for Rupert Murdoch.

This is in eager anticipation of Murdoch’s overnight visit to every news publication in the world. Our writers can tell he’s been when they wake up the next morning to find their phones have been hacked.

Murdoch makes the trip every year on his yacht. The ship is used for heart-warming schemes all year round, like hosting Prime Ministers behind Parliament’s back.

Lampoon writers hope that they don’t appear on the naughty list, like how Murdoch does on Jeffrey Epstein’s ‘little black book’ under two separate numbers.

Christmas is of course expected to be difficult for The Lampoon writers this year, who are spending it alone. They can at least take solace in the fact that coronavirus means the rest of the country are finally doing the same.  

Hot music picks for staring out the window of the Robinson Library and mourning your failure to pursue a career in advanced mathematics

Most student papers’ arts and music sections are constantly running the most dull articles–this year’s top dance club hits! Best Christmas songs! What we listen to when we study! This needs to end, especially as everyone knows the answer to the last question is either “I don’t study” or “lofi hip-hop beats, which I listen to with my quirky pet hermit crab Fitzgerald while simultaneously pretending to be the lofi girl and some boring side character in Harry Potter even though I’m twenty-two.” Here, we understand student life: we relate to the experience of staring out the window of the Robinson Library while mourning your failure to pursue a career in advanced mathematics, even though you’ve never touched a math book for more than five seconds, and definitely not when anyone could see you reading such a thing.

Disclaimer: We are not being sponsored by any of these artists to share their music in this article, especially as most of them, if they knew, would want to sue us and burn every copy of this article so that their music would not be associated with the field of mathematics.

Nothing embodies your existential angst about the world failing to recognize your yet-undemonstrated potential for being the next great mathematician like “The Winter” by Balmorhea. Something about the violin in the background just completely complements the feeling of staring out the window at the fading light above the Law School and the piano bit that comes next hints at picturing a bunch of equations you don’t understand spiralling out from the air above your head like you are in a movie…

For when the rain is pounding down on the window and you think that if you’d just tried harder at the necessary calculus to get into university, you could have solved one of the Millennium Prize Problems while also making irreverent films about your daily life on campus involving heavily-involved Rube Goldberg-esque devices and stick people made of spaghetti.

For when you are gazing at the ground at the complex pseudo-Mandelbrotian spirals of ice on the concrete while you’re walking through Leazes Park on the way to the Robinson Library, wishing you understood the complex equations behind fractals so you could look upon the world around you in an all-understanding way that would lead you to great conclusions about the life we are living. While also realizing that if you took up math now it would be too late because it would just be a skill, and not an ingrained part of your quirky-but-profound personality and outlook that is simultaneously overly naive and childlike and similar to that of a 46-year-old college professor who treats everyone around him like a 5-year-old.

For realizing you will never be that cute girl in the goldenrod-yellow ribbed sweater and high-waisted jeans who casually does linear algebra with her set of Muji 0.38mm fineliners in a pastel pink Moleskine, who is also probably teaching herself three languages and has a vlog channel about Greek mythology. You know her, the one who says that math is “easy” because it’s “logical” and “makes sense” and only passed up the opportunity to singlehandedly run a university math department at the age of sixteen because she was more interested in “living authentically”, which led to her backpacking Germany for a year. You know, the person you thought you’d be by the time you were nineteen, but now you’re twenty and you still can’t organize your own space, much less take care of a succulent and run a tumblr about speaking Swedish in the cosy hideaway of blankets and fairy lights in a Twin Peaks-looking cabin evoked by this song.

Revealed: Boris and Cicero’s secret meeting

Cicero, whose name roughly translates to ‘chickpea’ in the English language, can now be revealed as the world’s most ardent Brexiteer. Boris Johnson is said to have contacted Cicero from Hades using a Ouija board handed down through generations of Etonians.

BoJo sought Cicero’s advice on giving a speech to the Commons on the impending trade doom/deal. Cicero, it is believed, proffered no advice to the blond-haired piece of human spam. Instead, he reminded Boris that he has the entirety of the Sun-reading public behind him.

According to our sources, Cicero also informed Boris that it is “important Brexit get done”, as it’s “dragging on longer than one of my own verb-less senate speeches”.

We have also received reports that Margaret Thatcher is being forced to drink the milk of every single school child from which she snatched it. This was owing to her own sins against the people.

Thatcher-Thatcher-milk-snatcher is in the Underworld with Cicero, and is in the process of becoming either a piece of brie or edam. The result is to be decided upon the completion of the curdling stage.

Stephen Colbert made special envoy to Middle East since he knows so fucking much

Talk show host and alleged comedian Stephen Colbert has been appointed a special envoy to the Middle East. The decision was made by American officials who were blown away by his witty and irreverent monologues.

“When we saw this guy, we knew he meant business,” an American diplomat told The Lampoon. “He spends all day talking about the symptoms of a problem he doesn’t have the balls to identify, just like our officials!”

“We’ve tried everything else, so why not talk show liberalism? We need someone who could march up to the Middle East and not even think that imperialism played a role there.”

A British diplomat to the Middle East who is close to The Lampoon welcomed the move. She told our reporter “I was sceptical at first, but after a few wry observations about Trump being orange, he won me over.”

“I’m sure his time in an improv troupe far outweighs my doctorate in international relations. Besides, what do I know? I was only shortlisted for the Nobel Peace Prize.”

Colbert is expected to stay in his new role until he fleshes out a two state solution between Israel and Palestine. Either that, or he comes up with a decent joke, which is expected to take longer.

Pre-made category for “food, rents, monthly bills” on fundraising websites simply the best system we have

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give” – Winston Churchill.

I think the quote above speaks volumes. This is the greatest man this world has ever seen, articulating so precisely the beauty of charity. In an act of giving, we receive so much. This is why I was filled with such joy upon seeing that popular fundraising site GoFundMe has added a premade category for campaigns related to “food, rent, and monthly bills”.

Clearly welfare systems are not working – who would’ve guessed that socialist or Maoist-communist measures such as Universal Credit aren’t viable? So, those struggling must turn to other avenues. Historically – and, it appears, presently too – this has meant relying on the generosity of well-meaning members of our society who have the wherewithal to pass on a little of the wealth they’ve worked diligently to earn.

Charity is great! Charity online is greater!

Society’s Have-Nots now don’t have to submit themselves to the embarrassment of grovelling for cash. Sites like GoFundMe make it simpler than ever to ask others for the money required to pay for your survival. The campaigns take minutes to set up, and put a friendly computer screen between you and any unpleasant face-to-face interaction. GoFundMe has also made charity intersectional! Where once the act of giving was confined to the old white men who have the cultural clout to earn enough to spare a little, fundraising sites often provide an easy shareable link. Now fundraisers can access anybody on social media, and the beautiful act of giving has been opened up to anyone with a Facebook account, not just privileged millionaires and billionaires. It’s a win for everyone.

Socialists who wish to turn capitalism into the Mongolian-style Marxist communism of Khorloogiin Choibalsan have no feet to stand on. Their tired argument of “capitalism doesn’t provide for everyone in society” is completely negated by the ever-increasing prevalence of fundraisers to cover people’s basic needs. Why would we ever need welfare systems when there are tens of millionaires ready to funnel their cash into charitable causes? Welfare systems and socialist communism in the style of Kiro Gligorov take away a citizen’s right to giving. How could we do charity if the state is already giving people what they require to live healthily and happily?

As the great Winston Churchill said at the beginning of the article, “we make a life by what we give”. The Marxist social “democracy” of figures like Tachat Sargsyan fundamentally makes it impossible for humans to make a life. Charity under capitalism is simply the only system available.

Jed Mercurio refuses to reveal “incredible twist” in police procedural spin-off, “Lion of Duty”

Despite rabid speculation from fans of a fictional world where every member of the police is a murderer or a sex criminal, Line of Duty creator Jed Mercurio has offered no details on what he calls “the greatest twist” yet in the show’s upcoming spin-off series, Lion of Duty.

“Trust me, I’m very familiar with the show’s following by now,” he told The Lampoon’s Grim Police Procedural Correspondent. “They’ll beg you to reveal the details early on, but they really want to be shocked when they finally see it onscreen, and that’s how we’re going to play this one.”

Mercurio has refused to divulge any specifics regarding the new show’s elements, though he has promised “some courageous risks when it comes to casting, with some inspiration taken from some of the foremost examples of crime fiction: Turner and Hooch, K-9, Lion.”

“All I can and will say is that this is going to be television that is going to keep its audience, and every single member of its cast, on the edge of its seats,” Mercurio concluded. “In terms of the criminal experience of being hunted by police, I guarantee that we’ll see the most authentic performances yet.”