Toon Lampoon sued for psychological distress after nude calendar shoot

A civil suit has been leveraged against The Toon Lampoon, following charges of gross distress and psychological trauma in the aftermath of a nude calendar shoot.

The family of Phil Tompkins, a local photographer, announced the lawsuit after Tompkins’s loss of sanity following the studio session.

Speaking to a gathering of reporters and a representative from The Lampoon, the Tompkins family’s legal counsel claimed that the damage visited upon the plaintiff “goes beyond what mere nudity should be able to accomplish”.

“Of course, the idea of a nude photo shoot of The Toon Lampoon – satire at its most grotesque, one could say – already conjures a host of nightmarish images that would cause any sane mind to warp itself out of sheer self-preservation,” the Tompkins’ lawyer told our reporter (‘Mr February’).

“But nudity of such a form that it turned our photographer’s eyes to bleed black as his psyche fled to another realm: the stripping bare of bodies that defy both Euclidean geometry and the basis of morality and spiritual wellbeing as we know it… well, we’re looking for compensation.”

Phil Tompkins’s physical form spread in a millimetre-thick paste over the walls, floor, and ceiling of The Lampoon offices in the aftermath of the session. He has yet to make a statement, other than to whisper in harsh, metallic tones words that correspond neither to known linguistic theory nor our current understanding of vocal cords.

The Lampoon has announced its intention in this very paragraph to fight most strenuously against these allegations once they’ve talked their lawyer down off the edge of the roof. Once their innocence is proven, they intend to counter-sue Paul Tompkins for what they have described as “a deplorable act of body shaming”.

The Toon Lampoon Naked Calendar will go on sale later this year, with all profits going towards future lawsuits.

Featured image: Pixabay

Masochist settles down to watch Doctor Who special

A local masochist is reportedly getting all comfy to watch the New Year’s Day special of Doctor Who. This follows a long day of bondage, extreme pain endurance and reading The Toon Lampoon.

The masochist told our reporter “Honestly, I’ve made my way this far through the Whittaker era, I may as well keep going.”

“If I’m feeling particularly masochistic, I might even read the fans’ Reddit posts about casting a woman as the Doctor.”

The main issue with becoming a Doctor Who fan is, of course, the increase in sex appeal. This is balanced out, though, by the fact that one’s social life becomes far easier to manage after losing most of one’s friends.

Our reporter was well-qualified to cover this story, in a first for The Lampoon. In our office – which is located in a sex shop – all our staff hotdesk with dominatrices.

It should be known, though, that our reporter only did the polite amount of BDSM sex with the masochist. This was followed almost immediately by the impolite amount.

Aspiring author agrees agency arson agenda absurd

After his seventy-third rejection for representation, novelist Tom Barrett admitted that his plan to burn to the ground every literary agency that has declined to take him on as a client has become increasingly impractical.

“There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to re-evaluate their goals and determine whether they’re not they’re realistic,” Barrett told The Lampoon’s literary reviewer, having tackled him to the ground outside The Lampoon’s office.

“Back when there were just ten agencies that had rejected my work, embarking on a series of arson attacks was a relatively straightforward goal,” continued Barrett, sitting astride our literary reviewer’s chest. “Sadly, my work’s lack of mainstream appeal and its inability to fit within current literary markets has required my intended firebombing campaign to become the stuff of dreams.”

Barrett’s works, which include a young adult fantasy novel that serves as an allegory of Benjamin Disraeli’s centrality to the Victorian political landscape; a science-fiction thriller that reflects on the importance of Disraeli’s Jewish identity in terms of his role as British Prime Minister; and a political novel that hypothesises a graphic sexual encounter between Disraeli and his rival, William Gladstone, will currently not be on sale anywhere in the near future.

Cyberpunk 2077 devs held hostage by angry gamers

It’s now been over a week since the disastrous release of Cyberpunk 2077, a game that promised mature storytelling, unparalleled emergent gameplay in a fully interactive open world, and Keanu Reeves, but delivered an infinite variety of bizarre animation glitches, gratuitous nudity (including yet another graphical glitch where the player characters genitals are permanently visible) and a phoned in performance from Keanu Reeves. In response to the series of disgraceful 8/10 reviews the product they defined themselves by has received, a group of very angry hardcore gamers has abducted the entire development team and is threatening to ‘360 noscope’ them if they don’t improve the game to such a standard that incels can make liking it their entire identity.

The kidnappers’ demands include many features the marketing team promised, including interaction with the world beyond shooting cyborgs in their metal faces, functioning AI, and a story beyond Keanu Reeves popping in to say something arseholish every few minutes. These were followed by a list of additional features that the ransomers had convinced themselves were in the game despite never being mentioned by anyone who worked on the game, like full simulation of every aspect of future life down to needing to clean spilled nutripowder out of the cybermicrowave, interactive sex scenes with real-time jizz physics (jizzics) and a crime system so complicated it even simulates the player’s parole hearing following their arrest for the 157 murders they committed in the first 5 hours. Surprisingly, that every 3rd shop sells dildos and female characters are sexualised more often than not received nothing but praise from the kidnappers, and their stance on the game’s near-unplayability on console was nothing but a stream of homophobic insults directed at ‘console peasants’ and a long rant about how people who can’t afford a £1399 RTX 3090 graphics card probably spend all their money on crystal meth. Complaints over the game’s complete lack of engagement with the anti-capitalist roots of it’s genre in favour of a generic crime story with cyborgs were also conspicuously absent

Police efforts to negotiate the release of the captured developers were initially successful, but soon collapsed when one of the police officers foolishly mentioned that adding additional storylines for every possible job, including sexbot maintenance and bloodstain removal, was not feasible.

Man watching Belle Delphine porn on Christmas Day beginning to question some choices

A man has admitted that he is beginning to feel regret over some of his life decisions after watching Belle Delphine’s sex tape on Christmas. He made the confession opening up to our pornography reporter, a dominatrix who works in the sex shop that doubles up as The Lampoon’s office.

Speaking to our reporter, he asked “aren’t we meant to be having sex now?”

He agreed to keep talking, though, after she assured him that teary confessionals were her kink.

“I only watched the video once, but it’s the kind of thing that sticks with you,” he explained between sobs. “The rest of the day, I’m going to get flashbacks every time one of my family members mention ‘stuffing’.”

“To be fair, I can see it becoming a modern-day Christmas tradition, like watching Die Hard or breaking lockdown.”

The man has been referred for mental health support before someone takes advantage of his vulnerable position, and a Lampoon editor offers him a job.

Cyber attack uncovers Wattpad fan fiction “My mum sells me to Chris Day”

The devastating cyber attack conducted on Newcastle University has uncovered Wattpad-style fan fiction on university servers, entitled “My mum sells me to Chris Day – Newcastle University AU Fanfic”. The news came as a shock to university higher-ups, who were surprised the Vice Chancellor had fans.

Over a month after the cyber attack, Newcastle students are still unable to access S3P, and their timetables have been thrown into chaos. Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Chris Day can no longer play solitaire on his computer.

It would of course be highly inappropriate to run excerpts from this work of fiction, but it might be funny, and in the interests of free press we feel we have to.

I sat up in bed and threw my hair into a messy bun. The morning sun was just rising, sending light up my wall and over the extra-large poster of Chris Day’s face.

I stood up and stretched. As I studied the prospectus for Warwick University that was lying by my feet, I could hear my mum barrelling up the stairs. She opened the door and leant on the doorknob, her shock of frazzled auburn hair betraying how stressed she was. She looked me up and down with disgust.

“That won’t do at all. Put something nice on: we have a visitor. And put some make-up on.”

“But I don’t wear make-up.”

“I don’t care David!”

The door slammed behind her, and I could hear her rumble down the stairs again. I let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding, and started putting on something more figure-hugging.

Eventually, I made it down the stairs, and walked into the kitchen. My heart sank faster than Newcastle University in The Guardian rankings.

“Are you here to tell me off again?” I asked Chris Day, who was leaning on the counter sensually.

“No,” came that ambiguous accent, part Geordie, all sex appeal.

“Then…” I looked at my mum, whose face was still stern. “Why are you here?”

“Well,” the silver fox replied, “your mum has sold you to me.”

I stared into Chris Day’s quizzical blue orbs.

“Sold me?”

“That’s right,” he said.

“I had to come up with the nine grand for your year of Zoom lectures somehow!” my mum cried.

Chris Day walked over in a confident stride.

“You’re mine now.”

I realised he was holding pink fluffy handcuffs, and a whip. For now, the whip was as lax as Newcastle University’s policy on sexual harassment, but I know that would change.

He took me in his confident arms and [REDACTED] me on the mouth. Then he turned me over and ripped off my clothes, before hungrily [REDACTED] me all over. He found my [REDACTED] and put it in his [REDACTED] while I shoved his throbbing [REDACTED] in my [REDACTED]. He [REDACTED] me all day with just [REDACTED] and a lemon.

“Oh, [REDACTED]!” I cried, while he [REDACTED], [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] me.

Two of our literary editors – a dominatrix with whom we hotdesk, who has a PhD in renaissance literature, and a Lampoon writer who’s read most of Moby Dick – have decided the other three hundred pages are not suitable for publication.

The Lampoon have attempted to track down the author of the fanfiction, but nothing has been found apart from the username ‘Belieber04’. A spokesperson for Newcastle University has denied that this is a pseudonym for Chris Day, even though we never actually asked them.

Political journalists struggling to discuss current affairs without Harry Potter metaphors

Political correspondents admitted today that they were still “lost and discouraged” at the prospect of framing national and international events on Twitter without referencing Harry Potter.

Laura Shilling, a news professional who is allegedly an adult, told The Lampoon, “It used to be so easy. You’d just call Trump or Putin or whomever Voldemort, accuse Betsy DeVos of being Professor Umbridge and, if you had the characters left, compare the supporters to Death Eaters. In terms of helping people comprehend the nuanced and multifaceted nature of rapidly developing events, it was unparalleled.”

Respected journalists began to distance themselves from JK Rowling, author of a children’s book series about wizards, after the author made several controversial comments, as well as a full essay, lambasting the trans community.

“Well, it’s just not a good look anymore,” said Tom Owens (supposedly 29). “The frantic leaps for ham-fisted representation and the whole thing with the goblins was fine, but after a certain point, it’s not appropriate to use a children’s book series about wizards to frame political discourse.”

When asked what the next step was, Owens admitted that he wasn’t certain. “There’s not a lot of young adult fiction to lean on, honestly. A Series of Unfortunate Events is a bit niche; Redwall doesn’t quite have the post-publication diversity that we look for, and Eragon…well, not Eragon.”

“Honestly, if someone doesn’t come out with some decent children’s novels soon, we’re just going to have to use words like ‘family separation, ‘autocracy’, and ‘undermining the integrity of elections by attacking public resources’. And who the hell is going to understand that?”

Reddit user closes multiple tabs of porn to tweet that WAP is “too sexual”

A local man made a scathing attack on Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s single ‘WAP’, in a post on Reddit this evening. He wrote the diatribe as soon as he’d removed the literal terabytes of online niche pornography that had been playing on his computer a moment ago.

The Reddit user – BasedAtheist – claimed that the song was profane, while hitting close on a bukkake scene. “How are these women gonna be respected?” he asked, before shutting down a video depicting something called a ‘tera-orgy’.  

The Reddit user claimed in his post he “hates even thinking about that song”, whose lyrics he clearly spent an hour googling. He opined online that “it’s inappropriate for this song to be everywhere”, and apparently thought the best way for it to die down would be to keep talking about it.

Discussion of the song continued for several hours on the subreddit r/It’sTheLeftWhoAreTheSnowflakes, to which BasedAtheist contributed lengthy paragraph after lengthy paragraph. Incensed by the song, he was apparently unaware that he didn’t have to listen to it.

He was quick to tell our reporter that his initial post received a whole eighty upvotes, which The Lampoon understands is an impressive feat. For comparison, WAP only has seventy million views on YouTube.

We talked to the grass sample garden guy because we’ll do anything for clicks

You may have recently seen the listing on CLTE advertising a “beautiful lawn” composed of a mosaic of fake grass samples, having to be passed on to someone who would continue the project after the proprietors left Newcastle. The post got over 1.5 thousand reacts, and upon seeing this our eyes went all big and dollar signs appeared on them, like something out of a cartoon. We at The Lampoon immediately tracked down the poster with the intent on capitalizing on their ingenuity by doing an interview with them, for the sole purpose of driving more traffic to our site; here is the result.

The Lampoon (TL): Tell us a little bit about yourself and your house, who are you guys?

Toby Curless
: We’re a house of five, all just graduated. Three of us have lived together since first year and the other two went to college with one of the boys.

TL: Where’d you guys get the idea? Who came up with it and how intoxicated were they when they got the idea?

Toby: I honestly have no clue how the idea came about. I just came into the kitchen one day and there was a small mound of AstroTurf in the corner. I think one of my housemates initially just started getting free samples of anything she could find delivered to our other housemate so that she’d have to go to reception to collect them. Eventually she decided that the turf was the most embarrassing thing to collect so she stuck with that. I think it was boredom not alcohol that started everything off to be honest.

TL: What was the goal when it initially started? Did you think it would get this big? Have you had to move it house to house over the years?

Toby: I’m pretty sure the goal was just to piss off my other housemate. It just naturally carried on. Every now and then a new chunk of lawn would arrive in our kitchen and it just became normal. We had to move it twice, last year wasn’t ideal, we didn’t really have a garden so I had 3 bags of AstroTurf in my wardrobe for a year. This year it escalated during first term and other people had samples delivered to their houses so that we could cheat the system. We did all say at the start of the year that it’d be nice when we had all finished exams to have barbecues in the yard and sit on the turf but COVID has put a stop to that.

TL: Where did you find the companies that sent you samples? Did they ever get suspicious/mad?

Toby: It just involved googling AstroTurf companies and signing up for free samples with every one we could find. [None of the companies] ever got mad but I was sitting on a bench outside Liberty Plaza in first year when a bright green car with AstroTurf on the roof pulled up next to me. The driver looked pretty confused when he realized that he was potentially going to give people in student accommodation a quote for a garden.

TL: Did your landlord ever have any problems with it? What do people say about it when they see it first?

Toby: The landlord this year has been alright with the grass, I think like most other people they just think it’s a bit weird. My mum told me I was a “fucking idiot” for keeping it in my room for a year, but I think she sees the funny side of it now.

TL: What’s the plan with it now? Have you found someone to pass the torch to?

Toby: The new tenants for our house recognised the turf from a viewing and got in touch asking if they could keep it going. We spoke about it and agreed that it would be easiest for us. Someone who works for our letting agency saw the post as well and got in touch with us and the new tenants and agreed that we could leave it in place for them. Hopefully the whole yard will be covered by the end of next year!

TL: Fake grass: shoes on or shoes off? Who makes the best and the worst fake grass? Do you get bugs on them?

Toby: Tricky one. The grass holds a fair amount of water so shoes on usually. Recently purchased a picnic blanket and put that over the grass which was a great shout, felt pretty real. I can’t remember which company gave which grass but there are some absolutely vile ones. You don’t really get bugs on top but because the turf is all loose, the bottoms can get pretty well inhabited.

And there you have it; as promised, an interview with someone who made a funny post. What more do you want from us? We’ve given you what you came for, leave now.

If you’re in the market for handmade earrings, check out Toby’s girlfriend’s earring business on Instagram at @hulahoopsbyal . We’re not getting paid for this promotion but we really wish we were.

Newcastle Students’ Union loco about logos

The Students’ Union is considering redesigning its logo after a number of students complained the current one “looks like something you would make at the back of a GCSE Graphics lesson.” The bunch of little snobs, who claim “graphic design is not just our passion, it’s our lifeblood” have created a controversial petition calling for its removal, which has gained over five signatures. The leader of the group, who we will not name as we just don’t like the look of ’em, has shown The Lampoon a number of their own alternative designs, which we think are ‘going right up on the fridge’. Do you think their current logo looks outdated? Maybe your mind will be changed after you see the competition…

Design 1: “Internet Super-High-Whey-Aye”

The designer known as ‘$k8r Dud3zz’ originally created this template for her MySpace page, but says she dropped everything and wanted to help, when she set eyes on the logo currently used by NUSU. Ms ‘Dud3zz’ describes her ideas as a “techno sparkle from the space-year y2k20, which is still saying respek [sic] to the old-timey university vintage.” However, we at The Toon Lampoon do apologise if you have had to wait over 10 minutes for your modem to just load this.

Design 2: “The Art of Craft”

Al Coholic, who designed the branding, said “When I first heard about the need for a new label, I walked across high mountains, down rich valleys and through succulent fields, just to lick the luscious dew off our rich and hearty hops”. We at The Toon Lampoon are not really sure how this relates to the SU, but apparently, Mr Coholic says a pint of it costs £7.99, so we should probably give this one a miss.

Design 3: “Union.”

This minimalist design, comprised of just the letter “N” written in Helvetica typeface, was submitted by a well-known Swiss graphic design bureau, who were allegedly paid around £200,000 for their work. It is a bold statement said to “recognise the union bridges all students like the stroke between the two parallel signs of the letter, all while it still maintains good grammar by ending all sentences with a full stop.” For those of you who can’t speak Pretentious, we at The Toon Lampoon fully empathise with those who have run out of any good ideas.

Design 4: “NUSU 2012”

This bunch garish shapes and colours was submitted by designer Waldo Collins, who told a reporter from The Lampoon “I will never rest until everything looks like humanity’s greatest achievement, London 2012” he is then reported to have pulled down his trousers and given a sweet embrace a life-sized statuette of the London ‘Wenlock’ Mascot while shouting “Hear me, I am the Olympic man!!!”

Unsurprisingly, not everybody is pleased with the proposed change and a counter-petition has been set up in response to the calls for a new logo. The petition states that it would be “removing history” to change something which has been in use since 2011, and that “most those kids complaining probably weren’t even born then.” 

To have your say on the change of logo the SU is going to hold a referendum campus-wide poll on whether their logo should be replaced with one of these designs or be amended with a plaque explaining its lack of artistic merit.