Boris Johnson’s appearance on Would I Lie To You branded a catastrophe

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s recent attempt to boost his flagging approval ratings by appearing on popular panel show Would I Lie To You? has been lambasted as “a catastrophe” by his own MPs. The issue lay in the fact that the Prime Minister seemed to fail to grasp the concept of the game.

The broadcast started well enough, with Johnson engaged in light banter with his teammates, comedian Lee Mack and celebrity chef Delia Smith. However, things went downhill for the embattled PM after being given the statement “I never hosted a Christmas party whilst the rest of London was in lockdown”.

Seemingly unable to grasp the premise of the game, the PM initially claimed that he had never even read the card, before accusing the other team of “playing politics“ when they attempted to question Johnson about the statement. In a startling turn of events, the Prime Minister then apologised unreservedly about jokes made by his teammate Lee Mack earlier in the program, despite remaining adamant that no jokes ever took place. Lee Mack was later seen in tears resigning from the show.

“Frankly I think it was a preposterous idea to even begin with,” opposition team captain David Mitchell told The Lampoon. “He’s the prime minister during a global pandemic, why is he appearing on a panel shows? This seems like the sort of ludicrous thing only invented in the minds of bored satirists, not real life.”

Featured Image: Ali Plumb on Twitter and Number 10 on Flickr, edited by Joe Molander (in a drug-induced haze)

Tory aides caught having first ever party

A leaked photograph shows a cabal of Conservative aides and bigwigs having their first ever party.

In attendance was Shaun Bailey – beloved by uncles everywhere trying to show their nieces that they’re not racist –  and party donor Nick Candy (grey blazer, above). Aside from his deep pockets, Candy is best known for having the name of a male porn star and dressing like a forex trader.

One of the Tory aides present at the party agreed to speak to The Lampoon, through the mist of his cologne.

“We’re gutted that we got caught on our first ever party. We didn’t even get to play spin the bottle, of cognac, or seven minutes in heaven, where you get a in a cupboard with a Tory donor and have seven minutes to award them as many public sector contracts as you can.”

The Lampoon is proud to report that none of its staffers ever attended a party after COVID-19 rules forbade it, or before.

Featured Image: Armando Iannucci on Twitter

Years of never being invited to parties finally pays off for Dominic Cummings

Former SPAD, moderate eugenicist, and hideous gremlin Dominic Cummings today told The Lampoon that he’s grateful to have never been invited to parties by Johnson’s government.

“It’s a real relief now, let tell you,” the gargoyle-visaged campaigner stated, in an interview with The Lampoon’s society and plague pits reporter. “I mean, now that all of these pictures are getting leaked by some unknown figure with a grudge against the Government and, probably, a very large penis.”

“Of course, it was originally very distressing: I wept so much that my eyes actually became affected; I was actually forced to test that they were still able to work correctly by… well, never mind that now.”

Significant anger has been levelled at the Conservative Party, which, it has been alleged, held as many as seven Christmas functions in 2020, while the people of Great Britain were forced to remain in lockdown. Though, as a spokesman for the Conservatives has pointed out, these measures protected the people of Great Britain from having to pair up with Priti Patel for Seven Minutes in Heaven.

The defending victor of the annual John Christie Lookalike Contest assured The Lampoon that clear evidence of these parties exist, “including photographs of Michael Gove making a cocaine angel, and Jacob Rees-Mogg being shown the error of his ways by the Ghost of Christmas Present.”

The Government has issued a statement regarding members of the public who were unable to be with their loved ones during their final moments, with a spokesperson assuring The Lampoon that Conservative MPs would have loved nothing more than to be there to watch their family members die.

Featured image: Flickr

2021 Conservative Christmas party to be held at your mum’s house, you whiny fuck

Following the widespread public outrage over the developing story of the Government’s string of Christmas parties, the Johnson administration has announced that they intend to hold their 2021 Christmas events at your mum’s house, if you’re so keen to have a fucking party.

Earlier today, Boris Johnson revealed that the Cabinet, a number of Conservative MPs, and any aides that look like they won’t go running to the press will arrive at your mum’s house during the run-up to Christmas and make merry.

“We have heard the outrage and hullabaloo regarding both last year’s lockdown and the number of events that may or may not have taken place,” the Prime Minister stated. “In order to address both of these issues, we have determined that the best course of action is to rock up at your mum’s place and slam our faces into cocaine until Liz Truss starts to look worth the effort.”

While the Government has claimed not to have a schedule of events in mind for this function, Downing Street insiders have stated off the record that plans exist for traditional Tory Party games of Burning Money in Front of a Homeless Person, Covid Contract Bingo, and Stick the Knife in the Prime Minister.

Plans for a professional photographer to be in attendance remain unconfirmed.

Featured image: Flickr

“Boris Johnson is a hypocrite?” nation asks, incredibly sarcastically

Britain – the world’s largest exporter of TERFs and red-faced men – has today pretended to be shocked that Number 10 broke its own lockdown rules.

This follows the revelation that Downing Street staffers were recorded joking about the gathering that occurred last Christmas. The leaked footage of the incident captures the first time a government official has smiled since Priti Patel was informed about Universal Credit cuts.

“Johnson and his people are hypocrites? Oh no, wow, really?” one member of the public told The Lampoon, completely monotonously. “I am astounded.”

The press, on the other hand, are understood to be taking the matter very seriously. It is, after all, the responsibility of huge swatches of the media to scrutinise the Prime Minister with due diligence and appropriate care. Not us, though: we can say that when he cums, he cries out the name of his nanny.

One journalist agreed to talk to The Lampoon, mostly because she’s suing us for libel.

“The press pack are adapting to this new development,” she explained. “Going forward, when newscasters say it is shocking to learn that the Prime Minister is a hypocrite and a liar, they will only be allowed to snigger one, maybe two times.”

Featured image: ITV News on YouTube

Tory voters embarrassed at how much worse CBI speech would have been under Corbyn

Supporters of corporate meat puppet factory the Conservative Party have expressed embarrassment at the Prime Minister’s speech at the Confederation of British Industry. Specifically, the right-leaning portion of the electorate have admitted dismay at just how much worse it would have gone under Corbyn.

“It is a source of humiliation that Boris Johnson paused for twenty seconds, but we all know Corbyn would have done it for thirty,” one Tory voter told The Lampoon.

Another Conservative supporter agreed to speak to our reporter over WhatsApp.

“At least Boris made a reference to the Peppa Pig theme park. Corbyn would have had to talk about a vegan alternative,” he said, before adding no less than six cry-laughing emojis.

“That’s Corbyn’s issue: no self-awareness.”

The speechwriter who came up with the idea of Boris Johnson praising the Peppa Pig theme park has been offered a job writing for hack open mic comedians everywhere.

Featured image: Evening Standard on YouTube

“No herding instincts, just herding owners,” claims Border Collie advocacy group

An organisation advocating for the improved perception of Border Collies has claimed that herding is a learned behaviour rather than the product of breeding.

Tom Crisp, speaking on behalf of the Border Collie Appreciation Society, told The Lampoon “Border Collies have always had a bad press, partly due to their portrayal in pop culture, and partly due to people never wanting to give them a chance.”

“What people need to understand is that the herding incidents that are reported are due to the owners who encourage herding behaviour in their dogs, not because specific breeds of dogs are necessarily predisposed to herd.”

“These figures are completely bogus,” Crisp assured The Lampoon. “All too often, these so-called ‘statistics’ are collected by non-expert interest groups with a vested interest in demonising Border Collies as an entire breed. We see this all the time, particularly in the aftermath of another dog, or a kitten, or a small child being viciously herded.“

“The fact is, there are many Border Collies who go their entire lives without suddenly snapping and committing an act of savage herding, for all the horror stories we are inundated with of these dogs, completely unprovoked, herding an innocent bystander without mercy.”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Confused Johnson announces all poppies after Brexit will be blue

Boris Johnson has today told the House of Commons, the world’s highest maintenance nursing home, that all poppies will be blue after Brexit.

The announcement inspired the ire of Labour leader and your mum’s boring older boyfriend, Keir Starmer.

“I’m incredibly saddened by this policy. I’m told by my spin doctor that ‘sad’ is an emotion, sort of like stubbing your toe but stubbing your brain,” Starmer told reporters.

“Rest assured, your Leader of the Opposition won’t stand idly by. He will stand competently by, and say a lot of cross soundbites.”

“We are the party for peace,” Johnson insisted, “except in regions where it is profitable to be for war.”

“Labour went gallivanting into the Middle East based on half-truths, but not us. We do our lying at home, like patriots.”

“This is the perfect way to pay our respects to British veterans of wars that Britain started.”

Featured image: Financial Times

Kyrsten Sinema announces that she’s not like those other Democrat Senators

Speaking on the steps of Capitol Hill, Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema told the press that she wasn’t like those other Democrat Senators, “who are, like, so obsessed with passing legislation that helps lift and keep people out of poverty.”

The Senator went on to claim that she was the kind of Democrat Senator who would carry a Lululemon bag, bring cake for senate staffers, vote against a minimum wage increase to $15 per hour, and be bisexual.

“I mean,” she told The Lampoon’s reporter, “how random am I? I’m so much more chill than all the other Dems: they’re always going on about abortion, combating domestic terrorism, and making sure that lower-income families don’t starve. Total snoozeville, right?”

“Meanwhile, I’m just here, taking corporate money to obstruct my colleagues’ progressive agenda. I mean, I’m just so fucking random!”

Sinema has faced criticism from both sides of the aisle, with Democrats lambasting her apparent abandonment of the very values that saw her elected, and Republicans professing a general disgust for her not being heterosexual.

“They just hate me because they wish they could be like me,” Sinema assured our correspondent. “Like, AOC wishes she could take corporate money and screw over the working classes, and Lindsey Graham wishes he could score some pole whenever he wanted. They’re just jealous.”

Democrats on Capitol Hill have suggested that, if the Arizona Senator does not begin cooperating with them to pass progressive legislation, then they shall have no alternative but to simply stop trying and hope that shit works out somewhere down the road.

Featured image: Flickr

Johnson proves commitment to healthy living, announces fizzy drinks shortage

Prime Minister and wet dog impersonator Boris Johnson has today proven his dedication to healthy living by announcing huge shortages of fizzy drinks. He also boasted about one-upping Labour’s 2019 proposals for a four-day week by only having enough power for three.

The Prime Minister agreed to talk about the drinks shortage to our health correspondent, who regularly runs, mostly away from loan sharks.

“This is a win for Britain,” the collection of carpet fibres insisted. “The shortage is due to a lack of CO2, so we’re also showing the world how green a post-Brexit GB can be!”

“Of course, I won’t be having fizzy drinks either, except for maybe a splash of Dom Pérignon. Even then, I’m saving that for when I find the nerve to sack Priti Patel.”

“After all, I believe in leading by example. I have long-since championed the nuclear family, which is why I’ve started at least two.”

Featured image: Number Ten on Flickr