Tory voters embarrassed at how much worse CBI speech would have been under Corbyn

Supporters of corporate meat puppet factory the Conservative Party have expressed embarrassment at the Prime Minister’s speech at the Confederation of British Industry. Specifically, the right-leaning portion of the electorate have admitted dismay at just how much worse it would have gone under Corbyn.

“It is a source of humiliation that Boris Johnson paused for twenty seconds, but we all know Corbyn would have done it for thirty,” one Tory voter told The Lampoon.

Another Conservative supporter agreed to speak to our reporter over WhatsApp.

“At least Boris made a reference to the Peppa Pig theme park. Corbyn would have had to talk about a vegan alternative,” he said, before adding no less than six cry-laughing emojis.

“That’s Corbyn’s issue: no self-awareness.”

The speechwriter who came up with the idea of Boris Johnson praising the Peppa Pig theme park has been offered a job writing for hack open mic comedians everywhere.

Featured image: Evening Standard on YouTube

Opinion: I liked Mitski before it was cool, and I’m still waiting

As told to Joe Molander

Hello reader, it’s me, the guy who ghosted you on Tinder after mansplaining Virginia Woolf. It’s such a shame, because I was so close to telling you how feminism should be done.

Today, I’m back with another treatise. You can tell I’m an intellect, because I say things like “treatise”.

Among my various intellectual pursuits – such as convincing myself I’m not rich when I live in Kensington – I enjoy listening to Mitski. You probably haven’t heard of Mitski, but that’s okay: I’m such a good feminist that I will happily explain it to you in a slow, over-enunciated voice.

Mitski is a singer-songwriter who’s more underground than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She’s so obscure that the only monthly listeners she has on Spotify are me, and 6.8mn other people.

There is, of course, one side effect to being a Mitskian, as those in the know call ourselves. Her music is so real and so raw that as soon as you become a devotee, you instantly lose all your friends.

Still, that’s to be expected. The people who speak truth to society are often the furthest alienated from it. Just look at Socrates, or Kayne West.

So no, I don’t mind that my love for Mitski is uncool; in fact, I wear it as a badge of honour. Can you unblock me please?

Featured image: lucasalmei on Pixabay

Opinion: fuck it, you’ve done enough to stop climate change

What’s that? Just going to sit back and put your feet up for a little while? Sure. That’s fine.

I mean, look at all you’ve done to stop the nigh-inevitable destruction of the human race due to man-made climate change.

Look at that recycling bin. Go on, look at it. You did that. That’s your contribution.

Oh, sure, the council gave you the bin, and they’re the ones that empty it, but it doesn’t work without you. You’re the one who drags it out to the curb every other week, apart from when you forget. You even put recyclable stuff in there, when you can be bothered.

Yeah. No-one can take that away from you.

Is that a burger? Man, absolutely. Treat yourself. You’ve earned it. Think of all the meat-free Mondays that you’ve taken part in. You ate a middling vegetarian chilli for dinner this week. And maybe you had a chicken salad sandwich for lunch but, as you so eloquently argued, that meat was already bought and paid for.

I mean, what were you going to do? Just throw it away? You don’t have a compost bin, and God knows the damage that binning that chicken salad club would have done to the environment. This way, you get some use out of it, and it gets recycled naturally.

Apart from the packaging, but you’re right: it was raining outside last night, and you’d have got soaked if you’d leaned out of the kitchen door to throw it in the bin.

On an unrelated note, I see that wall of photographs of BP higher-ups is still pretty free from red crosses and newspaper cuttings.

Oh, I’m sure it’s difficult to get into position. After all, the scope on that rifle only offers you 18X magnification. You’d have to be in the same city to get the job done: it’s a lot of risk.

And you’re right: they do have families. Imagine the oily tears running down their children’s faces when they saw Daddy’s head explode into a red mist on the news. You couldn’t live with yourself if you did that.

No: someone else will get around to it. They’re killing the planet, after all, drip by black drip. Surely someone is going to do the decent thing.

No, you sit back and rest. It’s nice and warm in here, after all. Getting warmer, too.

You’ve done enough.

Featured image: Pxfuel

Opinion: Leftists need to be more patriotic about my Union Jack vajazzle

There’s something terribly wrong with this country. A lack of pride that the British feel for this nation and all of its accomplishments. I mean, when was the last time that you heard the national anthem? How long has it been since we all applauded the NHS? And, for the love of God, what is the left’s problem with my Union Jack bedazzled genitalia?

I’m a proud Brit. I take pride in every moment in this country’s history. And I choose to show that pride by carefully arranging a collection of sequins over my crotch to represent our great nation’s flag.

The purity and optimism surrounding my glittery downstairs business is beyond question. However, both politicians and people on the left side of the aisle still have an almost virulent opposition to this show of support for our great country.

“It’s disgraceful,” one sour-faced biddy hissed at me, somehow incensed by what was nothing more than a fellow citizen showing their love for this country.

“You ought to be locked up,” said one young man, who seemed unwilling even to look at the symbol of my patriotism.

Locked up. That was what he – and a good portion of the rest of the left wing – wanted for me and other patriots. Our crime? Loving Great Britain.

Eventually, I was asked to leave the Tesco where my show of national pride was taking place. The manager warned that, if I did not, then they would need to call the police. I’ll admit, I was tempted to let her do so: let her try to explain that she was disgusted by a fellow Briton who actually likes the country of their birth.

It is clear that there is a terrible strain of anti-British sentiment fermenting in the national consciousness, where even the indication of patriotism is met with disapproval and threats of arrest. I have even been forced to remain at a certain distance away from all schools, clearly in an attempt to preserve the brainwashing of future generations.

But, until the left wing can accept, appreciate and celebrate the sparkling national tribute hosted by my nether regions, I fear that we truly are a country on the decline.

Featured Image: Pixabay

Op-ed: why the UK should devolve the base rate of interest to local authorities

In today’s media-saturated environment, news outlets are engaged in a race to the bottom to drive up engagement. As such, un-sexy topics that aren’t conducive to clicks rarely get coverage.

One such topic is the base rate of interest, or the bank rate. This is what the Bank of England charges on single day maturity loans to other banks. Thrilling, I know.

However, this is stuff that matters. The bank rate has the ability to profoundly impact your spending decisions. Suppose the bank rate increases. If your bank is having to cough up more to the Bank of England, it tends to pass the buck on to you. A higher interest rate for your bank means a higher interest rate for you, and your friends and family. Spending across the entire economy should, the theory goes, decrease, when borrowing becomes more expensive. When the bank rate falls, the opposite happens, and the economy can regain momentum.

The Bank of England is acutely aware of this, which is why it uses the bank rate to keep the economy stable. Too much inflation? Hike up the rate to choke off demand. Not enough growth? Slash the rate and watch the economy pick up steam.

That’s what I’ve been told at university, at least. I’ve since come to learn that things are more complicated than they appeared in the dog-eared copy of my economics textbook. Having lived through recessions and broken promises, which we were told were either unpredictable or unpreventable, perhaps I’ve grown tired of business as usual.

The issue with the bank rate is twofold. First, the Bank of England has tired itself out trying to get the economy going. When lockdown hit, the base rate of interest was reduced to a miniscule tenth of a percent, where it has stayed ever since. Almost 11 years to the day before that, it was slashed from 1% to just 0.5% to try and dig the UK out of the 2008 recession.  

Instead of getting us out the hole, though, the Bank of England fell into a liquidity trap. Simply put, there’s only so low you can go before the financial world forget you’re there.

The second issue with the base rate of interest is that it’s too broad. When used properly, it can be a powerful tool in the Monetary Policy Committee’s belt to keep the economy stable. However, inflation in urban areas tends to be noisy, and distract from the complete lack of growth in rural areas. Is it really fair to punish farmers and coastal workers with a rate hike that’s only needed in the cities? Similarly, what if the city needs rates cut, but rural areas suffer from (cost-push) inflation?

The regional differences are such that they can no longer be ignored. In 1992, chaos erupted in the UK and on the continent, in part due to the failures of maintaining a single monetary policy across Europe. The UK is comprised of regions whose economic prospects are just as diverse as those of the countries across Europe. The two nations of which Disraeli warned are here, fully formed and entrenched in part by financial mismanagement. The time has arrived for each region of the UK to have the ability to decide what rate its commercial banks will receive.

I’m far from a Conservative, but this is a proposal the government will surely welcome with open arms. Are they not the ones who enthuse about ‘levelling up’ the UK? If the Tories have any real interest in eliminating regional inequalities, they can start by creating regional bank rates, and devolving the power to set them to local authorities.

Featured Image: Bank of England on Flickr

Opinion: Valentine’s Day is for friends too, I just don’t have those either

Hi, I’m here to write an opinion piece, because who needs journalism based on facts?

Usually, our editorials take their cues from the press releases BP Oil send us, but today, we’ve been allowed an entire independent thought.

Don’t worry though, we won’t get greedy: too many baseless opinions and we’d have to move continents, to start jobs at The Washington Post.

Here at The Lampoon, we reject the idea that Valentine’s Day should only concern romantic relationships. After all, love can take many forms, like the love a father has for a child, or the love our editors have for Valium.

Moreover, those types of love are permanent. You can’t make them go away, like accusations of forging Valium prescriptions.

It makes sense, then, that the holiday celebrating love should be for all love. Love between friends in particular is sacred and moving, presumably.

As such, the editorial staff at The Lampoon resolves to celebrate friendship just as much as romance, as soon as we experience either.

Featured Image: StockSnap

Pre-made category for “food, rents, monthly bills” on fundraising websites simply the best system we have

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give” – Winston Churchill.

I think the quote above speaks volumes. This is the greatest man this world has ever seen, articulating so precisely the beauty of charity. In an act of giving, we receive so much. This is why I was filled with such joy upon seeing that popular fundraising site GoFundMe has added a premade category for campaigns related to “food, rent, and monthly bills”.

Clearly welfare systems are not working – who would’ve guessed that socialist or Maoist-communist measures such as Universal Credit aren’t viable? So, those struggling must turn to other avenues. Historically – and, it appears, presently too – this has meant relying on the generosity of well-meaning members of our society who have the wherewithal to pass on a little of the wealth they’ve worked diligently to earn.

Charity is great! Charity online is greater!

Society’s Have-Nots now don’t have to submit themselves to the embarrassment of grovelling for cash. Sites like GoFundMe make it simpler than ever to ask others for the money required to pay for your survival. The campaigns take minutes to set up, and put a friendly computer screen between you and any unpleasant face-to-face interaction. GoFundMe has also made charity intersectional! Where once the act of giving was confined to the old white men who have the cultural clout to earn enough to spare a little, fundraising sites often provide an easy shareable link. Now fundraisers can access anybody on social media, and the beautiful act of giving has been opened up to anyone with a Facebook account, not just privileged millionaires and billionaires. It’s a win for everyone.

Socialists who wish to turn capitalism into the Mongolian-style Marxist communism of Khorloogiin Choibalsan have no feet to stand on. Their tired argument of “capitalism doesn’t provide for everyone in society” is completely negated by the ever-increasing prevalence of fundraisers to cover people’s basic needs. Why would we ever need welfare systems when there are tens of millionaires ready to funnel their cash into charitable causes? Welfare systems and socialist communism in the style of Kiro Gligorov take away a citizen’s right to giving. How could we do charity if the state is already giving people what they require to live healthily and happily?

As the great Winston Churchill said at the beginning of the article, “we make a life by what we give”. The Marxist social “democracy” of figures like Tachat Sargsyan fundamentally makes it impossible for humans to make a life. Charity under capitalism is simply the only system available.

Opinion: we should burn down the shoe tree

One doesn’t need to look too far to find mechanisms of oppression. Everyday things that many take for granted may stand for an oppressive system in which they are mere cogs.

A prime example of this is the shoe. A shoe imprisons the foot, and acts as a restriction, holding it in place and tying us down to the ground.

It stands to reason, then, that monuments to this oppression should be torn down, as monuments to any oppression should be. And what better example of a monument to the oppressive nature of shoes is there than the Armstrong Park Shoe Tree?

Students, weary from wearing oppressive shoes, often throw their shoes into the air, much like a graduation cap. At one spot, so many students threw up their shoes in exasperation that a cluster of shoes began to form, and an entire tree was eventually covered by shoes.

The objects of oppression, the shoes, have merely been passed on to the trees, tying them down. Man has merely passed the oppression on to nature. To finally rid the environment of oppressive shoes we must burn down the shoe tree itself. In doing so, we would be getting rid of those foot-hiding horror contraptions once and for all in a long black smoke.

Opinion: Not voting for Trump in 2020 makes me a hero, you socialist fucks

Look, leftists, I think that you and I have to get something straight. You need to start acknowledging how magnanimous and forward-thinking I am for not voting for Donald Trump this November, or we’re going to have some real problems.

I voted for Trump in 2016, and I’m not ashamed of that. If the best that you can offer me is Hillary Clinton, with her emails, and Benghazi, and her cheating rapist of a husband, then don’t be surprised when I start looking for other options. And yes: maybe I would have been happier voting for Ted Cruz, or Marco Rubio, or even John Kasich, but I have been a Republican since I was young enough to vote, so don’t expect me to throw a lifelong loyalty to my party out of the window just because my first choice doesn’t get the nod. I voted red down the whole ballot, and I have no regrets.

It seems like it’s been a long time since that election and, I have to admit, your disappointment at Hillary going down to the Donald really made me believe that I’d accomplished something great. Even now, I look back at footage from that night – of college kids with coloured hair and children with dark skin holding each other, eyes wide with fear – and I can’t deny that it makes me want to vote for Trump all over again. But, like I say, it’s been a long time, and there’s been plenty of events over the past four years that have made me take stock and reconsider.

And I’m not talking about the young children that have been forced to live and die in cages for years now, or about the fact that the wall that I voted for hasn’t been put up along the Mexican border yet. Nor do I mean the revelation by a Senate Intelligence Committee that Russia meddled in our national elections on behalf of President Trump, or the fact that he has had a higher turnover of staff and officials than any other President before him, all of whom have gone on to disparage or write tell-all books about how allegedly “unhinged” he is. This doesn’t have anything to do with him getting impeached for withholding aid to Ukraine in order to gain dirt on Sleepy Joe Biden and his son, or the fact that he and the Senate aren’t acting against Russian interference in this election or attempting to halt the sabotage of the United States Postal Service. I’m not saying this because he told the armed forces to teargas protestors and had a priest removed from a Washington DC church so that he could pose with a Bible, or because he’s not been able to demonstrate the mental awareness that I believe a President needs to possess. This isn’t about the unrest that has broken out under his watch or his pardons for Joe Arpaio and Roger Stone, or all of those photos of him with Jeffrey Epstein (who didn’t kill himself, by the way) and Ghislaine Maxwell (who didn’t kill herself, by the way – EDITOR’S NOTE: DELETE IF NECESSARY).

The reason that I am voting against President Trump in the upcoming election is that he claimed that the coronavirus was a “liberal hoax”. Back then, my wife and I believed that’s exactly what it was. We couldn’t help but laugh at all the dumb sheep, hiding inside and keeping a mask over their faces. “Maybe that’ll stop them from talking so much trash about the greatest country in the world,” my dear Lucy used to say.

I say “used to say” because Lucy sadly died a few weeks ago, having been infected with the coronavirus that our President told us was all a big lie. The coronavirus that he and the First Lady have now contracted, after denying its severity all this time.

There’s only so far that you can push a man, and when someone is responsible for the death of your wife, whose only crime was believing a man she thought was the greatest President that this country had ever had, it becomes impossible for you to give them your vote.

So, I’ll be holding my nose and voting for Joe Biden and his socialist agenda. I don’t expect your thanks, and I frankly don’t want them. The day I accept anything from a Demoncrat is the day I want you to put two in my head and bury me in the backyard. Of course, given that none of you snowflakes own guns, that could take a while, so maybe you could just get Hillary’s people to do it for you.

No: what I want is for you to respect how insightful and great-hearted it is of me to change my mind. Maybe you think it’s easy to change your mind in the face of all the opposition, both foreign and domestic, that President Trump has endured during his first term. I bet that you’ve just been loving every one of these so-called “scandals” and the ever-rising death toll, knowing what it’s doing to those of us who voted according to our hearts and our morality back in 2016.

Well, you can just about start giving me the credit that I deserve for this decision and this sacrifice. You owe me that, along with your gratitude and your respect.

And if you don’t give me that, at the very least, then don’t be surprised if I vote for him again this election.

Opinion: why being a student landlord is the new punk

When you first come to university, it’s only natural to want to reinvent yourself. The only problem is that being an “edgy Communist” is actually pretty common these days, to the point of cliché. To be punk is to be subversive and abnormal. You should make the average person consider crossing the road when you walk down the street. When you tell people at a party about what you do, they should make their excuses and find someone else to talk to.

Therefore, I propose that the new “punk” is being a student landlord.

I mean, think about it. Just the mere thought of a person providing property to a person for profit is going to trigger your average Marxist-Leninist student (and make the Marxist-Leninists with Chinese characteristics murderous). Those bleeding-heart progressives surely won’t want to associate with you, thus making your possession of a property portfolio counterculture.

And so, the rub. How does one become a landlord? Well, according to Newfess #NFII21990, you should just buy a cheap property. There was some waffle in the comments about needing an income to obtain a mortgage and needing a deposit of several thousands of pounds but that’s small stuff, don’t sweat it.