St James’ Park pre-emptively installed with ‘glory hunting twats’ stand

Fans have spotted a ‘glory hunting twats’ stand being installed at St James’ Park, a struggling community centre in the north east of England.

This follows the acquisition of Newcastle United Football Club by Saudi Arabia, the world’s least sexually liberated sugar daddy.

A spokesperson for the club swam through piles of money being dumped in the room by industrial diggers to speak to The Lampoon.

“This exciting new extension is to get ahead of the changes we expect to see at the club over the next few years. Namely, improving the reputation of one of the worst human rights abusers on Earth, and Newcastle supporters getting called fake fans in eighteen months by Man City fans.”

“We can’t wait for this new stand to attract hundreds of thousands of Twitter followers, and maybe three ticket sales.”

“That’s what this is about: community,” she explained, before spitting out several £50 notes.

Image: CFTV Stadiums, YouTube

Inspiring: Toon Lampoon 5-a-side team refuses to join European Super League

The Toon Lampoon’s 5-a-side team has taken the bold stance of refusing any offer to participate in the new European Super League. Critics have suggested the move is motivated less by principle and more by the fact that The Toon Lampoon doesn’t have a 5-a-side team.

The Lampoon has rebutted that if only actual teams are able to qualify, it begs the question of how Arsenal managed.

However, to assuage detractors, The Lampoon has formed a 5-a-side team just so it can refuse to participate in the European Super League. The players were drawn from the homeless shelter where Lampoon writers live, and the Newcastle reserve squad.

The team captain explained “It’s very important we take a stand against greed, unless it’s our greed. As such, we will not be accepting any offer to join the European Super League, provided we are absolutely certain there’s no money in it.”

Note: the first two jokes were written by The Lampoon’s very own Tom Clarke. This blatant plagiarism has taken place because we at The Lampoon have about as much common decency as the founding clubs of the European Super League.

Featured Image: Jarmoluk on Pixabay

Local man just happy to be understanding football talk

A local man has admitted to being satisfied just understanding football talk for once. This followed all his friends being devastated at a development in football just novel enough for him to get away with asking stupid questions.

The man agreed to talk to The Lampoon’s sport reporter, a retired football hooligan.

“I’m delighted,” he explained. “I’m finally able to keep up with all the football talk, and all it cost was all my friends’ favourite sport!”

“I’m finally getting involved in conversation, and I feel on top of the world. I even sent them a Twitter meme.”

“I mean this really is the best it can get.”

The man continued to enthuse about just how much he was learning.

“Apparently, that 15 founding clubs are guaranteed participation is analogous to the gatekeeping of membership of the European Union after the 2004 ‘big bang’ expansion. Also, Man United’s manager is a slag.”

Featured Image: Pexels on Pixabay

Ranking every Premier League team by how likely they are to stage a military coup on Chile

We’re in the fledgling stages of a real spectacle of a Premier League season, and there are already plenty of upsets spicing things up in the UK’s biggest football division. There are a lot of different ways you can rank and order the 20 clubs that participate in this year’s Prem, but there is only one that truly matters: from least to most, how likely is it for each team to stage a coup d’état in Chile?

#20: Manchester City

Following the City Group’s acquisition of Santiago City – their 139th football club – it looks near-impossible for the Citizens to speak out against the Chilean government, let alone stage a full-on coup against them.

#19: Crystal Palace

Eagles manager Roy Hodgson is an outspoken advocate for the National Renewal Party of Chile. Unless things were to dramatically change, Palace would be in prime position to defend Chile from a military coup, not participate in one.

#18: Arsenal

Given Tottenham Hotspur’s rigidly anti-Chile stance, it is rumoured that Arsenal are in favour of maintaining the status quo in Santiago, simply out of spite.

#17: Sheffield United

Chris Wilder’s men are known to work on a shoestring budget, so it’s unlikely that they would find themselves in the right financial position to launch a military coup of any kind, never mind one that would see them traverse an ocean and most of a continent in transit.

#16: West Bromwich Albion

There’s just something about the Baggies that says “No, they probably won’t involve themselves in large-scale military operations in South America”.

#15: Brighton & Hove Albion

When asked about Chile, Graham Potter went on a fifteen minute rant about how Chile is, traditionally speaking, a beanless dish, and that anyone who includes beans in their Chile is disgracing its Mexican roots. From this, we can decipher that his involvement in the country’s politics is minimal.

#14: Wolverhampton Wanderers

Wolves seem far too busy pretending to be Portuguese, so they are unlikely to make a move on Chile at the present.

A picture taken during the 2014 unrest spurred on by Stoke City, who are no longer in the Premier League. Image: C64-92 on Flickr

#13-10: Leicester City, Everton, Leeds United & Southampton

Given that these four Premier League clubs are actively involved in a military coup in Sierra Leone, they seem to have their hands full at the present. Things can quickly change, but for now, West Africa will keep this coalition busy.

#9: Fulham

In what looks to be a difficult season ahead for the Cottagers, it’s likely that Scott Parker may look towards more creative methods for survival in the Premier League. Whether that means signing a new centre-back in January or seizing power in the Chilean capital, we cannot possibly know.

#8: Newcastle United

When asked about Chile, Steve Bruce said “No, I’m warm enough, thanks”. There is certainly potential, however, that Bruce’s words were faux-ignorance, and that he is plotting a coup as we speak.

#7: Manchester United

After what happened with Alexis Sánchez, how could Man United fans not want to see a significant restructure of Chilean politics? With that being said, it’s unlikely that the Glazers will fund a venture of this magnitude, as they have already set their sights on the cheaper, more realistic option of a Venezuelan military coup.

#6: Chelsea

With news arriving of Chelsea’s failed attempt to purchase Chile in the summer transfer window, things are tense between the Blues and the South American country. Frank Lampard may seek alternate methods of acquisition this winter.

#5-3: Aston Villa, Burnley & West Ham

This trio of teams were recently spotted attending a “Claret & Blue Conversion Rally”, in which a union of organisations that share the same colour scheme plotted to force all of the world’s institutions into representing the claret & blue, including the Chilean government. Unless Chile complies and switches up the colours on their flag, it’s looking like military intervention may be inevitable.

#2: Tottenham Hotspur

José Mourinho has repeatedly insulted Chilean President Sebastián Piñera in press conferences this season, calling him a “wasteman” and a “clout-chaser”. With Spurs-Chile relations nearing boiling point, it is only a matter of time before a coup is on the cards.

#1: Liverpool

There’s just something about Jürgen Klopp that screams “this man is a severe and immediate threat to the current ruling political party of Chile”. One look at his toothy grin would send shivers down the spine of any right-leaning Chilean, and, although Klopp hasn’t formally commented on the matter, it is surely only a matter of time before Salah & co. arrive on the Chilean coast.

“Slight mix-up” as Saudi government bombs St. James’ Park and buys Yemen

The Saudi Arabian government has today accepted the blame for a historic mistake after they accidentally bombed St. James’ Park, the home of Newcastle United. This came after it was announced that the Saudi-led takeover of Newcastle’s football team had fell through.

Speaking on the accidental bombing campaign, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has claimed “there was a slight mix-up on our part, I’ll be the first to admit that. You guys know how these things go.”  

Citizens of Newcastle are bewildered with the latest development in the takeover saga. One local man, Neil Waylike, told The Lampoon he’s “devastated. Absolutely devastated. I know the takeover didn’t go through, but this is a bit much like. In fact, we’re in an even worse situation than we were before. Heartbroken man. I’m heartbroken.”

Even more bewildered at the news are the citizens of Yemen. One man from the Yemeni capital of Sana’a, who wished to remain anonymous, told local press that “the mood here is weird at the moment. On the positive side, due to the Saudi investment, we’re now favourites for the 2022 World Cup. That’s pretty good I suppose.”

The Lampoon has journalists on the ground in Newcastle, ready to bring our readers any further twists in the takeover saga.

Journalists in 2050 insisting Newcastle United takeover imminent

This report has been sent to us from thirty years in the future, which means The Lampoon will run at least thirty years longer than expected.

In a stunning turn of events, recent leaks to The Lampoon suggest news of a potential Saudi takeover of Newcastle United could be imminent.

Representatives from the Saudi sovereign wealth fund began their attempt to remove from ownership sports tycoon and Victorian workhouse aficionado Mike Ashley in January 2019. Now, only 1656 weeks later, recent rumours have led some fans to believe that the wait may be over.

The main issue with the takeover is the political rivalry between the Saudis and the Qataris, specifically involving issues around TV rights and piracy. “When I took this job I thought I was just box ticking,” says Premier League representative D. Runkard. “But instead, I’m having to sort out Gulf state conflicts. Who knew the Middle East was so complicated?”

The other main stumbling block behind the Newcastle takeover is that for the past 18 years, communications from Mike Ashley have dried up. “He certainly has been playing hardball with us,” an unnamed Saudi representative told The Lampoon. “But I suppose that’s to be expected when one party in the negotiations has been dead for 18 years.”

Gaming Society relieved that none of their players are good enough at Super Smash Brothers to be paedophiles

The Newcastle University Gaming Society has made a statement that it is “relieved” that none of the Super Smash Brothers players within its ranks are good enough at any of the series’ games to have been outed as child molesters.

Recently many players within the community have come forward and revealed that they were groomed and/or sexually abused by top players within the community. So far all the allegations have been compiled in a megathread in the Smash Bros subreddit.

In its statement, the Society said: “Whilst the vast majority of our Smash players are Smash 4 and Ultimate players, none of them are good enough to have been featured on the UK PR, not even as honourable mentions! As a result, we’re glad that none of our members have felt the desires to obtain sexually explicit images of or to sexually assault children.”

“We do have a couple Melee players in the society but they’re Fox mains and don’t even talk to their flatmates, let alone random children. They say they’re labbing techskill but it is the opinion of the society that they need to focus on their shocking neutral game.”

In the light of this controversy, it is probably for the best that the majority of the society’s players go 0-2 in bracket. It is this university’s tradition that the sports clubs exhibit morally reprehensible and potentially illegal behaviour, not the esports clubs.

UK government imposes national ban on Bakugans

Boris Johnson has declared the popular children’s toy Bakugan a threat to national security. He has stated that all law enforcement has been given permission to use lethal force where necessary to apprehend all Bakugan toys and propaganda.

The new law will be enforced by a specific nationwide task force called Ball Busters. Their budget and manpower is triple the amount being allocated to tackle COVID-19.

The decision follows a sudden surge in Bakugan-related crimes in larger cities like London and Warwick. The incidents started off small, but have since escalated to the point of national concern.

Earlier crimes involved muggings. Unwilling pedestrians would be forced into Bakugan matches and, upon losing, have to give up their valuables to the assailant, including their most prized Bakugan. No-one has been harmed in these muggings as of yet, unless you count their pride.

But what if this is the start of a new terrorist cell within the UK?

Many high ranking officials are concerned it is, and claim that this is just the beginning. They believe the muggings are simply a means to fund more nefarious goals.

In a time where the government has been almost crippled combating COVID-19, it seems the perfect opportunity to strike. But that won’t stop Boris Johnson using all the resources at his disposal to combat this new threat. Speaking exclusively to The Lampoon, he said:

“It is a disgrace that certain individuals have reduced a once gentlemanly sport to the instrument of criminals. We will not stand for it, and will use the full force of the law to combat it.”

“Unlike coronavirus, we will not allow this new brand of crime to spread. With a heavy heart, we must make use of Bakugans illegal.”

Some fear that Johnson has acted too late, and that the criminal masterminds behind this have, if you’ll pardon the pun, already got the ball rolling.

All we can do now is hold our loved ones close, and prepare for the worst.

Fight Night replaced with sword duel due to COVID-19

Sources have revealed that competitors in the well-known Newcastle boxing event will be forced to battle with swords because of the government’s social distancing guidelines.

A representative from the Students’ Union said that due to health and safety concerns, the bladed weapons will have to be at least four feet long. This is to “limit the transmission of the coronavirus from splatters of blood.”

He added that while a date had not been set for the event, ticket sales for the event are now open. It’s being billed as “24 fights, 12 matches, one ring and a dozen funerals! What a bargain!”

Jock Knapp, Lampoon sports correspondent, said: “You’ve always wanted blood, cheap trebs, but mainly blood, and now you’re in luck! Come on down to Venue and see a whole bunch of your fellow students literally get chopped to death, all in the name of entertainment!”

But, without further ado, let’s meet the fighters!

Lance “Daddy calls me Lancelot” Percy

Uni: Newcastle
Course: Agriculture
Weight: 12 st 6 lb
Height: 7′ 6″
Penis: “A bit of a let down”

Lance said to The Toon Lampoon “Well, yah, I first got to know my way around a weapon when I was in Stonyhurst College” and added that “Oh, wouldn’t it ever so nice to mame some commoners instead of a fox for a change?”

Phil “LARPing is no joke, right?” McAvety

Uni: Northumbria
Course: Computer Science
Weight: 14 st 9 lb
Height: 5′ 7″
Penis: “Never again”

Phil said to The Toon Lampoon “I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in HTML-based medieval combat” and he added that “I’ll jujutsu the shih tzu out of anyone who tries to come at me.”

Chad “I’m gonna K.O. the ‘rona” Chadwick

Uni: Newcastle
Course: Photography
Weight: 10 st
Height: 6′ 2″
Penis: “A cock so good it could be a stock image”

Chad said to The Toon Lampoon “these lot’ll be in a shock when they realise they’ve brought a sword to a gun fight. These two guns right here’ll finish ’em off.” He added that “I don’t believe in no weaponry, but I do believe in a good mask.”

Górdóné “I’ll make ’em into a sauté” Râmsy

Uni: École Polytechnique
Course: Culinary Arts Management
Weight: 82.5538 kg (he’s French)
Height: 177.8 cm (he’s French)
Penis: “Best served oiled till tender with a pinch of sildenafil”

Górdóné said to The Toon Lampoon “I’ll chop my oponent up so fien they’ll give me both a Michelin star and a belt” and he added that “my 1.2192 m (he’s French) knife can take a good beating.”

For all those who’re still reading this far down in the article, I’ll once again say you should get tickets as this Fight Night is the first time in years it will not be broadcast live by NUTV. This is because their incoming Station Manger, who The Toon Lampoon regards as a “right dickhead” want’s to abstain for the slaughter on moral grounds. What a wuss.

Pep Guardiola named managerial genius after wins against Watford, West Ham and Newcastle this season

Sky Sports’ array of pundits have came out to praise Premier League golden boy – and Manchester City manager – Pep Guardiola, after his team of plucky underdogs thrashed Newcastle United 5-0.

Despite Man City spending more than 1 billion pounds since 2008 to assemble a world class squad, pundits are jumping at the chance to tunnel more praise into Guardiola’s amazing achievements.

Sky Sports pundit Harry Beaver was quoted saying: “What Guardiola has done this season is brilliant, with the limited resources he has had during his tenure at Citeh”.

“I mean, when he thumped West Ham 5-0 at the start of the season I was shocked. Then beating the mighty Watford 8-0?! I thought we were going to have another Leicester!”

Beaver’s co-host, Sid Cophant, chimed in with “Let’s not forget the amazing story back in February, when 2nd place Man City surprised us all by beating 18th place Aston Villa in the League Cup final!”.

Although Liverpool actually won the title this season, Man City fans are rightfully claiming this was a fluke, based on Aymeric Laporte being injured for half of the season. As a result, they’re suggesting the most expensive squad in Europe was ‘lacking in depth’ to make a proper challenge for the title.