Win! Two most insufferable people you know contain themselves by arguing about poppies on Facebook

In a decisive win for your mental health, the two least sufferable people you know have contained themselves by arguing about poppies.

The argument sees your friend who still posts atheist quotes by Ricky Gervais take on fellow intellectual heavyweight, your dad.

Usually, your dad would subject you to his opinions about young people not wearing a poppy whenever you’re dim-witted enough to pick up on FaceTime. Now, he gets to do it with the friend who corners your girlfriend at parties to talk about the Middle East.

During the argument, your friend has been taking the angle that everyone who wears poppies is a Tory with “small dick energy”. This ingenious piece of rhetoric is set to completely stymie your dad, who is about to Google it and end up on a watchlist.

As for The Lampoon, we proudly stand with the old, heroic inmates of Ford Open Prison, who make poppies for less than £10 a week. With no contract, pension or right to organise, they really are the epitome of the Blitz spirit.

Featured image: Pixahive

The USA might have a new president but there is one thing you cannot forget

There are 48 million kangaroos in Australia and only 3,518,552 people in Uruguay.

If the kangaroos decided to invade Uruguay, each member of the population would have to defeat over 13.6 kangaroos each. Of course, only able bodied adults would be able to fight and so the true number of kangaroos needing defeating per capita would be much higher.

A large male kangaroo can be over 2m tall and weigh 90kg. Do not be fooled however: that 90kg is pure muscle. Adult male kangaroos will box each other until one falls down, gives up, or dies. These savage beasts will eviscerate a person with their razor-sharp claws if they perceive them as a threat to their young, their food, or their God-given territory in South America (specifically the country bordered by Argentina and Brazil).

It is easy to see why the kangaroos might try and take over their Promised Land. Uruguay ranks as one of the most progessive countries in the world, and the most in South America. The production, sale, and consumption of cannabis is legal. Same-sex marriage is legal. Abortion is legal. Perhaps most importantly, Uruguay is ranked first in South America for press freedom, much to the relief of this writer should he need to flee the UK.

Some might have thought that the USA and the world would have become completely perfect overnight with the inauguration of President Biden. The truth is that Uruguayans live under the constant threat of having to fight over 13 kangaroos each to the death in order to retain control of their country.

The worst bit is that they might very well have to do it alone. Unfortunately, in 2018, Unión de Naciones Suramericanas (Union of South American Nations) collapsed after a suggestion from then-Uruguayan-president Tabaré Vázquez to expand the common-defense remit of the Consejo de Defensa Suramericano (Council of South American Defense) to include invasion of any member state by foreign marsupials.

At the end of the day, we all know the mankind-macropod military action will happen at some point. One can only hope that both sides respect the Geneva Convention, if only in order to avoid the brutality witnessed in the last war against Australian wildlife, the Emu War.

Pre-made category for “food, rents, monthly bills” on fundraising websites simply the best system we have

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give” – Winston Churchill.

I think the quote above speaks volumes. This is the greatest man this world has ever seen, articulating so precisely the beauty of charity. In an act of giving, we receive so much. This is why I was filled with such joy upon seeing that popular fundraising site GoFundMe has added a premade category for campaigns related to “food, rent, and monthly bills”.

Clearly welfare systems are not working – who would’ve guessed that socialist or Maoist-communist measures such as Universal Credit aren’t viable? So, those struggling must turn to other avenues. Historically – and, it appears, presently too – this has meant relying on the generosity of well-meaning members of our society who have the wherewithal to pass on a little of the wealth they’ve worked diligently to earn.

Charity is great! Charity online is greater!

Society’s Have-Nots now don’t have to submit themselves to the embarrassment of grovelling for cash. Sites like GoFundMe make it simpler than ever to ask others for the money required to pay for your survival. The campaigns take minutes to set up, and put a friendly computer screen between you and any unpleasant face-to-face interaction. GoFundMe has also made charity intersectional! Where once the act of giving was confined to the old white men who have the cultural clout to earn enough to spare a little, fundraising sites often provide an easy shareable link. Now fundraisers can access anybody on social media, and the beautiful act of giving has been opened up to anyone with a Facebook account, not just privileged millionaires and billionaires. It’s a win for everyone.

Socialists who wish to turn capitalism into the Mongolian-style Marxist communism of Khorloogiin Choibalsan have no feet to stand on. Their tired argument of “capitalism doesn’t provide for everyone in society” is completely negated by the ever-increasing prevalence of fundraisers to cover people’s basic needs. Why would we ever need welfare systems when there are tens of millionaires ready to funnel their cash into charitable causes? Welfare systems and socialist communism in the style of Kiro Gligorov take away a citizen’s right to giving. How could we do charity if the state is already giving people what they require to live healthily and happily?

As the great Winston Churchill said at the beginning of the article, “we make a life by what we give”. The Marxist social “democracy” of figures like Tachat Sargsyan fundamentally makes it impossible for humans to make a life. Charity under capitalism is simply the only system available.

Local man begins quest to become “most anti-social person in the city”

Local man Jake Cox, 49, announced on his blog last night that he is “going to be the most anti-social person in the Newcastle-upon-Tyne by the end of the year”.

In a rambling diatribe, Cox denounced all 60,000 students in the city, calling them “lazy postmodern neo-Marxists” and claiming “they make the city literally uninhabitable”. These are interesting claims, since Cox himself is a postgraduate student at Newcastle University.

Cox has promised to “show you all how a real man pisses people off” and that “it’s all fun and games vomiting in the back alley in your underwear, wait until I’m setting off fireworks at 4am and shitting on your porch”.

Whilst us anarcho-anarchists (and Christopher Dorner fans) at the Lampoon can certainly admire the sheer courage it takes to go all-out and just give people hell, we do worry about the effects Cox’s rampage will have on the local curtain twitchers, since instead of all students causing anti-social behaviour, it will be a small minority ruining things for everyone.

Ants evolve military industrial complex to profit off forever war with other ants

The world’s largest ant megacolony has recently evolved a military industrial complex in order to profit from its forever war against the California/North Mexico and Catalonia supercolonies, our insect war correspondent reports. Since the New Orleans L. humile colony evolved a racial identity in the late 1800s and began absorbing other L. humile colonies in its slow, racially motivated extermination of all other ant species, ant warfare has become increasingly more complex, with various ant species evolving biomineral body armour, extra sharp mandibles, and even tiny little biological assault rifles in their quest for global dominance.

Now, the global megacolony has evolved the weapon that its queen hopes will turn the tide of the war – a war economy. We spoke to Worker #26277251926618, a worker ant in the Paris hive weapons factories, who had this to say: “It’s about bloody time we found a way to make some dosh off this war, it’s been terrible for the global ant economy. Some days, the inflation is so bad my leaves won’t even buy me enough fungus for three meals, and it’s been weeks since I could last afford aphid milk. Anyway, my job’s so easy now that we’ve evolved chattel slavery and I have fire ants to do the heavy work for me.”

The implications of this are currently uncertain, although the newfound dependency of the L. humile economy on producing deadlier and deadlier – yet still adorably tiny – weapons has led the ant biologist we keep locked in our bathroom to theorise that, if the global megacolony ever brings the rebel supercolonies under control, it’ll probably start a crusade against termites or something. We were going to press him for more details, but he was crushed under rubble as thousands of tiny c4 packages went off under our office during a battle between L. humile and Formica sanguinea.

Please help us: now the ants have white phosphorus.

Newcastle and Northumbria Uni’s Rivalry continues as both try to outdo one another with COVID cases

The competitive spirit between the two universities is, ironically, alive and well.

Newcastle’s two universities, Newcastle University and Northumbria University, have been engaged in a tense competition lately to see which university can crown themselves the king of COVID.

After the shocking announcement earlier this month that Northumbria Uni had seen a spike of over 700 cases, Newcastle Uni, not wanting to be seen as second best, announced over 1000 new cases just days later.

A spokesperson for Newcastle City Council had the following to say, ‘in these dark times, it’s refreshing and uplifting to see the good-spirited rivalry between our two universities live on and adapt through these difficult times. As a Newcastle University alumni, it’s hard for me to not be biased, I can only hope the red brick continues to excel.’

Numerous charities have expressed their interest in sponsoring and legitimising the contest, with a respiratory illness charity saying it would like to donate ventilators to the winning university.

Trump reportedly seen booby trapping the White House

In a shocking twist of election shenanigans, President Donald Trump has been spotted setting up a series of intricate and goofy traps modelled on those from the beloved 1990 cult classic Christmas film ‘Home Alone’. It is believed he is doing this in an attempt to keep Joe Biden and Kamala Harris from entering the property on the 20th of January, 2021.

A source close to the President has told the Toon Lampoon that the president has ‘laid down marbles at the doors, set up piles of feathers and glue next to oversized fans, and has even left cans of paint on stair cases to fall down when a trip wire is stepped on’. It is also said that the President has been heard pre-emptively saying ‘keep the change, ya filthy animal’ to anyone who enters a room he is in, and also stands guard at the rear door’s cat flap with an air rifle at night.

Donald Trump famously performed a cameo in the 1992 film ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’, and is known to be a fan of the franchise. The President has refused to comment on whether this was the motivation for his recent actions.

8 Government Approved ways to keep busy during a second lockdown

If there’s a second lockdown, it’s important for everyone to feel safe. To stop the spread of Covid-19, we have to spend time apart from friends and family.

Students, notorious in their social gatherings, are a particular point of concern for the government – but there are certainly ways to follow guidelines and still have fun this autumn. To highlight this, we’ve compiled a brief list of government-verified pastimes for those in education in the event of another lockdown.

1. Crack open a book

Who would want to go outside when a wealth of knowledge is waiting for you on your bedside table? Pick up some literature this autumn and open up your mind to brand new possibilities. Remember – it’s best to remain alone in your own home to do this.

2. Pick up a new hobby

Always wanted to play the guitar? Maybe learn to crochet? (NB: crocheted masks are not clinically approved.) Juggling? Any of these options and a few more are on the table, as you will have an abundance of time to learn something new. Outdoors hobbies or any activities involving multiple people are strongly discouraged.

3. Focus on fitness

Let yourself pack on a bit of weight over the first lockdown? Worry not, you still have plenty of time to spend getting back into shape. Either work out at home or go to the gym where dozens of others work towards the same goal! Go alone, though.

4. Drink alone

Nightlife and parties have long been a staple of student life. This time round, we have to do things a little different – but don’t worry, you can still binge drink to your heart’s desire, just make sure you do it in-doors without visitors. Keep your head up, champ!

5. Return to education

It’s not all doom and gloom for those of you who are still at school – things are essentially back to normal! You don’t have to worry about socially distancing – it’s education, for heaven’s sake! No mask? No problem. Go out there and enjoy yourself, kidda’.

6. Support corporations

Some out there can’t be as fortunate as you this autumn – wasting away, losing their very essence of life. I’m talking, of course, about large corporations who rely on your money for their very survival. Don’t selfishly forget to go out and support your country’s industry! You could also support small businesses, I guess.

7. Pick up some extra cash

Students are infamously broke, but you will still need plenty of money to support businesses this autumn, so get back to work! Plenty of places are looking for a helping hand in times like these. Supermarkets, factories, care-homes and other busy industries should be your first port of call.

8. Remain subservient

In challenging times like this, we require the complete support of the people. Keep your head up, smile, and, whatever you do, for the good of the people – don’t question anything. God save the queen!

Ska band has tragic realisation they have more members than fans

Local ska band Screamin’ Salmonella were disappointed to learn that they have more band members than fans.

The eight piece ensemble were shocked when they counted all of their friends who came to their gigs, only to realise said task required only one hand. Front man, Crazy Rudy Jones spoke to The Lampoon, claiming “I’ve spent the past five years of my life trying to make Ska big again, only to realise that the same four people were coming to all of our gigs. I’ve put blood sweat and tears into this, alongside many hours at McDonald’s, with the belief that we will one day make it, only to realise how little we’ve progressed”.

Bassist, Doctor Ringo Montana said “Maybe when we were 25 when we started this band, it was cool to write songs about our ex girlfriends and how much we hate living with our mothers, but when you’re 30, it’s a little bit embarrassing”.

We are unsure what the future holds for Screamin’ Salmonella, although it has been confirmed that three members have finally decided to get real jobs rather than working shifts in a dive bar.