Dolphins sink Sky News boat off Dover – “How do you like it now?”

A pod of dolphins was spotted Wednesday afternoon ramming a sky news boat off Dover, sources say. The boat was one of many attempting to film migrants and refugees crossing the channel in small watercraft.

After twenty minutes of ramming, the vessel listed to one side and became inundated with water, causing the captain to abandon ship. The dolphins appeared gleeful and began shouting, “How do you like it now?” along with chants of, “Ee eee eeee”.

Upon seeing the journalists in the water, a small dinghy filled with refugees approached the scene and rescued the men from the water, with one man from Syria saying, “We are all human and should never hesitate to help others”.

Dolphins will usually help drowning swimmers, and will even ward off sharks.  Dolphin rescue group DRG criticised Priti Patel for her “underwhelming” and “dehumanising” approach to the refugee crisis, stating they have seen an 300% increase in refugee rescues since last year. Head of DRG Mr Bottlenose warned that if humans did not take action, more anti-media protests would likely take place.

The Lampoon reached out to Poseidon for comment but he declined our requests for an interview.

Agrics Society rebrands as ‘Agrarian Society’, disassociates from intellectual infested Newcastle University

Following the announcement of the reorganisation of the society on Wednesday evening, The Lampoon sent our ace reporter to speak to the society following his yearly check-up at Specsavers. Unfortunately, he’s stopped returning our calls, so we don’t actually have any updates on this story.

If our reporter starts doing his job properly, The Lampoon will make sure to keep our readers up to date on any new developments.

We talked to the grass sample garden guy because we’ll do anything for clicks

You may have recently seen the listing on CLTE advertising a “beautiful lawn” composed of a mosaic of fake grass samples, having to be passed on to someone who would continue the project after the proprietors left Newcastle. The post got over 1.5 thousand reacts, and upon seeing this our eyes went all big and dollar signs appeared on them, like something out of a cartoon. We at The Lampoon immediately tracked down the poster with the intent on capitalizing on their ingenuity by doing an interview with them, for the sole purpose of driving more traffic to our site; here is the result.

The Lampoon (TL): Tell us a little bit about yourself and your house, who are you guys?

Toby Curless
: We’re a house of five, all just graduated. Three of us have lived together since first year and the other two went to college with one of the boys.

TL: Where’d you guys get the idea? Who came up with it and how intoxicated were they when they got the idea?

Toby: I honestly have no clue how the idea came about. I just came into the kitchen one day and there was a small mound of AstroTurf in the corner. I think one of my housemates initially just started getting free samples of anything she could find delivered to our other housemate so that she’d have to go to reception to collect them. Eventually she decided that the turf was the most embarrassing thing to collect so she stuck with that. I think it was boredom not alcohol that started everything off to be honest.

TL: What was the goal when it initially started? Did you think it would get this big? Have you had to move it house to house over the years?

Toby: I’m pretty sure the goal was just to piss off my other housemate. It just naturally carried on. Every now and then a new chunk of lawn would arrive in our kitchen and it just became normal. We had to move it twice, last year wasn’t ideal, we didn’t really have a garden so I had 3 bags of AstroTurf in my wardrobe for a year. This year it escalated during first term and other people had samples delivered to their houses so that we could cheat the system. We did all say at the start of the year that it’d be nice when we had all finished exams to have barbecues in the yard and sit on the turf but COVID has put a stop to that.

TL: Where did you find the companies that sent you samples? Did they ever get suspicious/mad?

Toby: It just involved googling AstroTurf companies and signing up for free samples with every one we could find. [None of the companies] ever got mad but I was sitting on a bench outside Liberty Plaza in first year when a bright green car with AstroTurf on the roof pulled up next to me. The driver looked pretty confused when he realized that he was potentially going to give people in student accommodation a quote for a garden.

TL: Did your landlord ever have any problems with it? What do people say about it when they see it first?

Toby: The landlord this year has been alright with the grass, I think like most other people they just think it’s a bit weird. My mum told me I was a “fucking idiot” for keeping it in my room for a year, but I think she sees the funny side of it now.

TL: What’s the plan with it now? Have you found someone to pass the torch to?

Toby: The new tenants for our house recognised the turf from a viewing and got in touch asking if they could keep it going. We spoke about it and agreed that it would be easiest for us. Someone who works for our letting agency saw the post as well and got in touch with us and the new tenants and agreed that we could leave it in place for them. Hopefully the whole yard will be covered by the end of next year!

TL: Fake grass: shoes on or shoes off? Who makes the best and the worst fake grass? Do you get bugs on them?

Toby: Tricky one. The grass holds a fair amount of water so shoes on usually. Recently purchased a picnic blanket and put that over the grass which was a great shout, felt pretty real. I can’t remember which company gave which grass but there are some absolutely vile ones. You don’t really get bugs on top but because the turf is all loose, the bottoms can get pretty well inhabited.

And there you have it; as promised, an interview with someone who made a funny post. What more do you want from us? We’ve given you what you came for, leave now.

If you’re in the market for handmade earrings, check out Toby’s girlfriend’s earring business on Instagram at @hulahoopsbyal . We’re not getting paid for this promotion but we really wish we were.

Sharks starve as local idiots die of COVID-19 instead of going surfing

A representative from the San Francisco Shark Association appealed on Thursday night for idiots to avoid dying of COVID-19, claiming that without them resident sharks would go hungry. Mr Carcharodon said food poverty among shark families was dramatically increasing as local idiots were dying of COVID-19 instead of going surfing.

Local idiots are a crucial source of protein for sharks, and should be eaten at least once a week as part of a healthy diet, according to figures published by Newcastle University’s Marine Dietary Specialists Department. Local idiots mimic the appearance of seals by wearing wetsuits and swimming in close proximity to seal colonies, making them excellent targets for sharks.

Mr White claimed that there is a correlation between these “reckless surfer types” and those who refuse to wear a mask. One local idiot The Lampoon interviewed also complained about wearing shark-proof chainmail, saying his “right to swim naked” was being compromised. Shortly after the interview took place he lost his right leg to a hammerhead.

In contrast, the shark community has taken the pandemic very seriously, with most individuals observing social distancing and choosing to wear a mask.

Luckily the plight of the sharks has been championed by other animal rights groups. A group of 40 koalas held a charity BBQ and completed a hot coals walk to raise money for the starving sharks. Mr White, a representative from the shark community, thanked the koalas for their efforts.

Hancock Museum to be renamed, current name ‘obscene’

The Hancock Museum in Newcastle, otherwise known as The Great North Museum: Hancock, is to be renamed, official sources close to the museum have said.

A source close to the museum said “We can’t have ‘cock’ in the name of a museum for children, it’s just not appropriate. It only stands to reason that we spend £2 million pounds of backer’s funds to hire a marketing agency to help us come up with the new name.”

A number of new names have been touted, including ‘Hanwilly’, to make it more family friendly, ‘Hanpenis’, to make it more scientific, and ‘Hanvagina’, to make it more inclusive.

It is not clear why authorities insist on retaining the name of genitalia in the name of the museum.

The source of all the controversy

This decision has received some backlash, with certain groups criticising the move.

Peter File, co-president of the People’s Institute of Saving Signs and Banners from British Yesteryear, or PISSBABY, condemned the move, saying ‘Cock is in our heritage, our culture, innit [sic]. You can’t just erase how important cock has been to our nation. I love cock, and am proud to say it’.

The decision comes after a famous street in Edinburgh, formerly known as Cockburn Street, was renamed to Dongrash Road.

It is not known whether the pub of the same name will follow suit.

Meninist hospitalised Following an all-female Sabbatical Officer team

A student has been hospitalised following the all-female Sabbatical Officer team starting in their roles last month, The Lampoon can reveal. He was discharged from hospital earlier this week after baffling doctors, who tried to determine the cause of his symptoms unsuccessfully for four weeks.

The student, who will remain unnamed for his own protection, is a self-described “man going his own way”. Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) is a mostly online community that advocates for men to separate themselves from a society harmful to men, and particularly to eschew marriage and cohabitation [with women].

Describing his symptoms, he said “I’d been experiencing a powerful sense of dread since the election results were announced but it wasn’t until the start of June, when the new sabbs began working, that I started feeling worse.”

“For a few days, I suffered from joint and muscle weakness, especially in my knees. Then I began experiencing near-constant sweating, particularly in my palms. I had no explanation for this. It wasn’t until I’d gone home for dinner one day and started throwing up uncontrollably after having some spaghetti Mum had cooked that I went to A&E.”

Doctors at Newcastle’s Royal Victoria Infirmary were perplexed by this young man’s condition, ruling out everything from an endocrine disorder to a brain tumour. Dr Robert Chase, of the RVI’s Department of Diagnostic Medicine, said “We had no clue as to what was going on with this patient. At first, we thought it was lupus, but after two more incorrect diagnoses and several futile treatments he began to feel better. We think he just began to accept that what happened was the will of the people and that there was nothing he could do about it.”

We here at The Lampoon urge anybody who is experiencing discomfort over the current Sabbatical Officer team to follow in the footsteps of this young man and get a grip. If you’re concerned about any radical changes they might make, don’t forget that they’re only in the job for a year anyway and it’s not like they ever get anything done.