Nothing happens without us knowing about it. No nation goes to war, no leaf falls from a tree, and no fresher skips a lecture due to a hangover on a Thursday, without our knowledge.

A machine recovered from a meteor impact in Wallsend some time in the ’60s generates a description of every possible happening all over the universe at every single instance in time, providing us with an almost infinite repository of data. A legion of monkeys wired into this machine, trained and equipped with typewriters sifts through this data and sorts out what we deem worth knowing, so that we can present it to our dear readers, bringing you the most comprehensive News experience this side of the Tyne.