In a decisive win for your mental health, the two least sufferable people you know have contained themselves by arguing about poppies.
The argument sees your friend who still posts atheist quotes by Ricky Gervais take on fellow intellectual heavyweight, your dad.
Usually, your dad would subject you to his opinions about young people not wearing a poppy whenever you’re dim-witted enough to pick up on FaceTime. Now, he gets to do it with the friend who corners your girlfriend at parties to talk about the Middle East.
During the argument, your friend has been taking the angle that everyone who wears poppies is a Tory with “small dick energy”. This ingenious piece of rhetoric is set to completely stymie your dad, who is about to Google it and end up on a watchlist.
As for The Lampoon, we proudly stand with the old, heroic inmates of Ford Open Prison, who make poppies for less than £10 a week. With no contract, pension or right to organise, they really are the epitome of the Blitz spirit.
Boris Johnson has today told the House of Commons, the world’s highest maintenance nursing home, that all poppies will be blue after Brexit.
The announcement inspired the ire of Labour leader and your mum’s boring older boyfriend, Keir Starmer.
“I’m incredibly saddened by this policy. I’m told by my spin doctor that ‘sad’ is an emotion, sort of like stubbing your toe but stubbing your brain,” Starmer told reporters.
“Rest assured, your Leader of the Opposition won’t stand idly by. He will stand competently by, and say a lot of cross soundbites.”
“We are the party for peace,” Johnson insisted, “except in regions where it is profitable to be for war.”
“Labour went gallivanting into the Middle East based on half-truths, but not us. We do our lying at home, like patriots.”
“This is the perfect way to pay our respects to British veterans of wars that Britain started.”
Though Spencer is still in the opening days of its theatrical release, Pablo Larraín has spoken enthusiastically with The Lampoon about his next planned project, which will examine the life and legacy of Prince Andrew, the Duke of York: Nonce.
“With Spencer, we took an imaginative approach to might have transpired during those days at Sandringham,” Larraín told The Lampoon’s Culture and Dogging Correspondent. “It’s such an intimate, almost secretive setting, that we were forced to jump to some conclusions to create a cohesive narrative.”
“Thankfully, when it comes to Andrew, there are all these useful legal documents that we can use. It’s going to make piecing together a story so much simpler.”
Prince Andrew, who still faces the threat of civil action in American courts, has not issued a statement since the relinquishing of his public duties. His whereabouts are unknown, though it is rumoured that the Duke of York is currently trapped within a large labyrinth under Buckingham Palace, feeding on the unwary as well as regular deliveries from Pizza Express.
Speaking about the differences between the two cinematic endeavours, Larraín noted the required difference in tone.
“Spencer, due to its content, is a taut, psychological drama that really opens up a private life to see the emotions within, and the filming reflected that.”
“Nonce, on the other hand, will have elements of a survival horror, as well as the occasional jump scare when… well, we don’t want to give anything away, but there are some scenes that are really going to make audiences sweat.”
Fans have spotted a ‘glory hunting twats’ stand being installed at St James’ Park, a struggling community centre in the north east of England.
This follows the acquisition of Newcastle United Football Club by Saudi Arabia, the world’s least sexually liberated sugar daddy.
A spokesperson for the club swam through piles of money being dumped in the room by industrial diggers to speak to The Lampoon.
“This exciting new extension is to get ahead of the changes we expect to see at the club over the next few years. Namely, improving the reputation of one of the worst human rights abusers on Earth, and Newcastle supporters getting called fake fans in eighteen months by Man City fans.”
“We can’t wait for this new stand to attract hundreds of thousands of Twitter followers, and maybe three ticket sales.”
“That’s what this is about: community,” she explained, before spitting out several £50 notes.
It’s an exciting day in the world of association football-based sports video games, as EA Sports have revealed a film based on their most successful series. Arriving July 2022, EA Sports FIFA: The Movie Based On The Popular Video Game Series Of The Same Name will be exclusively written and directed by renowned filmmaker, Guillermo del Toro.
According to early insider information, the film’s script consists entirely of dialogue from unseen commentator characters, while the on-screen cast will remain entirely silent. The plot is said to follow the story of a collection of matches between various fictional teams, as most clubs refused to license their details to the project.
The announcement was followed by a cast reveal.
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Paul Rudd … as Lionel Messi
“I am really excited to tackle a different challenge as an actor. They forced me to learn Spanish despite having no lines in the film. I’ve been on the training field for weeks, practising Leo’s free kicks. Hopefully I can do Messi justice.” – Rudd
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Ryan Reynolds … as Christopher Rolando
Due to licensing issues, Reynolds’ character is based on an athlete who cannot be named here for legal reasons.
“The hardest part of the role was practising the ‘SUIIII’ celebration. I pulled my hamstring twice in the process. Nonetheless, it has been an experience.” – Reynolds
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Robert Downey Jr. … as Gareth Southgate
“I’m a bit of a gamer myself, so this is an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. They let me keep the waistcoats, too, which was a nice cherry on top of the $85 million I was paid.” – Downey Jr.
Image: @johntravolta, Instagram
John Travolta … as Pep Guardiola
“I’m a big fan of the bald fraud, so to play him is truly a once in a lifetime experience.” – Travolta
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Benedict Cumberbatch …as Harry Kane
“I am excited to bring it home for the boys, best believe.” – Cumberbatch
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Pete Davidson … as Neymar
“I’ve always wanted to get into method acting. I’ve spent an accumulative time of around 15,000 hours practising stepovers and ball juggling to prepare for the role. Unfortunately, my on-field scenes were cut.” – Davidson
Supporting cast include Morgan Freeman as Pelé, Rowan Atkinson as José Mourinho, Jonah Hill as David Luiz, Penélope Cruz as the only female character, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Kevin Hart as the commentators.
EA Sports FIFA: The Movie Based On The Popular Video Game Series Of The Same Name will hit the big screen next summer.
Speaking on the steps of Capitol Hill, Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema told the press that she wasn’t like those other Democrat Senators, “who are, like, so obsessed with passing legislation that helps lift and keep people out of poverty.”
The Senator went on to claim that she was the kind of Democrat Senator who would carry a Lululemon bag, bring cake for senate staffers, vote against a minimum wage increase to $15 per hour, and be bisexual.
“I mean,” she told The Lampoon’s reporter, “how random am I? I’m so much more chill than all the other Dems: they’re always going on about abortion, combating domestic terrorism, and making sure that lower-income families don’t starve. Total snoozeville, right?”
“Meanwhile, I’m just here, taking corporate money to obstruct my colleagues’ progressive agenda. I mean, I’m just so fucking random!”
Sinema has faced criticism from both sides of the aisle, with Democrats lambasting her apparent abandonment of the very values that saw her elected, and Republicans professing a general disgust for her not being heterosexual.
“They just hate me because they wish they could be like me,” Sinema assured our correspondent. “Like, AOC wishes she could take corporate money and screw over the working classes, and Lindsey Graham wishes he could score some pole whenever he wanted. They’re just jealous.”
Democrats on Capitol Hill have suggested that, if the Arizona Senator does not begin cooperating with them to pass progressive legislation, then they shall have no alternative but to simply stop trying and hope that shit works out somewhere down the road.
Prime Minister and wet dog impersonator Boris Johnson has today proven his dedication to healthy living by announcing huge shortages of fizzy drinks. He also boasted about one-upping Labour’s 2019 proposals for a four-day week by only having enough power for three.
The Prime Minister agreed to talk about the drinks shortage to our health correspondent, who regularly runs, mostly away from loan sharks.
“This is a win for Britain,” the collection of carpet fibres insisted. “The shortage is due to a lack of CO2, so we’re also showing the world how green a post-Brexit GB can be!”
“Of course, I won’t be having fizzy drinks either, except for maybe a splash of Dom Pérignon. Even then, I’m saving that for when I find the nerve to sack Priti Patel.”
“After all, I believe in leading by example. I have long-since championed the nuclear family, which is why I’ve started at least two.”
Nadine Dorries told journalists this evening that she was “extremely excited” to get to work as the new Culture Secretary, showing the press pack her new Petri dish, microscope, and lab coat.
Dorries confirmed that she wouldn’t be bringing goggles or gloves with her, on the basis that that was the sort of lefty health and safety nonsense that this country could do without.
In addition to Nadine Dorries’ new position, Liz Truss has also moved into the role of Foreign Secretary, in what has been heralded as the latest move in the Government’s war on satire, as well as proof of their commitment to diversity when it comes to women and people living with pronounced mental illness.
“As Culture Secretary, I’m going to do everything I can to foster microorganism growth in conditions best suited to it,” Dorries added. “That is my responsibility, and that’s what I plan to do.”
Dorries’ commitment to fostering the growth of tissue has been well-documented, as she introduced several unsuccessful Private Member’s Bills to reduce the time limit for abortions in the UK.
A spokesperson for Downing Street claimed that the Prime Minister had “complete faith” in Dorries as she moved to start her new position.
“Nadine has consistently demonstrated outstanding judgement,” the spokesperson told The Toon Lampoon. “From appearing on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here to employing her daughters and sister for up to £45,000 a year, she has been beyond reproach.”
“We look forward to her excellent leadership when it comes to bringing about a new Golden Age of British culture, featuring Sid James, Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, and her own shit novels.”
Sports and hunting analysts alike have agreed that the population of dolphins around the Faroe Islands put in a truly lacklustre performance in what would prove to be the largest single hunt of cetaceans in history.
“It’s got to be embarrassing for them,” said conservationist Tom Harpoon, surveying the bloody aftermath. “They’re supposed to have near-human intelligence, but you could have fooled me.”
Following a night where 1429 dolphins were herded into shallow waters, stabbed to death with knives, then distributed to the local people for consumption, various animal rights groups and the broader international community have spoken out regarding the dolphin population’s need to get its head in the game.
“The main problem, as far as I see it, is that the dolphins weren’t incentivised,” said Michael Grayson, sports analyst. “Motivation counts for everything in this game, and the dolphins’ motivation to go on living clearly wasn’t of the same intensity as the Faroese’s desire to butcher over a thousand dolphins until the sea literally ran red.”
Jennifer Morgan, CEO of Greenpeace International, released a statement to journalists earlier today:
“Everyone loves a good underdog story. But the thing is, it’s difficult to care when that underdog puts in a shameful performance like we’ve seen here. I mean, dolphins are cute, but you know what I’m really invested in? Winners.”
The flawless victory of man over dolphin has been heralded by various environmental bodies as proof of how ultimately unstoppable humanity is.
“We’ve got it in us to go all the way,” said UN President Abdulla Shahid. “Faroe absolutely fucked those dolphins, and we’ve got the Amur leopard and the Black rhinoceros on the ropes. We’re the goddamn champions of the world.”
Shortly after the results came in, Greta Thunberg took to Twitter to say that even she found it hard not to view the dolphin population with scorn, disgust, and hunger.
At a press conference today, Rishi Sunak told journalists that he’s in a real tight spot, and that he wouldn’t ask the nation for money if things weren’t so serious.
The press conference followed the negative reaction to the announced rise in national insurance from the general public, economists, and Sunak’s own party.
“I thought we were cool, man,” the Chancellor said. “I didn’t think money was this big thing between us. Shit, fam: it feels like I misread our whole dynamic.”
Sunak went on to remind the general public about how chill he’d been about slipping them the furlough pay during the COVID-19 pandemic, without making a big deal about it or anything.
“That’s the kind of guy I am, man. I see a motherfucker in need, that motherfucker’s getting that paper. Guess not everyone out there’s as real as I am.”
This press conference follows a statement from the Treasury, condemning those phoneys who are always there for the good times but who walk out on you when things get tough.
“It’s times like this that you find out who your real mates are,” the Chancellor concluded. “There’s a shadowy network of donors out there who hand over hundreds of thousands without asking me for anything in any way that could be proved legally. That’s real friendship.”
“I don’t need people giving me shit about raising income taxes when it’s what I have to do to get by.”
The Government has signalled that it supports Sunak, with sources claiming admiration for how he has dealt with the negative reaction from “those fake-ass taxpayers.”
The Toon Lampoon 