WWE “looking forward” to Taliban-hosted PPV

Following the taking of Kabul by Taliban forces, a spokesperson for WWE has stated that the sports entertainment company “is extremely keen” to work with the Taliban to host an Afghanistan-based wrestling show.

“It really is exciting,” the spokesperson told reporters. “Naturally, this regime change opens up a great many opportunities for our company. We’re eager to collaborate with the current rulers of Afghanistan to bring our pulse-pounding brand of excitement and physicality to this region.”

WWE are no strangers to their controversial wrestling shows. Over the past several years, the company’s talent have performed live in Saudi Arabia. This required completely disregarding criticisms over the nation’s treatment of women, the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, and booking Goldberg to take the Universal Championship from The Fiend.

“We have, of course, taken the feedback from our fans into account,” WWE’s spokesperson told The Toon Lampoon. “But we also hold ourselves to the view that we will do whatever it takes to make money- I mean, entertain people all across the world.”

“American women in burkhas? Absolutely. Leaving our Jewish talent at home? Not a problem. Recognising a regime condemned by a large bloc of western nations? Fuck you: pay me.”

A spokesperson for the Taliban has told The Toon Lampoon that they take “a generally dim view” of oiled-up, muscular men getting handsy with each other in front of a paying audience. However, the spokesperson indicated that they could be convinced that the event conforms to Sharia law as long as WWE keeps the belt on Roman Reigns until WrestleMania.

Featured image: Flickr

Joe Biden commits to withdrawing troops from Afghanistan as soon as oil companies let him

Joe Biden has today committed to withdrawing all US troops from Afghanistan, just as soon as he gets the go-ahead from oil conglomerates.

“I announced in April I was going to get our boys home, and I meant it. We can’t stay in Afghanistan and continue to contribute to a bloodbath like we’re in some cowboy movie, or Iraq.”

“I just also happen to be a teensy-weensy bit scared of telling the oil guys no. They get about as unhinged as I am when I haven’t taken my meds.”

Of course, Biden admitted that there were many actors to consider.

“It’s also important we weigh up the opinion of the Afghan people, because that’ll make me look good in the re-election campaign.”

Biden is of course expertly qualified to understand all manner of complicated military matters. His understanding of technology, for example, is such that it now takes him just three hours to open a PDF.

Featured image: Gage Skidmore on Flickr

Newfess political posters ‘the new face’ of BBC’s Question Time

The BBC’s flagship political program, Question Time, is rumoured to be hiring the hottest political posters on Newfess II to be permanent panellists. The rumour started following a document leak on Twitter by a BBC staffer, and was later confirmed to be true by Director-General of the BBC Tim Davie who had this to say:

“I’ve been keeping a keen eye on Newfess over the years; from the original Newfess to the glorious period when we had two Newfess II’s jostling for the crown. One thing that was clear throughout its many different iterations is the sharp intelligence of its many political commentators. Who needs Alan Curtis to detail the complexities of the War in Afghanistan when we can have these Newfess posters tell the nation how George Bush was, in fact, ‘based’? It is for this reason that they have been chosen as the new face of British political institution”.

It is still unclear when these changes to the Question Time format will go into effect, however many predict that it will be after this year’s local elections in May.