TV show described as “acting masterclass” by most annoying person you know

A TV show has been dubbed “an acting masterclass” by the most irritating person you know, The Lampoon can reveal.

The incident occurred at a pub in Gateshead on Saturday. Our linguist team has confirmed literally any other phrasing would have been less insufferable.

“‘The cast are good’, literally just say ‘the cast are good’,” our head linguist said in a statement, or – as the police are insisting on calling it – suicide note.

“My back-and-forth discourse about religious symbolism in the comments sections of clips from The Sopranos has sharpened my wit to a fine point,” he told The Lampoon. “So it’s perfectly understandable that in real life I talk in a way that’s too articulate for some of my peers to understand.”

“It would be ridiculous to consider myself a critic,” he continued, while straightening his beret. “No, mine is the lot of a simple polemicist.”

Featured image: Adrian Scottow on Flickr

Man described as “bit of a character” actually just a cunt

The Lampoon can reveal that a man whose friends described him to a newcomer as “a bit of a character” is actually just a twat. The newcomer explained that she met the man through mutual friends last night, and agreed to discuss the incident with The Lampoon’s social affairs correspondent.

The man began the evening by insisting on ordering shots, being rude to staff and not taking off his cravat. He proceeded to explain to the newcomer that it’s ridiculous that women idolise men like Timothée Chalamet, before talking for an hour about Laurence Fox.

The newcomer has since confirmed she is suing for emotional damage.

“Oh my god, he was doing voices,” the woman added, while pinching the bridge of her nose. “I think it was an impression of the waiter, or maybe a bad John F. Kennedy, or a really bad Jackie Kennedy.”

“The best I can say about it was it probably wasn’t racist.”

The man is expected to be offered a job at a Big Four bank any day, though The Toon Lampoon would be interested in knowing if he had any experience in satire.

Featured image: Pixabay

Woman knows boyfriend’s joke about to turn into whole fucking riff

A woman was hit with the awful realisation that her boyfriend’s joke – which was only really funny once – is about to become a fucking riff. The Lampoon can confirm after the fact that the joke’s spontaneity was indeed destroyed by uninspired rehashing of an observation that was only slightly amusing.

The woman is said to have been devastated that she’d allowed herself to laugh the first time round.

“It’s my own fault,” she told our reporter, distraught. “We were in a restaurant and he made some half-baked crack about the vegan options, and I wasn’t paying enough attention to stop myself.”

“He went on and on about it. At one point he even brought the waiter into the fucking farce.”

Speaking to our reporter separately, the man told us, “Yeah, I told a few jokes about the vegan carbonara last night, and my girlfriend loved it.”

“I’m absolutely delighted with how the bit went down, and I can’t wait to bring it back at every social gathering from now until the end of time.”

The boyfriend has been offered a writing position at The Toon Lampoon.