Coma patient from 2014 wakes up, thinks Obama is dead

Our US correspondent, when in hospital for injuries sustained after fighting a rabid squirrel, came across the story of a coma patient who had woken up only today. Instead of respecting doctor-patient privileges, they listened in to the whole exchange and decided to report for you, our dear readers.

The coma patient was supposedly woken up by the partying of nurses, still celebrating Biden’s ascension as President of the United States. The patient, mildly confused, asked what the fuss was all about. The patient then saw the cake which in this instance was not a lie: HAPPY JOE BIDEN INAUGURATION DAY!

“OH MY GOD IS OBAMA DEAD?!” the coma patient asked.

This confused the nurses, who had seen Obama alive on the TV mere moments ago.

“Why would Obama be dead?”

“It says Biden, the Vice President, is being inaugurated as President! But Obama is President! Unless he was impeached over that whole Benghazi or IRS or Fast and Furious gun scheme stuff, he must be dead if Biden is President!”

The coma patient’s mistake was soon cleared up as the nurses informed them it was now 2021, 7 years had passed since they fell into a coma and there was a brief (thank god it wasn’t any longer) interlude of Trump as President. The patient seemed amused at the prospect of the ex-host-of-the-apprentice-USA becoming President, which is pretty heartless considering Trump as President was not amusing whatsoever except when it came to his grammatic gaffes (our finest codebreakers are still trying to decode ‘covfefe’). The patient then remarked:

“So Obama basically has a third term as President through Biden right? Pretty smart that.”

Our reporter was unable to discover what happened next but rumour has it that one of the nurses bitch-slapped the coma patient so hard that they are back in their coma. The same nurse has since been recruited to work in the same sex shop we here at The Toon Lampoon work in as a trainee dominatrix. It truly is a new dawn for everyone.

Satirists dismayed they’re going to have to start trying again

Satire writers across the world are alarmed at Joe Biden’s election victory. With Donald Trump on the way out, they are once again going to have to put some effort into making the world seem insane.

The mood has been decidedly shaky across the world’s best satire outlets, and The Toon Lampoon. One satirist asked our reporter “What are we gonna do now?”

“Trump made things easy. We could report the facts and they’d be too weird not to call satire, but what’s weird about the world after the election?”

“All we have now is a climate meltdown, civil rights movement, global pandemic and staggering wealth inequality.”

“I miss the old days, of war and slightly less staggering wealth inequality. That was a great time to be writing satire.”

Begrudging comedy writers are sobering up to the fact that for the next four years, it might be back to the standards.

“Pretending to be shocked that Biden is racist, and just hoping for an Obama-era scandal. Like a tan suit, or bombing a hospital,” a comedy writer told The Lampoon. “You know, something normal.”