BBC rejects bias accusations after calling Keir Starmer “a shiftless tw*t”

The BBC has spoken out against the latest accusations of political bias, refusing to retract an article that referred to Keir Starmer as “a shiftless twat”.

The article, which also levelled charges of gross incompetence and squirrel sodomy against the Labour Party leader, was the latest in a series of scorching editorials that lambasted Starmer for what has been described by many as “divisive behaviour” and by the BBC as “conduct that deserves nothing less than death via the blood eagle method of execution”.

When confronted with allegations that the article represented an active attempt to undermine the Labour Party while providing active support for the current administration, the Director-General of the BBC offered no apologies.

“The BBC has always been a non-partisan and politically neutral body,” he told The Toon Lampoon’s political catfight correspondent. “The content of that article could in no way be taken as either defamation or as biased in any form. We do not owe an apology to anyone, whether that is our readers, the Labour Party, or the deranged, slavering mutant that currently stands at its head.”

In response to the article, Keir Starmer has ejected seventeen Corbyn loyalists from the Labour Party and reportedly plans to order MPs to abstain on the next twenty-five Parliamentary Bills.

Doctor Who production team sends out casting call for Jimmy Savile

In what has been described as an “unexpected move” by the BBC property, the creative team behind Doctor Who recently sent out a call for actors to portray the DJ, television and radio personality, and mass rapist Jimmy Savile.

“We know that this is a controversial decision,” a spokesman for the long-running series told The Lampoon, “but Doctor Who is not just about aliens, spaceships, and the future. Some of the show’s strongest moments have been concerned with confronting the past: our own faults present in history.”

The science-fiction programme has received acclaim from critics and its audience for previous historical episodes. Rosa, an early episode from Jodie Whittaker’s run as the Doctor received an approval rating of 97% on Rotten Tomatoes and was praised as “an insightful instalment that returns the show to its educational roots and serves as a reminder of how powerful purposeful science fiction can be”.

“I’m not going to deny that Savile’s going to be a challenge,” the spokesperson told our reporter. “We’re talking three hundred potential victims, not to mention the BBC are sort of keen to avoid us making it look like they knew it had been happening since the 1960s. But the team does feel that we can do this story justice. Obviously, we wouldn’t want to erase the suffering of the victims by portraying a timeline where the abuse never happened, so this might be another situation where it’s the Doctor’s role to keep history on track, otherwise…I don’t know: Daleks or something.”

Jimmy Savile is no stranger to BBC programming, having presented Jim’ll Fix It on BBC One from May 1975 to June 1994, as well as being the subject of a tribute following his death in Christmas 2011.

Newfess political posters ‘the new face’ of BBC’s Question Time

The BBC’s flagship political program, Question Time, is rumoured to be hiring the hottest political posters on Newfess II to be permanent panellists. The rumour started following a document leak on Twitter by a BBC staffer, and was later confirmed to be true by Director-General of the BBC Tim Davie who had this to say:

“I’ve been keeping a keen eye on Newfess over the years; from the original Newfess to the glorious period when we had two Newfess II’s jostling for the crown. One thing that was clear throughout its many different iterations is the sharp intelligence of its many political commentators. Who needs Alan Curtis to detail the complexities of the War in Afghanistan when we can have these Newfess posters tell the nation how George Bush was, in fact, ‘based’? It is for this reason that they have been chosen as the new face of British political institution”.

It is still unclear when these changes to the Question Time format will go into effect, however many predict that it will be after this year’s local elections in May.

Jed Mercurio refuses to reveal “incredible twist” in police procedural spin-off, “Lion of Duty”

Despite rabid speculation from fans of a fictional world where every member of the police is a murderer or a sex criminal, Line of Duty creator Jed Mercurio has offered no details on what he calls “the greatest twist” yet in the show’s upcoming spin-off series, Lion of Duty.

“Trust me, I’m very familiar with the show’s following by now,” he told The Lampoon’s Grim Police Procedural Correspondent. “They’ll beg you to reveal the details early on, but they really want to be shocked when they finally see it onscreen, and that’s how we’re going to play this one.”

Mercurio has refused to divulge any specifics regarding the new show’s elements, though he has promised “some courageous risks when it comes to casting, with some inspiration taken from some of the foremost examples of crime fiction: Turner and Hooch, K-9, Lion.”

“All I can and will say is that this is going to be television that is going to keep its audience, and every single member of its cast, on the edge of its seats,” Mercurio concluded. “In terms of the criminal experience of being hunted by police, I guarantee that we’ll see the most authentic performances yet.”