Liz Truss declares war on Ukraine

Following a series of intense negotiations with Russian diplomats, Foreign Secretary Liz Truss officially declared war on Ukraine.

Speaking to The Toon Lampoon’s Meme Correspondent, Liz Truss explained her motivations for what many in the Foreign Office have described as, “Wait, Jesus Christ, what?”

“It has become clear, after a frank exchange of views with my Russian counterpart, that Vladimir Putin is thoroughly in the right on this issue,” Truss stated. “The Ukraine is currently in possession of Ukrainian territory, in open defiance of the wishes of Russia. This is a disgrace.”

“By defending Russian interests, not only will we deepen the ties of friendship between our countries, but we might also not need to give back the £2.3 million that they donated to the Conservative Party.”

The Foreign Secretary’s announcement has been hailed as a triumph by different sectors of the British political scene. The Prime Minister today acknowledged the “sterling work” that Liz Truss had done in distracting everyone from the topic of Christmas parties. Meanwhile, Nadine Dorries, glassy-eyed and tottering, explained how Ukraine had only existed for ten years, to what would later turn out to be a marble bust of Disraeli.

The left-wing Stop The War Coalition also applauded the Foreign Secretary’s actions, with a spokesman describing the move as “a much-needed rebuke to the international terrorist organisation known as NATO” before his mother called him in to finish his GCSE coursework.

Featured image: Flickr

Fabian Hamilton spends rest of PMQs sat cross-legged after Johnson photo question

Following his question to the Prime Minister about the newly-released photograph of Boris Johnson apparently attending a Christmas party, Fabian Hamilton allegedly crossed one leg over the other and spent the remainder of Prime Minister’s Questions quietly trying not to attract anyone’s attention.

“I mean…it’s understandable,” said Keir Starmer, when questioned about the Labour MP’s behaviour. “If I’d had the chance of the drop that sort of bomb on the Prime Minister, I’d have drilled a hole through the despatch box.”

Hamilton himself assured The Toon Lampoon that any sign of physical arousal was purely related to slinging yet more evidence of the Prime Minister’s duplicity onto the towering pile, rather than anything sordid.

“Does it make me feel… well, grubby, knowing that, most likely, Dominic Cummings had a hand… metaphorically speaking… in my erection?” the Labour MP for Leeds North East wondered aloud. “I tried very much not to think about that, but the source of political dynamite is not a choice, after all. For my part, I simply did my best to focus on the Prime Minister.”

“It still felt dirty, but I can at least live with myself.”

Following the end of Prime Minister’s Questions, Hamilton was able to bring an end to his embarrassing condition after two seconds of looking at Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries.

“Fortunately, she didn’t notice that I was gazing at her,” Hamilton assured The Lampoon. “Then again, at this time of the day, she’s probably seeing in pure double vision.”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Boris Johnson spotted holding boombox outside Christian Wakeford’s house

Somehow-still-Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been spotted by onlookers, holding a boombox outside Christian Wakeford’s house.

According to eyewitnesses, the boombox was playing what most set Johnson’s heart aflutter, namely an audiobook recording of The Rise of Rome by ancient historian Levy. Johnson is understood to be heartbroken after the MP for Bury South left the party, and is suspicious that another man is involved.

“It’s that homewrecker Keir Starmer,” Johnson told our reporter, through tears. “But I will not let go of what is mine: I can’t allow Christian Wakeford to become Christian Wokeford.”

“I can change,” he insisted. “It’ll be just like the way things were. I won’t break Covid rules anymore, just corruption ones.”

“I want Dishy Chrissy back in my arms and, like with all my lovers, I promise I’ll never cheat on him, on weekdays.”

The attempt to woo Wakeford was apparently not enough to convince the MP to return to the Conservative backbench. Not one to give up, Johnson was later seen in Bury South town centre shopping for a box of chocolates, flowers and a £325,000 public sector contract.

Featured image: Movieclips Classic Trailers on YouTube

Boris Johnson’s appearance on Would I Lie To You branded a catastrophe

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s recent attempt to boost his flagging approval ratings by appearing on popular panel show Would I Lie To You? has been lambasted as “a catastrophe” by his own MPs. The issue lay in the fact that the Prime Minister seemed to fail to grasp the concept of the game.

The broadcast started well enough, with Johnson engaged in light banter with his teammates, comedian Lee Mack and celebrity chef Delia Smith. However, things went downhill for the embattled PM after being given the statement “I never hosted a Christmas party whilst the rest of London was in lockdown”.

Seemingly unable to grasp the premise of the game, the PM initially claimed that he had never even read the card, before accusing the other team of “playing politics“ when they attempted to question Johnson about the statement. In a startling turn of events, the Prime Minister then apologised unreservedly about jokes made by his teammate Lee Mack earlier in the program, despite remaining adamant that no jokes ever took place. Lee Mack was later seen in tears resigning from the show.

“Frankly I think it was a preposterous idea to even begin with,” opposition team captain David Mitchell told The Lampoon. “He’s the prime minister during a global pandemic, why is he appearing on a panel shows? This seems like the sort of ludicrous thing only invented in the minds of bored satirists, not real life.”

Featured Image: Ali Plumb on Twitter and Number 10 on Flickr, edited by Joe Molander (in a drug-induced haze)

“Boris Johnson is a hypocrite?” nation asks, incredibly sarcastically

Britain – the world’s largest exporter of TERFs and red-faced men – has today pretended to be shocked that Number 10 broke its own lockdown rules.

This follows the revelation that Downing Street staffers were recorded joking about the gathering that occurred last Christmas. The leaked footage of the incident captures the first time a government official has smiled since Priti Patel was informed about Universal Credit cuts.

“Johnson and his people are hypocrites? Oh no, wow, really?” one member of the public told The Lampoon, completely monotonously. “I am astounded.”

The press, on the other hand, are understood to be taking the matter very seriously. It is, after all, the responsibility of huge swatches of the media to scrutinise the Prime Minister with due diligence and appropriate care. Not us, though: we can say that when he cums, he cries out the name of his nanny.

One journalist agreed to talk to The Lampoon, mostly because she’s suing us for libel.

“The press pack are adapting to this new development,” she explained. “Going forward, when newscasters say it is shocking to learn that the Prime Minister is a hypocrite and a liar, they will only be allowed to snigger one, maybe two times.”

Featured image: ITV News on YouTube

Tory voters embarrassed at how much worse CBI speech would have been under Corbyn

Supporters of corporate meat puppet factory the Conservative Party have expressed embarrassment at the Prime Minister’s speech at the Confederation of British Industry. Specifically, the right-leaning portion of the electorate have admitted dismay at just how much worse it would have gone under Corbyn.

“It is a source of humiliation that Boris Johnson paused for twenty seconds, but we all know Corbyn would have done it for thirty,” one Tory voter told The Lampoon.

Another Conservative supporter agreed to speak to our reporter over WhatsApp.

“At least Boris made a reference to the Peppa Pig theme park. Corbyn would have had to talk about a vegan alternative,” he said, before adding no less than six cry-laughing emojis.

“That’s Corbyn’s issue: no self-awareness.”

The speechwriter who came up with the idea of Boris Johnson praising the Peppa Pig theme park has been offered a job writing for hack open mic comedians everywhere.

Featured image: Evening Standard on YouTube

Confused Johnson announces all poppies after Brexit will be blue

Boris Johnson has today told the House of Commons, the world’s highest maintenance nursing home, that all poppies will be blue after Brexit.

The announcement inspired the ire of Labour leader and your mum’s boring older boyfriend, Keir Starmer.

“I’m incredibly saddened by this policy. I’m told by my spin doctor that ‘sad’ is an emotion, sort of like stubbing your toe but stubbing your brain,” Starmer told reporters.

“Rest assured, your Leader of the Opposition won’t stand idly by. He will stand competently by, and say a lot of cross soundbites.”

“We are the party for peace,” Johnson insisted, “except in regions where it is profitable to be for war.”

“Labour went gallivanting into the Middle East based on half-truths, but not us. We do our lying at home, like patriots.”

“This is the perfect way to pay our respects to British veterans of wars that Britain started.”

Featured image: Financial Times

Downing Street rejects Cummings’ Shakespeare bio claims on grounds that PM “isn’t a goddamn nerd”

A statement from Downing Street this morning categorically rejected the accusation from Dominic Cummings that Boris Johnson no-showed five COBRA meetings to instead work on a biography of playwright and plague aficionado, William Shakespeare, claiming that the Prime Minister “isn’t some fucking geek that sits around reading plays or writing artsy-fartsy books.”

The spokesperson went on to state that the only reason that the Prime Minister would miss a Cabinet Office Briefing Room A meeting, intended to protect the public from the COVID-19 pandemic, “would be to do something totally boss, like street racing, hanging around a shopping centre, or getting into this one bar where the bouncers know him and straight-up just let him in, even though he’s got no ID.”

This incident signals a further change in approach when it comes to the former “SPAD”. Previous Downing Street policy was to rewrite reality itself to better fit the words of the eugenics advocate and John Christie cosplayer, witnessed during Cummings’ statement to the press regarding the restorative powers of Barnard Castle.

Fractures in the relationship between Cummings and Johnson have since emerged, with the former advisor claiming that Boris Johnson planned to let the coronavirus “ravage the nation with such a lack of restraint and mercy that the Conservatives would probably run it as a candidate”.

But these new allegations have been met with vehement denial from Downing Street. While the Prime Minister’s detractors may claim that this fierce response indicates the truthfulness of Cummings’ account, sources in the Conservative Party continue to deny that there is any authenticity to the claims.

“As far as Dominic Cummings is concerned,” the spokesperson concluded, “if the Prime Minister did indeed neglect to attend a COBRA meeting, it was to keep his schedule clear in order to accommodate the serious and politically sensitive business of shagging Cumming’s mum.”

Widow of man strangled by Boris Johnson “can’t imagine how Corbyn would have treated him”

The wife of a civil servant throttled to death by Boris Johnson has told The Toon Lampoon that she thanks God each and every day that her late husband never suffered the misfortune of coming into contact with Jeremy Corbyn.

“It’s been unimaginable,” Karen Smike, 47, told our reporter. “It’s hard to put into words how it feels to know that someone I loved and cared for is no longer here: to know that he died desperately trying to take one more breath of oxygen, but that he couldn’t, thanks to Boris Johnson.”

Smike continued on to say that, though the action of strangling or the inaction of not stopping strangling committed by the Prime Minister had caused her levels of trauma and heartbreak that she had not formerly believed possible, that it was clear to her that her husband had been saved from the undoubtedly worse fate reserved for him had he been forced to work alongside Jeremy Corbyn.

“Even as I replay his last futile gasps for air through my head, day after day, for hours on end, I know that Corbyn would have increased his suffering a hundredfold. Whether that would have been by strangling him for a lot longer, or by strangling him and also his brother, or by not allowing him to go to the pub while also strangling him, I know in my heart that it would have been worse.”

Smike claims that, despite accepting that Boris Johnson is responsible for the loss of her late husband, this will not stop her voting Conservative in the next general election, on the basis that she believes that the leader of any other political party would have strangled her husband to an equal or greater degree than the Prime Minister had the nation granted them that opportunity.

A spokesperson from the Conservative Party has issued a statement saying that, ideally, we would live in a world where Boris Johnson would not be permitted to strangle anyone, but “sadly, we are forced by our current circumstances to accept a certain amount of strangling, and we can only hope that we are able to keep this at a manageable level and ensure that the right companies and individuals receive the funding they need to reach this target.”

Prime Minister “planned to awaken the Old Ones and turn the nation over to the darkness”, claims Cummings ally

Following the revelation of Boris Johnson’s alleged disregard for the victims of COVID-19, as reported by The Daily Mail, sources close to former SPAD Dominic Cummings have claimed that the Prime Minister had planned to “call upon the forgotten and unspeakable Gods that dwell beneath the depths to rise once again and ravage the country.”

“It might sound unbelievable and, if I’m honest, pretty convenient in terms of kicking the gaffe-ridden bastard out to make room for Michael Gove, but I swear that this actually happened,” the anonymous source told The Toon Lampoon.

“He had this book with a kind of dark power emanating from it, and he kept motioning towards it and saying that he knew just how to sort everything out. He got an aide to try to read it, but her eyes just turned completely black and she more or less phased through the fabric of our reality, leaving behind nothing except the disquieting notion that all would eventually do the same, if anything can truly be called real. It was bananas.”

Cabinet Ministers have, in what has become a familiar sight over the past several weeks, closed ranks around the Prime Minister, stating their belief that this latest attack on Boris Johnson is nothing more than an attempted smear and character assassination of the Tory premier.

“The Prime Minister has my full support, whatever it is that he’s been accused of,” Liz Truss told our reporter. “I’m sure that all of this is a massive misunderstanding, and that these claims – whatever their nature – are completely laughable. This is just like that other story about him that I, of course, completely disbelieve, whatever the specific details.”

This latest rumour of the Conservative Party’s proximity to an almost-realised Lovecraftian nightmare is alleged to be unrelated to a similar incident involving Chris Grayling that took place six months ago, which The Toon Lampoon is given to understand resulted primarily from incompetence.