Today, Lampoon Fight Night correspondent Samy L. Clauwers sits down with Humphry Indigo, the Newcastle University student who has challenged the Islamic State to a boxing match.
Why did you feel compelled to challenge the Islamic State to Fight Night? Well, I am truly sick of them giving it the big one. They need to be brought down a peg or two, and I think I’m the one to do it.
Have you ever boxed before? Certainly not professionally. When I was younger, I mostly played cricket, squash, and polo. Boxing was never really an option for me until I came to the North East. However, since arriving in this marvellous city, I’ve had many a chance to ‘scrap’, as the locals say, with fellow North Face puffer enthusiasts on nights out.
How confident are you in winning this fight? It doesn’t matter who they send, they’re not walking away with the win. I understand they must have some technical fighters in there but I’m confident in my ability. The boys in Harrow used to say that I didn’t mind getting my hands dirty.
Do you have anything you want to say to your competitor, whoever he may be? I’m just hoping for a good clean fight. What happens in the ring stays in the ring, you know what I mean?
The Islamic Sate
“The Arrow from Harrow”
Virginia Water, Surrey
The Lampoon has reached out to the Islamic State for comment, though they are yet to respond.
Sources have revealed that competitors in the well-known Newcastle boxing event will be forced to battle with swords because of the government’s social distancing guidelines.
A representative from the Students’ Union said that due to health and safety concerns, the bladed weapons will have to be at least four feet long. This is to “limit the transmission of the coronavirus from splatters of blood.”
He added that while a date had not been set for the event, ticket sales for the event are now open. It’s being billed as “24 fights, 12 matches, one ring and a dozen funerals! What a bargain!”
Jock Knapp, Lampoon sports correspondent, said: “You’ve always wanted blood, cheap trebs, but mainly blood, and now you’re in luck! Come on down to Venue and see a whole bunch of your fellow students literally get chopped to death, all in the name of entertainment!”
But, without further ado, let’s meet the fighters!
Lance “Daddy calls me Lancelot” Percy
Uni: Newcastle Course: Agriculture Weight: 12 st 6 lb Height: 7′ 6″ Penis: “A bit of a let down”
Lance said to The Toon Lampoon “Well, yah, I first got to know my way around a weapon when I was in Stonyhurst College” and added that “Oh, wouldn’t it ever so nice to mame some commoners instead of a fox for a change?”
Phil said to The Toon Lampoon “I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in HTML-based medieval combat” and he added that “I’ll jujutsu the shih tzu out of anyone who tries to come at me.”
Chad “I’m gonna K.O. the ‘rona” Chadwick
Uni: Newcastle Course: Photography Weight: 10 st Height: 6′ 2″ Penis: “A cock so good it could be a stock image”
Chad said to The Toon Lampoon “these lot’ll be in a shock when they realise they’ve brought a sword to a gun fight. These two guns right here’ll finish ’em off.” He added that “I don’t believe in no weaponry, but I do believe in a good mask.”
Górdóné “I’ll make ’em into a sauté” Râmsy
Uni: École Polytechnique Course: Culinary Arts Management Weight: 82.5538 kg (he’s French) Height: 177.8 cm (he’s French) Penis: “Best served oiled till tender with a pinch of sildenafil”
Górdóné said to The Toon Lampoon “I’ll chop my oponent up so fien they’ll give me both a Michelin star and a belt” and he added that “my 1.2192 m (he’s French) knife can take a good beating.”
For all those who’re still reading this far down in the article, I’ll once again say you should get tickets as this Fight Night is the first time in years it will not be broadcast live by NUTV. This is because their incoming Station Manger, who The Toon Lampoon regards as a “right dickhead” want’s to abstain for the slaughter on moral grounds. What a wuss.