Castle Leazes “looks even more like a prison” after barbed wire and searchlights installed

Newcastle University plans to put barbed wire and searchlights around the student accommodation block in an effort to maintain social distancing. A University representative said it will “protect all of us from the dangers of Leazes students.”

The University is taking notes from a Cornish pub which recently installed an electric fence around its bar to protect staff against their thirsty punters. However, they decided against using a similar device in Leazes after a trial run, when a greatly confused rah tried to plug an electric kettle into it and was “blown half-way into Heaton.”

Plans to ban students from having “a sleepover” on another floor were dropped after being deemed “impractical” after research showed “it would be nigh on impossible to tame the raw sexual energy of Newcastle students, even in the light of COVID-19.” A University representative added “we still can’t have all these inmates, sorry, students, just running around the Toon. We can’t let them spread the ‘rona like they spread chlamydia.”

Other measures include 30ft high watchtowers manned by weather-beaten guards, who claim to have already seen it all (and we mean it all) from a similar one recently found in the Herschel Building. Guard dogs will also be deployed, and an eye testing station “fit for a castle” will also be installed. However, a plan to install landmines in Leazes Park was dropped due to safety concerns, not for the students, but for the cows.

When our reporter approached a Castle Leazes student to ask about their imminent incarceration, all they said was “It won’t affect me, that’s what daddy’s lawyers are for. When was the last time you heard of a rich kid going to prison?”

Eat@Newcastle Updates Policy to Rule In Dubious US Meat

Eat@Newcastle, the company that operates Newcastle’s favourite culinary travesties, such as Chicken Shack opposite Luther’s and the Castle Leazes dining facilities, has made a controversial promise to utilise 100% American meat in the event of a trade deal without food standards protections.

Eat@Newcastle CEO, Veronica Egan, said “Despite our pride in the quality of our products and our concern for the health of our customers, we realise that students ultimately care about getting the cheapest deal possible. As such, utilising imported meat will greatly drive down our costs, the savings generated by which will definitely be passed on to students.”

Egan added, “Where we will see the most benefit is the Castle Leazes project. For years, we have tried to provide the bare minimum to people who are unable to cook for themselves, whilst charging an extortionate amount for meals. The reduction in ingredient costs will allow us to fund further research into separating money from the residents of Castle Leazes, or rather separating money from the residents’ parents.”

Consumer group Which? has claimed that poor US farming practices contribute to high incidence of food-borne illness among Americans. In any case, it would be best to see silver linings where possible; you might not have to exercise to avoid gaining weight when diarrhea and vomiting will have those kilos just melting off you.