Top seven DEADLIEST sins of ALL TIME

Sponsored By The Catholic Church

OK, so we’ve all done the occasional sin here or there – eating meat on a Friday, skipping mass from time to time. But have you ever wondered what the literal seven DEADLIEST sins EVER are? Fear not, the Catholic Church has got you covered…

7. Pride

“W T actual F??? What’s wrong with being proud????” we hear you say. Well think again, girl, because that’s the kind of talk which will end you up spending eternity in the absence of God’s love in the flames of hell which burn but provide no warmth or light.

Looks like someone posted too many mirror selfies
Detail from The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch Source: Wikipedia

6. Sloth

Ughhhhhhh. We all LOVE a lie-in. After a night of mimosas with the girls, there’s nothing like waking up, telling your alarm clock to STFU and going straight back to sleep. But DID YOU KNOW this can lead to eternal damnation? Seriously. Look it up.

5. Greed

Now this sin is literally such a buzzkill. And surely you can never have too many pairs of shoes in your wardrobe, am I right??? Try telling that to Dante Alighieri:

Here, more than elsewhere, I saw multitudes
to every side of me; their howls were loud
while, wheeling weights, they used their chests to push.

They struck against each other; at that point,
each turned around and, wheeling back those weights,
cried out: “Why do you hoard?” “Why do you squander?”

Preach hon!!!

Avarice is honestly cheugy AF.

4. Wrath

We know you were 100% fuming when Rachel got off the plane (BTW babe you are SO too good for that piece of sh*t), but you’re gonna be getting off a very different plane in a little spot called Self-exclusion from Communion with God if you don’t get to confession ASAP!


3. Lust

Sit down, have a drink of water. We’ve got some bad news. 

Lust is 3rd deadliest sin of ALL TIME.


Yup, that Netflix and chill session you’ve got planned might not be such a great idea, because unless it’s solely for the purpose of procreation (Ugh, GROSS, we know), you’re going to hell. Remember what that purple devil emoji you just sent looks like because you’re gonna be seeing a LOT more of that guy.


2. Envy

We see you commenting “omg totally stunning babe x” on your BFF’s pics when you’re secretly well jel. 

And you know who else sees it? The Lord. And he’s damning you to the flames for all eternity. Harsh much.

1. Gluttony

He may be lovable, but this Elf is a sinner!

Someone should try telling this to Ben and Jerry’s because once I literally demolished a whole tub of Cookie Dough in, like, 2 days. But I went to confession after it, and so should you, if you want to avoid the fiery pits of damnation.

One too many trips to Five Guys? Confess.

A bit TOO flexitarian? Confess.

Given up on *another* diet? Confess.

Gluttony is the number 1 deadliest sin and if you don’t repent you’re gonna rot in hell forever. 

Oops, we said it.

The Last Judgement, Hell by Fra Angelico
Source: Wikipedia

Pope Francis Proposes Crystal Maze Contest for Location of Other Mass Child Graves

Speaking from the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis today offered to reveal the location of other sites of child interment, provided that the families of the deceased win a standard game of The Crystal Maze.

‘I have communed with the Almighty for many weeks on this decision,’ the head of the Catholic Church told journalists today, ‘and I now know in my heart that a special edition of the 1990s British television classic, The Crystal Maze, is the most virtuous path to finally resolving this issue.’

The Catholic Church has faced criticism over its treatment of children following incidents such as the discovery of the skeletons of two-year-olds at Bon Secours Mother and Baby Home and the allegations of abuse and murder at St Joseph’s Orphanage in Burlington, Vermont. A spokesperson for the Independent Inquiry into Catholic Child Offences stated in response to Pope Francis’ announcement, ‘This is an opportunity to find out how out exactly how many tragic deaths the Catholic Church is responsible for. We’re not willing to speculate on the figure, though I would confidently put a fiver on it being a literal tonne.’

Pope Francis did, however, stipulate that the episode upon which the final resting places of hundreds of children would be wagered must be hosted by Richard O’Brien rather than Richard Ayoade. ‘He’s only 78, and he’s still working,’ the Holy Father stated. ‘And, let’s face it, if the mass graves are going to be up for grabs, it’s going to be done using the classic format. None of that ten-seconds-mega-time-crystal shit.’

While a surprising move from an organisation as historically intractable as the Catholic Church, the arrangement does have precedence. In 1994, the Church of England ruled that the introduction of women vicars would be determined by six rounds of Scrabble, while Harvey Weinstein was found guilty of rape in the third degree earlier this year after losing to Rose McGowan in a special edition of Get Your Own Back.