Opinion: fuck it, you’ve done enough to stop climate change

What’s that? Just going to sit back and put your feet up for a little while? Sure. That’s fine.

I mean, look at all you’ve done to stop the nigh-inevitable destruction of the human race due to man-made climate change.

Look at that recycling bin. Go on, look at it. You did that. That’s your contribution.

Oh, sure, the council gave you the bin, and they’re the ones that empty it, but it doesn’t work without you. You’re the one who drags it out to the curb every other week, apart from when you forget. You even put recyclable stuff in there, when you can be bothered.

Yeah. No-one can take that away from you.

Is that a burger? Man, absolutely. Treat yourself. You’ve earned it. Think of all the meat-free Mondays that you’ve taken part in. You ate a middling vegetarian chilli for dinner this week. And maybe you had a chicken salad sandwich for lunch but, as you so eloquently argued, that meat was already bought and paid for.

I mean, what were you going to do? Just throw it away? You don’t have a compost bin, and God knows the damage that binning that chicken salad club would have done to the environment. This way, you get some use out of it, and it gets recycled naturally.

Apart from the packaging, but you’re right: it was raining outside last night, and you’d have got soaked if you’d leaned out of the kitchen door to throw it in the bin.

On an unrelated note, I see that wall of photographs of BP higher-ups is still pretty free from red crosses and newspaper cuttings.

Oh, I’m sure it’s difficult to get into position. After all, the scope on that rifle only offers you 18X magnification. You’d have to be in the same city to get the job done: it’s a lot of risk.

And you’re right: they do have families. Imagine the oily tears running down their children’s faces when they saw Daddy’s head explode into a red mist on the news. You couldn’t live with yourself if you did that.

No: someone else will get around to it. They’re killing the planet, after all, drip by black drip. Surely someone is going to do the decent thing.

No, you sit back and rest. It’s nice and warm in here, after all. Getting warmer, too.

You’ve done enough.

Featured image: Pxfuel

“Shit, man, what would you have said?” asks BP representative

Following a Federal District Court case in which the world’s five largest oil companies admitted to having a noteworthy role in climate change, a spokesperson for BP asked reporters, “just what the fuck you’d have said in our position.”

Addressing a press gathering, Communications Officer Tom Wilcox stated, “Look, we got the findings back in the eighties. And sure, it was some real scary shit: rising sea levels, regular forest fires, climate refugees. Well, you know what else is scary? Letting billions of tonnes of oil just sit in the ground after spending all that money on technology built specifically to get it out.”

When asked what measures BP now planned to take to reverse climate change, Wilcox said, “Let me be clear, here: no-one regrets the absolute raw pounding that Mother Earth has taken more than BP. But let’s be real here: we made our deal with the devil and the price was the future of the whole human race and your grandchildren’s lives. After all, we can’t have it said that BP broke a contract; what would the world think of us then?”

Wilcox concluded by refuting the widely-held belief that there needs to be sterner consequences for companies that contribute to climate change. “I’m sure that the sight of oil executives’ bodies twisting in the wind, suspended by hempen rope, would make everyone feel a lot better, but that’s not going to get you out of this giant apocalypse-shaped hole that we’ve put you in. If you ask my advice, the world has more important things to focus on than playing the blame game.”

Shell executives blame worsening climate change on “public’s inhuman lust for oil”

The oil company Shell today released a statement laying the blame for the increasingly severe effects of climate change at the feet of what they described as “our loyal and valued customer base”.

The memo, received by The Toon Lampoon this morning, stated the belief that climate change would “not be nearly so advanced” had human society “had the moral strength and fortitude to wean itself from Mother Earth’s oil-dripping teat”.

“It is astonishing,” the memo went on to say, “that the planet has been content to let its desire, nay, its monstrous appetite for oil force us to mine and drill the very planet that we call home for its slick, black sustenance. For decades now, we have been forced to stand by, hands figuratively tied, as the human race has pressed its filthy, bloodstained money onto us in return for our unquestioning collaboration in its mission to poison the very air we breathe.”

Shell was one of several major oil companies to admit the role that it had played in the current climate crisis, though the organisation insists that full responsibility rests upon the shoulders of its consumers.

“It’s supply and demand, nothing more,” the memo concluded. “In one powerful, overwhelming roar, the people of the world have demanded oil. And we, we unhappy few, have been fated by either birth, or position, or CV application, to supply our fellow man with the devil’s own black, poisonous piss. We condemn the climate crisis and we condemn those who have caused it: ordinary human beings like yourselves.”