Boris Johnson told to await visits from 147,857 spirits

Sources indicate that Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been warned to await a visit from 147,857 spirits on the night before Christmas.

“We are to understand that the Prime Minister received advance warning of these visitations from the ghost of Margaret Thatcher, who appeared in Boris Johnson’s redecorated residence to deliver a warning,” a civil service source told The Lampoon.

“Unfortunately, the old girl was pretty fucking ravaged by dementia, so the message got a bit lost in translation. She kept calling the Prime Minister ’Denis’, cried a bit when she didn’t recognise her former home: it was a shocking display all round.”

Thankfully, the Ghost of Privatisation Past managed to relay the important message to the Prime Minister: that he should expect to be visited by the 147,857 spirits of those his Government allowed to perish of Covid.

“Of course, the Prime Minister was very firm on the fact that this would not be a party,” our source was keen to state. “No: this is more of an opportunity for a bleary-eyed and barely-present Boris Johnson to be told quite how badly he’s fucked up by grey and insubstantial critics.”

“Thankfully, Mr Johnson’s ample experience of Prime Minister’s Questions has made him well-equipped for the ordeal.”

Early reports indicate that the Prime Minister means to deliver a statement prior to the visitation, urging the 147,857 spirits to visit the former Labour government instead.

Featured image: Number Ten on Flickr

Boris Johnson’s appearance on Would I Lie To You branded a catastrophe

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s recent attempt to boost his flagging approval ratings by appearing on popular panel show Would I Lie To You? has been lambasted as “a catastrophe” by his own MPs. The issue lay in the fact that the Prime Minister seemed to fail to grasp the concept of the game.

The broadcast started well enough, with Johnson engaged in light banter with his teammates, comedian Lee Mack and celebrity chef Delia Smith. However, things went downhill for the embattled PM after being given the statement “I never hosted a Christmas party whilst the rest of London was in lockdown”.

Seemingly unable to grasp the premise of the game, the PM initially claimed that he had never even read the card, before accusing the other team of “playing politics“ when they attempted to question Johnson about the statement. In a startling turn of events, the Prime Minister then apologised unreservedly about jokes made by his teammate Lee Mack earlier in the program, despite remaining adamant that no jokes ever took place. Lee Mack was later seen in tears resigning from the show.

“Frankly I think it was a preposterous idea to even begin with,” opposition team captain David Mitchell told The Lampoon. “He’s the prime minister during a global pandemic, why is he appearing on a panel shows? This seems like the sort of ludicrous thing only invented in the minds of bored satirists, not real life.”

Featured Image: Ali Plumb on Twitter and Number 10 on Flickr, edited by Joe Molander (in a drug-induced haze)

Tory aides caught having first ever party

A leaked photograph shows a cabal of Conservative aides and bigwigs having their first ever party.

In attendance was Shaun Bailey – beloved by uncles everywhere trying to show their nieces that they’re not racist –  and party donor Nick Candy (grey blazer, above). Aside from his deep pockets, Candy is best known for having the name of a male porn star and dressing like a forex trader.

One of the Tory aides present at the party agreed to speak to The Lampoon, through the mist of his cologne.

“We’re gutted that we got caught on our first ever party. We didn’t even get to play spin the bottle, of cognac, or seven minutes in heaven, where you get a in a cupboard with a Tory donor and have seven minutes to award them as many public sector contracts as you can.”

The Lampoon is proud to report that none of its staffers ever attended a party after COVID-19 rules forbade it, or before.

Featured Image: Armando Iannucci on Twitter

2021 Conservative Christmas party to be held at your mum’s house, you whiny fuck

Following the widespread public outrage over the developing story of the Government’s string of Christmas parties, the Johnson administration has announced that they intend to hold their 2021 Christmas events at your mum’s house, if you’re so keen to have a fucking party.

Earlier today, Boris Johnson revealed that the Cabinet, a number of Conservative MPs, and any aides that look like they won’t go running to the press will arrive at your mum’s house during the run-up to Christmas and make merry.

“We have heard the outrage and hullabaloo regarding both last year’s lockdown and the number of events that may or may not have taken place,” the Prime Minister stated. “In order to address both of these issues, we have determined that the best course of action is to rock up at your mum’s place and slam our faces into cocaine until Liz Truss starts to look worth the effort.”

While the Government has claimed not to have a schedule of events in mind for this function, Downing Street insiders have stated off the record that plans exist for traditional Tory Party games of Burning Money in Front of a Homeless Person, Covid Contract Bingo, and Stick the Knife in the Prime Minister.

Plans for a professional photographer to be in attendance remain unconfirmed.

Featured image: Flickr

New Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries proudly shows off new Petri dish

Nadine Dorries told journalists this evening that she was “extremely excited” to get to work as the new Culture Secretary, showing the press pack her new Petri dish, microscope, and lab coat.

Dorries confirmed that she wouldn’t be bringing goggles or gloves with her, on the basis that that was the sort of lefty health and safety nonsense that this country could do without.

In addition to Nadine Dorries’ new position, Liz Truss has also moved into the role of Foreign Secretary, in what has been heralded as the latest move in the Government’s war on satire, as well as proof of their commitment to diversity when it comes to women and people living with pronounced mental illness.

“As Culture Secretary, I’m going to do everything I can to foster microorganism growth in conditions best suited to it,” Dorries added. “That is my responsibility, and that’s what I plan to do.”

Dorries’ commitment to fostering the growth of tissue has been well-documented, as she introduced several unsuccessful Private Member’s Bills to reduce the time limit for abortions in the UK.

A spokesperson for Downing Street claimed that the Prime Minister had “complete faith” in Dorries as she moved to start her new position.

“Nadine has consistently demonstrated outstanding judgement,” the spokesperson told The Toon Lampoon. “From appearing on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here to employing her daughters and sister for up to £45,000 a year, she has been beyond reproach.”

“We look forward to her excellent leadership when it comes to bringing about a new Golden Age of British culture, featuring Sid James, Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, and her own shit novels.”

Featured image: Wikimedia

BREAKING NEWS: Hancock did not knowingly cheat on wife

Matt Hancock has today defended his actions in being caught groping his married aide Gina Coladangelo, saying it was ‘necessary to defend the NHS against a PPE shortage’. The Cabinet Minister went on quickly to say that he was ‘just helping Mrs Coladangelo apply PPE’ as she was about to meet Michael Gove (The Lampoon understands PPE is necessary to engage with Mr Gove as he has an incredibly contagious illness known as ‘StupidDickheadinitis’).

The Toon Lampoon pressed Mr Hancock’s office for clarification on how engaging in an affair with a married senior aide is assisting the NHS, but his office refused to comment. An anonymous Conservative source went on to say that Mr Hancock acted patriotically in kissing Mrs Coladangelo because she ‘has a foreign surname’ and that Mrs Coladangelo had access to supplies of PPE, details of which she would not provide ‘without a kiss from that clammy, weak handshake of a man’. What we would like to know is if Mrs Coladangelo was the only provider Mr Hancock had access to, or whether she was the only one he personally was friends with.

Nonetheless, as details of the affair emerge it would appear Boris Johnson is seeking to promote Mr Hancock to congratulate him for appealing to the core Tory voter (ie middle aged, balding, woefully under-qualified and affair-having). If history is anything to go by, it is likely that the Conservative party will actually gain a larger lead over the political mist that is Keir Starmer.

At the Lampoon we believe attractiveness is subjective, and that love is love. The only exception is loving the grossly negligent wanker whose first name begins with ‘M’ and last name ends with ‘Cock’.

Conservative Party to fund seminars on how to rationalise voting for Michael Gove

In the wake of Boris Johnson’s most recent scandal, the Tory Party will reportedly pay a London-based training company an undisclosed amount to help party members explain their vote for Michael Gove to non-Conservative voters.

“We’re very keen to take on this challenge,” a spokesperson from the training organisation Indie Fensible told our reporter. “We understand the difficulty in having to suddenly and vehemently defend to the death what, mere moments earlier, you would have emptied both barrels of a shotgun into. That being said, Michael Gove is certainly unlike anything we have faced before.”

The news of these seminars has been greeted with considerable positivity by Conservative Party members.

“I’m immensely grateful,” Mr Humphrey Wokingham told The Lampoon. “I back the Conservative Party to the hilt, of course, but one finds it so embarrassing when one is presented with the facts as seen from a certain point of view and, often in the gauchest of terms, asked to explain why they continue to support the Prime Minister.”

Mrs Emilia Thornton told our reporter, “I was brought up by Nanny to always vote Conservative, and I fully intend to, but there’s just something so horrid about that Gove man. I’m very much looking forward to being told about why it’s all going to be all right. I expect it’ll be rather jolly: just like school.”

The Toon Lampoon’s polling at this time suggests that 40% of Conservative Party members would happily attend the proposed seminars, with a further 45% stating that they’d not normally sit in an uncomfortable chair and be lectured by some long-haired, pot-loving university graduate, but anything to shut up the bastard kids whenever that glasses-wearing tit takes a shit on the democratic carpet.

A final 15% of those polled told our journalist to go back to where she came from. As the journalist in question was born in Sunderland, we at The Lampoon would like to assure our readers that we condemn this sentiment in the strongest possible terms.

Sunak supporters brand Chancellor “first fun-sized PM”

Supporters of Rishi Sunak have today embarked on a new strategy to position the Chancellor of the Exchequer as the obvious successor to current Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Supporters have claimed that the MP for Richmond would be “the first travel-sized Prime Minister”.

Many news outlets and the BBC have so far attempted to disguise Sunak’s 5’6” frame with carefully angled photography. The Chancellor’s cabal, however, have begun touting the advantages of having a first among equals who would be the last to know when it was raining.

“The word we would like to associate with Mr Sunak is ‘compact’,” Conservative MP E. Tonian told The Lampoon. “There are, after all, a number of benefits of having such a Lilliputian head of state.”

“Reduced price on airline tickets whenever there are conferences abroad, greater opportunities for storage and, of course, the cuteness factor. I mean, how could anyone vote against that tiny man?”

“Look at him there, in his little suit. You don’t want to make the Prime Minister cry, do you? Imagine how awful you’d feel if you made the tiny Prime Minister cry. Vote Conservative.”

However, not everyone in the Conservative Party has been fully persuaded of the appeal of a Tory Prime Mini-ster. Henry Coningsby, MP for Millbank, stated “I’m well aware of the admirable achievements of famous short men: Danny DeVito, Cayetano Santos Godino, Wolverine.”

“But I cannot in good faith put my support behind a Prime Minister whose official photograph would be mistaken by millions as a child’s first day at big school. More seriously, I’m also troubled by the idea that Sunak would not be able to join other world leaders on a rollercoaster ride.”

According to his supporters, Sunak intends to start his bid for leadership as soon as Boris Johnson is next found to have committed an action unworthy of a Prime Minister.

“It’s a waiting game,” one anonymous source told The Lampoon. “It could be in five minutes. It could be in ten minutes. But, whenever it happens, we’ll be ready to make sure that the Chancellor hasn’t had too many sweets and fizzy pop.”

Featured Image: Pixabay

“Have you tried not being offended?” Boris asks victims of systematic racism

Boris Johnson has today lashed out at BAME people upset at the results of the report intended to look at racism in the UK. The report, completed by the Commission on Race and Ethnic Disparities, began after the Black Lives Matter protests and vigils swept across the country last summer.

Johnson chose his One Black Friend, Tony Sewell, to head the report which was commissioned after (to quote Johnson) “that…umm…pesky yes well Black Lives Matter thing started up and…hm…there isn’t even a…hm…Black George Floyd in…er…this country, I had…erm…Priti Patel check for…erm…that name in the…um…directory…erm…of prisoners. I don’t know, well, what all this…erm…fuss is about.”

Johnson is denying reports that he arranged for Sewell and his colleagues to note that he has “three Asians in Cabinet as well as one white who could probably pass for Asian.” Johnson is believed to have gone on to say that racism is “rubbish” and that he has “preferences” when it comes to race, this being “totally normal”. The Prime Minister continued by saying, “how about you stop being offended?” when questioned by Black people on the Commission’s findings.

Sources, including Sewell, have noted that Johnson is in fact “colour-blind in both eyes”, which makes it difficult to distinguish skin colour. He instead makes judgements based on a person’s wealth. Then, he “gets his colour chart out and places it on the skin of the other person”. If the person is white, he puts it back in his pocket. If the person is of ethnic minority heritage, Johnson disinfects it first prior to placing it back in his pocket.

We at The Lampoon have pointed out to the Conservative government that the Windrush Scandal was based on race, as is the chilling statistic that Black women are four times more likely to die in childbirth than their white counterparts. The only response we have received is that we are now unwelcome at press briefings. See if we care! They’re shit anyway.

“Stunning win for equality” as female aristocrats may now inherit peerages

In what has been hailed as a landmark moment for feminism and equality in the United Kingdom, Downing Street is reportedly drawing up plans to abolish the convention that only male heirs may inherit aristocratic titles: a practice that has existed for centuries.

Under this proposal, first-born daughters of wealthy, aristocratic families may now take on their father’s baronetcy or hereditary peerages, rather than the younger sons of the same wealthy, aristocratic families.

This incredible stride towards true equality for white, upper-class women will be helmed by a team of female aides in what one Tory peer described as “woke, intellectually bankrupt, progressive flimflam.”

The move will do much to win the Conservative Party support among feminist groups and women in general: areas in which the Party have historically failed to make major strides due to what has been termed the Tories’ “women problem” as well as any of the many recent headlines containing the phrase, “Tory MP accused of rape.”

A spokesperson for the National Alliance of Woman’s Organisations told The Toon Lampoon, “It’s moments like these that really make the job worthwhile. I think that if you told me even one year ago that aristocratic women might one day have almost the same amount of rights as aristocratic men, I’d have just laughed.”

“Honestly, I’ve had my doubts, but this Conservative Government has really been an ally to feminism. From Theresa May having all the political force of a coma patient, Priti Patel playing the race card whenever the mask slips and the unspeakable horror within peeks out, and now this incredible step forward for rich, white women’s rights: it’s just been one ‘yas queen’ moment after another.”

The Toon Lampoon has reached out to several potential female peers for comment but have so far been rebuffed for not being “their type of people.”