Keir Starmer “takes full responsibility” for search for elections scapegoat

In a revealing interview with The Toon Lampoon, Keir Starmer has pledged that he and he alone will shoulder the heavy burden of finding someone to blame for Labour’s disappointing performance in local elections.

“It’s obvious that something is wrong in our approach,” Starmer told our reporter. “The people of the country were shown what was on offer, and many of them used their democratic vote to categorically reject the most visible element of the Labour Party.”

“I promise that I will not rest until I find out what, or who, that element is.”

Labour supporters faced a grim Friday. The loss of Hartlepool’s parliamentary seat was compounded by Labour surrendering its majority in Durham County Council for the first time in a century.

Corbynite elements within the Party are proclaiming the affair to be just another example of the former Labour leader “winning the argument, you swish, Blairite bastard”.

Starmer was met with further derision following his response to Labour’s dismal performance, where he sacked party chair Angela Rayner, anyone “who looks a bit too Marxist”, and your dad. But, the leader of the Labour Party claimed, he planned to take full responsibility for blaming any other viable targets.

“Being a leader means stepping up and putting yourself in the firing line,” Starmer told The Lampoon. “And in the spirit, I plan to fire a whole line full of people until the electorate realise what an amazing leader I am and stop banging on about ‘opposition’.”

The Labour leader concluded the interview by blaming our reporter for the disappointing local election results. He then fired our reporter from his role as John McDonnell’s body double for scenes featuring graphic nudity.

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