BREAKING NEWS: Hancock did not knowingly cheat on wife

Matt Hancock has today defended his actions in being caught groping his married aide Gina Coladangelo, saying it was ‘necessary to defend the NHS against a PPE shortage’. The Cabinet Minister went on quickly to say that he was ‘just helping Mrs Coladangelo apply PPE’ as she was about to meet Michael Gove (The Lampoon understands PPE is necessary to engage with Mr Gove as he has an incredibly contagious illness known as ‘StupidDickheadinitis’).

The Toon Lampoon pressed Mr Hancock’s office for clarification on how engaging in an affair with a married senior aide is assisting the NHS, but his office refused to comment. An anonymous Conservative source went on to say that Mr Hancock acted patriotically in kissing Mrs Coladangelo because she ‘has a foreign surname’ and that Mrs Coladangelo had access to supplies of PPE, details of which she would not provide ‘without a kiss from that clammy, weak handshake of a man’. What we would like to know is if Mrs Coladangelo was the only provider Mr Hancock had access to, or whether she was the only one he personally was friends with.

Nonetheless, as details of the affair emerge it would appear Boris Johnson is seeking to promote Mr Hancock to congratulate him for appealing to the core Tory voter (ie middle aged, balding, woefully under-qualified and affair-having). If history is anything to go by, it is likely that the Conservative party will actually gain a larger lead over the political mist that is Keir Starmer.

At the Lampoon we believe attractiveness is subjective, and that love is love. The only exception is loving the grossly negligent wanker whose first name begins with ‘M’ and last name ends with ‘Cock’.

“We’ve had some more ideas,” Government tells schools

It has been revealed that the Government has issued new guidance for schools the Friday before they reopen.

The last-minute nature of the move has been widely criticised by teachers who are already bracing themselves to risk Covid-19 infection and deal with annoying children again.

A local Newcastle teacher gave The Lampoon his thoughts on the eleventh-hour delivery of this information on the condition of anonymity (but between you and us, his name is Frank Pendleton);

“Having spent the summer trying to find a way to arrange a classroom built with twenty students in mind so it allows thirty students to socially distance, I felt we were as prepared as we were going to be. I was ready to spend the weekend drinking beer and doing co…ffe, yes, definitely coffee. Now I have to work instead.”

Education Secretary Gavin Williamson explained the alleged delay in producing the latest guidance outside of his office as he searched his pockets in an ultimately fruitless attempt to find his key to the door.

“I find the outrage about this to be insincere and manufactured. After all, the Government has set a clear precedent of suddenly changing its position. In any event, this guidance was formulated well in advance of Friday. But we had a few glasses of champagne after we were done and the file fell down the side of my desk. We found it late Thursday night and- look, government work is hard, okay!?”

Williamson ended the interview at this point by gesturing wildly over The Lampoon reporter’s shoulder and screaming, “What’s that?” before escaping in the confusion.

Boris Johnson remembers that he has a country to run

Westminster sources have confirmed that Boris Johnson has been convinced to spend a bit of time doing that job he back-stabbed a lot of people to get.

The premier was spotted struggling out of a taxi outside Number 10 with a can of lager in one hand and a raw leg of mutton with bite marks in the other. An aide with dead eyes informed reporters that Mr Johnson would need some time to ‘gather himself’ before he would be available to answer questions. No further information was given about this nor about the crate of beer that was brought into Number 10 shortly after the Prime Minister’s return. When pressed by The Lampoon’s reporter, the aide would only mutter something about Mr Johnson needing to ‘taper off’.

After a few hours, a bleary-eyed Mr. Johnson came out of Number 10 in a dressing gown with ‘trickle-down economics’ written on the pocket. After crumpling what appeared to be some hastily written cue cards, Mr. Johnson explained the details of his early return from holiday.

“Well, with copid… conid… you know, the virus thingy, mostly killing poor people, Dominic said it would be best if I came back and added my signature competence to those Brexit negotiations that are going so well.“

Having given this statement, the Prime Minister let out a loud belch and staggered back inside.

Gazza arrived shortly afterward with a fishing rod and some cooked chicken, but was denied entry to Number 10.

Rail fares increase to “first-born child”

It was announced today that the price of rail fares, including off-peak long-distance returns, will now include the purchaser’s firstborn child.

Given the government’s eagerness for people to return to their places of work following the coronavirus lockdown, many have viewed the move as “strange”, “poorly thought out” and “a dystopian nightmare”. Ministers defended the move by saying “Don’t answer back, you commoners!”

A government insider, who agreed to meet The Lampoon‘s reporter on the conditions of anonymity and using the reporter as a footstool, laid out the government’s thinking.

“At this point, we’re just trying to find out what we can get away with. We spent 150 million pounds on the wrong type of masks, and we were able to distract people by pointing to families drowning in the channel and calling them the bad guys.”

Upon being asked what the government planned to do with the children received, the source took a sip from his chilled glass of Chianti before answering.

“The Secretary of State for Transport Grant Shapps is planning to start his own chocolate factory when he leaves politics. Naturally, this means he needs a lot of small people who can sing jolly songs in wildly unsafe working conditions.”

Dolphins sink Sky News boat off Dover – “How do you like it now?”

A pod of dolphins was spotted Wednesday afternoon ramming a sky news boat off Dover, sources say. The boat was one of many attempting to film migrants and refugees crossing the channel in small watercraft.

After twenty minutes of ramming, the vessel listed to one side and became inundated with water, causing the captain to abandon ship. The dolphins appeared gleeful and began shouting, “How do you like it now?” along with chants of, “Ee eee eeee”.

Upon seeing the journalists in the water, a small dinghy filled with refugees approached the scene and rescued the men from the water, with one man from Syria saying, “We are all human and should never hesitate to help others”.

Dolphins will usually help drowning swimmers, and will even ward off sharks.  Dolphin rescue group DRG criticised Priti Patel for her “underwhelming” and “dehumanising” approach to the refugee crisis, stating they have seen an 300% increase in refugee rescues since last year. Head of DRG Mr Bottlenose warned that if humans did not take action, more anti-media protests would likely take place.

The Lampoon reached out to Poseidon for comment but he declined our requests for an interview.