Trump acquittal stuns mindless optimist

The Senate’s acquittal of Former President Donald Trump was described as “an incredible shock” by Andrew Jameson, noted in his community for “possessing the infantile optimism of a concussed puppy”.

Jameson, who has already made headlines multiple times over the past four years for his incredulity over events such as Donald Trump siding with white supremacists, Donald Trump claiming that the 2020 election was stolen, and Donald Trump causing a riot and the storming of the US Capitol, told The Toon Lampoon that he was “absolutely stunned” by the fact that 43 Republicans had voted to acquit the former president of charges of inciting an insurrection that claimed the lives of five people.

“I can’t believe it,” Jameson stated. “I’ve seen a lot in the last few years that’s taken me by surprise: Republicans installing Brett Kavanaugh as a Supreme Court Justice, Republicans installing Amy Coney Barrett as a Supreme Court Justice, Republicans voting to acquit Trump the last time he was impeached, Republicans backing Donald Trump when he claimed that the election was rigged. But this: this really is a tremendous shock.”

Jameson reportedly now plans to take a keen interest in the 2022 House and Senate elections, where he is confident that former Republican voters will show their disapproval of the politicians they had formerly supported following this acquittal vote and help the Democratic Party make greater gains in both chambers.

Featured image: FEM News magazine

Former President Trump’s legal team opens with the defence that Democrats can go fuck themselves

In what has been described as a “stunning piece of legal elegance” by Senator Lindsey Graham and as “No, seriously: what?” by Democrat impeachment managers, the defence team for Former President Donald Trump tonight put forth their opening argument that Democrats can go fuck themselves.

Trump’s attorney, Michael van der Veen, began proceedings. After being presented with the Democrat impeachment managers’ arguments that Donald Trump’s rhetoric incited the riots of January 6th over the past two days, the defence attorney started his client’s defence by telling Democrats that they could go fuck themselves.

The other members of Donald Trump’s defence team, David Schoen and Bruce Castor, echoed Van der Veen’s sentiments. “Frankly,” Bruce Castor stated, during his presentation, “the real terrorists and insurrectionists are Antifa, and all Democrats can go fuck themselves.”

“I find it profoundly ridiculous that anyone could hold Trump, who has constantly said during his rallies that he wants peace, responsible for any unrest in this country,” Schoen would later state. “And I would request, in the most peaceful manner, that every Democrat go fuck themselves.”

During the opening of what has been described as a “surprisingly short” presentation at only three hours in length, Van der Veen’s opening monologue explicitly called for a peaceful reconciliation following the storming of the Capitol by Republican voters, with the Philadelphia-based lawyer claiming that this movement towards unity was of paramount importance: “second only to Democrats accepting that they need to go fuck themselves.”

Senator Ted Cruz spends second day of Trump Senate Trial watching incest pornography

On the second day of the Senate impeachment trial, Democrat impeachment managers laid out the timeline of the events of January 6th 2021, attempting to link Donald Trump’s rhetoric to the riot at the US Capitol Building.

One Senator who was not completely focused on following these events through, however, was the Republican Senator for Texas, Ted Cruz, who spent what his fellow Senators described as “a significant amount of the proceedings” watching hardcore incest pornography on his mobile phone.

“It took me a few moments to actually realise what was going on,” said Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA). “Ted was just sitting there, hunched over, with his eyes glued to his phone screen. I thought he might have received some serious news – perhaps the death of a loved one – but it was incest porn again: some real intense shit.”

This is far from the Texas Senator’s first entanglement with incest pornography. In 2017, on the anniversary of 9/11, Ted Cruz liked a video of alleged family members – to quote The Wall Street Joural – “mashing their genitals together with almost Presbyterian fury”.

“Part of me wants to be offended: morally outraged at the callous disregard of a truly traumatic event,” said Congressman Jamie Raskin, lead impeachment manager. “But I can’t deny that there’s another part that was struck by Senator Cruz’s intense concentration on the familial fuckfest. From the heavily dilated pupils to the droplets of sweat shivering on his fuzz-covered jowls, he was utterly fixated. It was magnetic.”

Coma patient from 2014 wakes up, thinks Obama is dead

Our US correspondent, when in hospital for injuries sustained after fighting a rabid squirrel, came across the story of a coma patient who had woken up only today. Instead of respecting doctor-patient privileges, they listened in to the whole exchange and decided to report for you, our dear readers.

The coma patient was supposedly woken up by the partying of nurses, still celebrating Biden’s ascension as President of the United States. The patient, mildly confused, asked what the fuss was all about. The patient then saw the cake which in this instance was not a lie: HAPPY JOE BIDEN INAUGURATION DAY!

“OH MY GOD IS OBAMA DEAD?!” the coma patient asked.

This confused the nurses, who had seen Obama alive on the TV mere moments ago.

“Why would Obama be dead?”

“It says Biden, the Vice President, is being inaugurated as President! But Obama is President! Unless he was impeached over that whole Benghazi or IRS or Fast and Furious gun scheme stuff, he must be dead if Biden is President!”

The coma patient’s mistake was soon cleared up as the nurses informed them it was now 2021, 7 years had passed since they fell into a coma and there was a brief (thank god it wasn’t any longer) interlude of Trump as President. The patient seemed amused at the prospect of the ex-host-of-the-apprentice-USA becoming President, which is pretty heartless considering Trump as President was not amusing whatsoever except when it came to his grammatic gaffes (our finest codebreakers are still trying to decode ‘covfefe’). The patient then remarked:

“So Obama basically has a third term as President through Biden right? Pretty smart that.”

Our reporter was unable to discover what happened next but rumour has it that one of the nurses bitch-slapped the coma patient so hard that they are back in their coma. The same nurse has since been recruited to work in the same sex shop we here at The Toon Lampoon work in as a trainee dominatrix. It truly is a new dawn for everyone.

Biden family finds White House “riddled” with Home Alone-esque booby traps

The Biden family encountered difficulties while moving into the White House following President Joe Biden’s inauguration on Wednesday. Eyewitnesses reported hearing “screams, whizzes, bangs and small explosions” coming from the residence only minutes after the President’s arrival.

An FBI investigation the following day revealed that hundreds of booby traps had been meticulously inserted throughout the White House by the Trump administration. Nail guns in flowerpots and pits beneath rugs were found in surplus.

“I walked in the door and hot glue sprayed in my eye,” President Biden told The Lampoon, “The place is absolutely riddled. I only just swerved out of the way of the swinging axes in the doorway of the Oval Office.”

President Biden was not the only victim of the traps. First Lady Dr. Jill Biden allegedly had her eyebrows scorched off by a flamethrower hidden inside the White House coffee machine.

“The booby traps were bad enough,” the First Lady added, “But the faecal matter smeared all across the walls? That was a step too far.”

“Needless to say it was a messy affair,” White House janitor Michael Mopinbuckett told our reporter on the scene. “Cleaning the walls took me all day. Then I found out that all thirty-five of the White House’s toilets had been clingfilmed. Fifteen of them were used before I was alerted.”

Reports from the FBI indicate that contraband was also discovered under the floorboards of the Oval Office. Allegedly, President Trump kept a stash of over 27 kilograms of fake tan.

FBI officials on the scene refused to comment beyond a single statement, declaring the stunt the “craziest shit [they’d] ever seen.”

“People think President Donald Trump’s appearance on Home Alone 2: Lost in New York was just a small gig!” Donald Trump lookalike and Twitter-user Ronald Tmurp stated the same day on the social media platform. “Wrong! I learned a trick or two from Macaulay Culkin. Sorry, I mean he learned.”

Americans wake up the morning after Biden’s inauguration to find the nation hasn’t miraculously healed overnight

Citizens across the United States have been horrified to wake up the day after President Joe Biden was inaugurated to find that their country looks, well, basically the same.

In his speech on Capitol Hill, Biden addressed the four crises currently facing the US: the COVID-19 pandemic, the resultant economic slump, the climate emergency and the country’s institutional racism. These were themes prevalent in his election campaigning, too

But, 20 hours into his presidency, Americans woke up the next morning to find the country very much the same, except someone new had taken over the @POTUS Twitter account.

“I thought the sun would be shining, the birds would be singing, and both COVID and racism would be gone,” Biden campaigner Hilarie Clinten told The Toon Lampoon. “But it’s still January, the birds have migrated south because of climate change, and COVID and racism are still destroying our nation. This wasn’t what we were promised.”

“Our toilet’s still broken, and the plumber says he doesn’t have an opening ’til next week. Plus, they’ve ran out of strawberry Pop-Tarts at my local Walmart. It’s a shambles.”

Clinten isn’t the only only disappointed by the new administration.

“It sucks,” disgraced former president Donald Trump, dressing gown-clad on his balcony in Mar-a-Lago, shouted to anyone who would listen. “Biden is just letting this country down. The people are so bigly disappointed.”

In his first 24 hours in office, Biden signed a slew of executive orders. The US will be rejoining the WHO, signing onto the Paris Accord, and overturning Trump’s travel ban on majority-Muslim countries. But, as we all know from our experience at The Toon Lampoon creating a charge.org petition to get us recognised as the official Newcastle University student paper, just signing your name doesn’t get you very far.

“We expected massive assault rifles shooting out COVID vaccines, football pitch-sized vacuums sucking all the pollution out of the air, and money falling from the sky,” Clinten explained. “There’s been none of that.”

Biden has also disappointed his new citizens with his underwhelming Twitter presence, too. No exclamation marks have appeared in his tweets so far, and capital letters have only been used where grammatically necessary.

Americans are waiting with bated breath to see whether the new president does bring real change beyond just a subdued social media presence.

Featured image: Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons

Congress excited to be doing first ever re-run

Members of Congress have excitably told The Lampoon that they are delighted to be going ahead with the US legislature’s first ever re-run. This follows confirmation that Trump has become the first president in US history to be impeached as many times as he has disappointing adult sons.

“I’m told by my grandson that re-runs don’t really happen anymore because of Nets-Flicks,” one Congressman explained. “So it’s a pleasure to be bringing it back for a modern generation.”

“It’s one of our many gifts for today’s youth, like the death of the planet, or income inequality. My grandson also said something about gun control, but I stopped listening.”

Mitch McConnell also briefly spoke to our reporter, until she was able to get the pepper spray out of her bag. He then oozed out of this dimension to return to his home world. The physically taxing nature of this method of travel is thought to be the reason why he looks like a demented snot bubble.

A Senator told The Lampoon “After the year we just had, we were running out of options for how to make things more surreal.” “What else were we gonna do? Stimulus cheques?”

Trump reportedly seen booby trapping the White House

In a shocking twist of election shenanigans, President Donald Trump has been spotted setting up a series of intricate and goofy traps modelled on those from the beloved 1990 cult classic Christmas film ‘Home Alone’. It is believed he is doing this in an attempt to keep Joe Biden and Kamala Harris from entering the property on the 20th of January, 2021.

A source close to the President has told the Toon Lampoon that the president has ‘laid down marbles at the doors, set up piles of feathers and glue next to oversized fans, and has even left cans of paint on stair cases to fall down when a trip wire is stepped on’. It is also said that the President has been heard pre-emptively saying ‘keep the change, ya filthy animal’ to anyone who enters a room he is in, and also stands guard at the rear door’s cat flap with an air rifle at night.

Donald Trump famously performed a cameo in the 1992 film ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’, and is known to be a fan of the franchise. The President has refused to comment on whether this was the motivation for his recent actions.

President Trump holds press conference next to Toon Lampoon offices

Staff of prestigious satire publication The Toon Lampoon were surprised earlier today by the realisation that President Donald Trump had elected to host a “big press conference” at Four Season’s Landscaping: the property next to their own offices.

“I mean, yeah, it was a huge surprise,” one correspondent told another. “We’d just assumed that there would be no major news today, so we’d knocked off early and more or less descended into a haze of opium and emotionless, unsatisfying sex.”

“I was sandwiched between our political correspondent and the Chief Editor,” another writer reported to his own reflection. “I remember Dr. Spain swaying by the window, a half-drunk bottle of wine clutched in his fist. And then he said – I remember the exact words – he said, ‘Shit fuck. I think that’s the goddamn President out there.'”

The Lampoon offices, which also offer a considerable collection of adult fiction, videos, and barely-used marital aids, have described their relationship with both Four Season’s Landscaping and the 45th president of the United States as “suboptimal”, having spent a large portion of 2020 producing almost-but-not-quite libellous news articles about one while decrying the domestic and foreign policies of the other.

“Honestly, the pair of them being together now feels like poetry,” Dr. Spain admitted to any Lampoon writer not currently face-down in a puddle of their own fluids. “It would have been an amazing opportunity to carry out an interview but, if I can say this off the record, it seemed so convenient that we all agreed that this was probably some undercover ploy to draw us out into a police sting.”

The Lampoon will continue to employ their sterling and unrivalled journalistic talents as America enters the Biden presidency, as soon as they’ve had a good nap and can move more than five steps without vomiting blood.

“STOP THE COUNT!”: Trump vocalises support for the enemies of Dracula

Donald Trump was thanked by the people of Transylvania on Thursday evening after publicly decrying Count Dracula in a Twitter tirade.

At 9.12 AM EST on Thursday, Trump controversially tweeted “STOP THE COUNT!” Whilst initially misconstrued as a comment on the 2020 presidential election, Trump’s tweet was in fact a scathing and long-awaited denouncement of the Count of Transylvania, Dracula.

Trump’s comment arrives after a tough week for the people of Transylvania, with a dozen vampire attacks transpiring in the last seven days. It came as no surprise to the public when Count Dracula himself was photographed participating in these attacks, with the blood-sucking supervillain having garnered a reputation for feeding off his people for the past six centuries.

“He used to be a great guy, one of the best guys,” Trump told our reporter when asked about his tweets. “But I need good press, so we will be supporting a coup of Transylvania in the next few days. Some people are saying it will be the best coup. This might delay the election for a few weeks. Let me tell you, this is the biggest issue we’ve had with bats all year.”

Count Dracula is yet to comment on the situation, but both sides are gearing up for possible conflict.