Violent protests erupt after Greggs not included in Eat Out To Help Out

Newcastle has been host to a swarm of disruptive and in part violent protests after it emerged that Geordie staple Greggs has not been included in the government’s Eat Out To Help Out scheme.

The brainchild of Conservative Chancellor Rishi Sunak, the scheme has seen many restaurants, cafes and pubs offer 50% discounts on food and non-alcoholic beverages on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays throughout August. The discount will be covered by the government in a move that is hoped to encourage spending and revive the hospitality industry.

However, many of those north of the River Trent have been shocked to discover that the offer does not include bakery chain Greggs. This means that their famous sausage rolls currently cost a bank-breaking £1 each, leaving many regulars reeling.

“It’s a disgrace,” fumed local pastry enthusiast Gregory Gregson. “My KFC Chicken Zingers are half price, as are my Big Whoppers, but I can’t even get 50p off my sausage roll. It’s just typical of this country really.”

Gregarious Gregory and his fellow discount bakery lovers even decided to stage a protest to express their outrage at the government’s decision.

“We call ourselves the Defenders of Greggs,” Gregory explained to The Lampoon. “We believe that everyone should have the right to eat whatever discounted meals they choose – and if the southerners are allowed their half-price Wagamama and Starbucks then we up north should be allowed our discounted Greggs.

“At a push I would even accept a compromise – maybe Cooplands or Milligans – but even their slightly sub-par sausage rolls aren’t included on the offer. It’s ridiculous.”

At the most recent Defenders of Greggs protest, Gregory and his friends surrounded the Civic Centre dressed as their favourite pork-based snack and threw supermarket knock-offs of Greggs’ famous classic at the local council building.

“It was a great day,” laughed Gregory. “The funny thing is that if they were the real deal Greggs sausage rolls, the council employees would have been eating them straight off the floor, even during a pandemic – no one would ever let a Greggs sausage roll go to waste. But because they weren’t, the staff didn’t dare go near them – and so they’ve been left barricaded in the building by a wall of sausage rolls.”

When The Lampoon‘s correspondent asked Gregory whether the introduction of the Eat Out To Help Out scheme at Greggs would encourage him to try the bakery’s other wares, the local activist seemed horrified.

“You mean that those vegan ones would be included in the offer?!” Gregory asked incredulously. “We only deal with real meat around here. I’d rather go sausage roll-less than have one of them.”

Eat Out to Help Out sees Spoons app orders of pots of PEAs increase 1000%

After the government’s introduction of the Eat Out to Help Out scheme, scores of highly original practical jokers have taken to ordering hundreds of unwanted items to people’s tables in Wetherspoons. One self-proclaimed ‘student comedian’ said to us “if it’s half the price, it’s double the fun.”

When the ‘Spoons game’ went viral over two years ago, it was regarded by many as the peak of British comedy. Who doesn’t say the ultimate practical joke on a night-out is when someone miles away pays for a small amount of food to be brought to your table, only for it to go uneaten and eventually be thrown away?

Now even the most tight-fisted jokers can join in on the action too, thanks to the new government scheme to get us all out our homes, and into places with cash registers. Now, a pot of peas will set you back just 32p and a glass of milk is only 35p, whereas the tables and pint pots are all free.

However, after the recent surge in useless orders, one member of staff is pleading for the prank to finally come to an end. She said that she once had to clear “so many peas from table 69 it weighed as much as a four stone child.” Our quantitative analyst at The Toon Lampoon estimates that not even the Green Giant himself could carry that.

However, Tim Martin, as ever, has other ideas, and has allegedly been spotted rolling around smushing peas and milk everywhere and making a “really big mess.” We’re not really sure why that would be, but he might be celebrating the literal tens of pounds he is making from all of this.

But what’s your opinion? Should these kings of comedy commemorated with a big old statue, just like Martin was a month back, or should they just be shot at dawn?