Faroese 1429, dolphins 0, in humiliating defeat

Sports and hunting analysts alike have agreed that the population of dolphins around the Faroe Islands put in a truly lacklustre performance in what would prove to be the largest single hunt of cetaceans in history.

“It’s got to be embarrassing for them,” said conservationist Tom Harpoon, surveying the bloody aftermath. “They’re supposed to have near-human intelligence, but you could have fooled me.”

Following a night where 1429 dolphins were herded into shallow waters, stabbed to death with knives, then distributed to the local people for consumption, various animal rights groups and the broader international community have spoken out regarding the dolphin population’s need to get its head in the game.

“The main problem, as far as I see it, is that the dolphins weren’t incentivised,” said Michael Grayson, sports analyst. “Motivation counts for everything in this game, and the dolphins’ motivation to go on living clearly wasn’t of the same intensity as the Faroese’s desire to butcher over a thousand dolphins until the sea literally ran red.”

Jennifer Morgan, CEO of Greenpeace International, released a statement to journalists earlier today:

“Everyone loves a good underdog story. But the thing is, it’s difficult to care when that underdog puts in a shameful performance like we’ve seen here. I mean, dolphins are cute, but you know what I’m really invested in? Winners.”

The flawless victory of man over dolphin has been heralded by various environmental bodies as proof of how ultimately unstoppable humanity is.

“We’ve got it in us to go all the way,” said UN President Abdulla Shahid. “Faroe absolutely fucked those dolphins, and we’ve got the Amur leopard and the Black rhinoceros on the ropes. We’re the goddamn champions of the world.”

Shortly after the results came in, Greta Thunberg took to Twitter to say that even she found it hard not to view the dolphin population with scorn, disgust, and hunger.

Featured image: Walter Baxter on Geograph

Opinion: fuck it, you’ve done enough to stop climate change

What’s that? Just going to sit back and put your feet up for a little while? Sure. That’s fine.

I mean, look at all you’ve done to stop the nigh-inevitable destruction of the human race due to man-made climate change.

Look at that recycling bin. Go on, look at it. You did that. That’s your contribution.

Oh, sure, the council gave you the bin, and they’re the ones that empty it, but it doesn’t work without you. You’re the one who drags it out to the curb every other week, apart from when you forget. You even put recyclable stuff in there, when you can be bothered.

Yeah. No-one can take that away from you.

Is that a burger? Man, absolutely. Treat yourself. You’ve earned it. Think of all the meat-free Mondays that you’ve taken part in. You ate a middling vegetarian chilli for dinner this week. And maybe you had a chicken salad sandwich for lunch but, as you so eloquently argued, that meat was already bought and paid for.

I mean, what were you going to do? Just throw it away? You don’t have a compost bin, and God knows the damage that binning that chicken salad club would have done to the environment. This way, you get some use out of it, and it gets recycled naturally.

Apart from the packaging, but you’re right: it was raining outside last night, and you’d have got soaked if you’d leaned out of the kitchen door to throw it in the bin.

On an unrelated note, I see that wall of photographs of BP higher-ups is still pretty free from red crosses and newspaper cuttings.

Oh, I’m sure it’s difficult to get into position. After all, the scope on that rifle only offers you 18X magnification. You’d have to be in the same city to get the job done: it’s a lot of risk.

And you’re right: they do have families. Imagine the oily tears running down their children’s faces when they saw Daddy’s head explode into a red mist on the news. You couldn’t live with yourself if you did that.

No: someone else will get around to it. They’re killing the planet, after all, drip by black drip. Surely someone is going to do the decent thing.

No, you sit back and rest. It’s nice and warm in here, after all. Getting warmer, too.

You’ve done enough.

Featured image: Pxfuel

“Shit, man, what would you have said?” asks BP representative

Following a Federal District Court case in which the world’s five largest oil companies admitted to having a noteworthy role in climate change, a spokesperson for BP asked reporters, “just what the fuck you’d have said in our position.”

Addressing a press gathering, Communications Officer Tom Wilcox stated, “Look, we got the findings back in the eighties. And sure, it was some real scary shit: rising sea levels, regular forest fires, climate refugees. Well, you know what else is scary? Letting billions of tonnes of oil just sit in the ground after spending all that money on technology built specifically to get it out.”

When asked what measures BP now planned to take to reverse climate change, Wilcox said, “Let me be clear, here: no-one regrets the absolute raw pounding that Mother Earth has taken more than BP. But let’s be real here: we made our deal with the devil and the price was the future of the whole human race and your grandchildren’s lives. After all, we can’t have it said that BP broke a contract; what would the world think of us then?”

Wilcox concluded by refuting the widely-held belief that there needs to be sterner consequences for companies that contribute to climate change. “I’m sure that the sight of oil executives’ bodies twisting in the wind, suspended by hempen rope, would make everyone feel a lot better, but that’s not going to get you out of this giant apocalypse-shaped hole that we’ve put you in. If you ask my advice, the world has more important things to focus on than playing the blame game.”

Major waste disposal company rebrands as “Hats for Dolphins Co.” after ocean dumping incident

“We thought the company was in some deep shit,” said Callum Hall, CEO of Australia’s second-largest waste disposal company, after more than 6,000 tonnes of plastic was ejected from their facility into the nearby ocean. “We were worried that maybe this incident would force us to address the massive tunnel leading directly from our landfill site to the ocean. But then Jeff from PR came up with a really neat way around it.”

Mr Hall produced a small plastic cup with some string tied around the bottom, slipping it onto his head like a party hat. The cup featured a cartoon image of a dolphin wearing a plastic cup on its head, grinning and holding a cigar. The lattermost inclusion was paid for by Australia’s largest tobacco company, as a way to “reach the hitherto underexploited niche of children who care about the environment but also about looking cool. We believe the two goals have been mutually exclusive until this moment.”

Above the dolphin were the words “Hats for Dolphins Co.”, the new name of Mr Hall’s company.

“Oh, and speaking of being in deep shit,” Hall continued, “we’ve seen what the guys are doing over in the UK water industry and we’re loving the we-don’t-give-a-shit attitude they have towards pumping tonnes and tonnes of human excrement into their own ocean. It’s inspired us to branch out into the defecation disposal industry; like, who gives a crap where we dump your dump? If you catch my drift…”

I reminded him that several large pods of endangered dolphins had indeed “caught his drift” and that animal rights groups were pressuring him to fund a clean-up operation.

“Ah,” he replied, “see, at Hats for Dolphins Co. we believe that ‘cleaning up’ is an activity more suited to the mind than to the body. As far as we see it, what the company (and, frankly, the world) is in need of is a spiritual clean-up.”

I asked him what he was suggesting. He started to remove his hat, but Jeff from PR revealed himself from out of the shadows, gave Mr Hall another hat, and answered my question on his behalf.

“Well, by rebranding as Hats for Dolphins Co. said Jeff, “we’ve had to re-evaluate our priorities as a company. We used to see wildlife as restrictive to our business model. But since our philanthropic donation of 6,000 hats went down so well in the dolphin and minority turtle community (I mean these guys just can’t seem to get the things off!), we have begun to value nature as more of a co-partner in our operations.”

The dolphin and minority turtle community were unavailable to comment on this issue, as they are currently engaged in a lengthy world advertising tour on behalf of Hats for Dolphins Co.

Shell executives blame worsening climate change on “public’s inhuman lust for oil”

The oil company Shell today released a statement laying the blame for the increasingly severe effects of climate change at the feet of what they described as “our loyal and valued customer base”.

The memo, received by The Toon Lampoon this morning, stated the belief that climate change would “not be nearly so advanced” had human society “had the moral strength and fortitude to wean itself from Mother Earth’s oil-dripping teat”.

“It is astonishing,” the memo went on to say, “that the planet has been content to let its desire, nay, its monstrous appetite for oil force us to mine and drill the very planet that we call home for its slick, black sustenance. For decades now, we have been forced to stand by, hands figuratively tied, as the human race has pressed its filthy, bloodstained money onto us in return for our unquestioning collaboration in its mission to poison the very air we breathe.”

Shell was one of several major oil companies to admit the role that it had played in the current climate crisis, though the organisation insists that full responsibility rests upon the shoulders of its consumers.

“It’s supply and demand, nothing more,” the memo concluded. “In one powerful, overwhelming roar, the people of the world have demanded oil. And we, we unhappy few, have been fated by either birth, or position, or CV application, to supply our fellow man with the devil’s own black, poisonous piss. We condemn the climate crisis and we condemn those who have caused it: ordinary human beings like yourselves.”

Sharks starve as local idiots die of COVID-19 instead of going surfing

A representative from the San Francisco Shark Association appealed on Thursday night for idiots to avoid dying of COVID-19, claiming that without them resident sharks would go hungry. Mr Carcharodon said food poverty among shark families was dramatically increasing as local idiots were dying of COVID-19 instead of going surfing.

Local idiots are a crucial source of protein for sharks, and should be eaten at least once a week as part of a healthy diet, according to figures published by Newcastle University’s Marine Dietary Specialists Department. Local idiots mimic the appearance of seals by wearing wetsuits and swimming in close proximity to seal colonies, making them excellent targets for sharks.

Mr White claimed that there is a correlation between these “reckless surfer types” and those who refuse to wear a mask. One local idiot The Lampoon interviewed also complained about wearing shark-proof chainmail, saying his “right to swim naked” was being compromised. Shortly after the interview took place he lost his right leg to a hammerhead.

In contrast, the shark community has taken the pandemic very seriously, with most individuals observing social distancing and choosing to wear a mask.

Luckily the plight of the sharks has been championed by other animal rights groups. A group of 40 koalas held a charity BBQ and completed a hot coals walk to raise money for the starving sharks. Mr White, a representative from the shark community, thanked the koalas for their efforts.