Council assures Newcastle residents that Purge protocol “purely hypothetical”

A representative for Newcastle City Council today promised members of the public that recently-leaked plans to enact a Purge within the city limits had no relation whatsoever to council policy.

Addressing members of the press, Communications Officer Tom Newford stated, “The plans that were reported by several local papers earlier this week were nothing but conjecture: blue-sky thinking on topics such as homelessness, social welfare, and refuse collection. In no way were they intended to inform or steer current thinking or policy.”

Plans detailing a twelve-hour period during which all crime would be legal in the city of Newcastle upon Tyne were passed to The Lampoon earlier this week (as opposed to more established publications such as The Chronicle). Newford, 29, assured readers that, while the council did believe that a twelve-hour period in which theft, piracy, and murder would be completely legal would help with the current pandemic situation, “it wasn’t like we were going to go ahead with it or anything.”

The news was greeted by the city’s population with outrage, concern, and considerable discussion over which Newcastle resident could definitely batter their associates and co-workers.

“I reckon I’d do alright,” Gary Larson told The Lampoon. ‘My plan, right, is to head over to Eldon Gardens and just, you know, kind of take over the area as a sort of feudal baron. Sign on a few big lads, maybe recruit a harem, put up some severed heads as a warning to the others, and basically hold out until morning.”

Tanya Wesson said, “My first stop would be Fenwick. I’ve got an ID card, which would get me and my friends inside the top floor. After that, I’m thinking regular raiding parties: we’d grab supplies from the Food Hall first, then we’d limit our excursions to the third floor so as not to attract attention. The Terrace Café would have enough kitchen knives and frying pans to let us drive out any interlopers from Eldon Square or the Metro Station.”

Finally, Chi Onwurah, MP for Newcastle upon Tyne Central, told our correspondent, “I think a lot of residents are failing to grasp the social and cultural possibilities of this event, if it was to happen. I’m not going to say how I’d make it happen, but there’s an opportunity to have the cast of Geordie Shore executed in front of Grey’s Monument. I don’t plan on passing it up.”

Earlier today, Gateshead’s council put out a statement offering sanctuary for any Newcastle residents wishing to avoid the potential mass slaughter. However, a spokesperson for the council admitted to The Lampoon that they would not be surprised if people would prefer the risk of being skinned, castrated, and murdered over spending an entire night in Gateshead.

Designer of Fenwick Christmas window display already settled on burning trashbag

The set designer for the beloved Fenwick Christmas display has already settled on an idea, months before December. Harris Tercrat – who works an entire twenty four hours a year and earns upwards of a quarter million pounds – has landed on a burning trashbag.

The move has set the world of art alight, and a trashbag. Speaking to The Lampoon, Tercrat admitted “it’s difficult to sum up any year with a window display, and even harder to make it seem positive.”

“In 1992, the Queen referred to the year as an ‘annus horribilis’. For that display, we paid a look-a-like of Elizabeth to cry from a balcony, like the one attached to her multi-million pound home.”

 “I have to say, for a while now, we’ve thought 2020 would be one of the easier ones. After everyone started making those 2020 vision jokes, we were going to put a bunch of glasses everywhere and a note that said ‘happy now?’”

“Suffice to say we knew we were in trouble since January, but what better summary is there of the year than a bag full of burning wrappers and rotting vegetables?”

Little is known about the Fenwick Christmas window display, except that it predates the Fenwick window. The founder of Fenwick actually built the shop around the display, which appeared every late December without explanation.

A set designer has only been attached to the display since the 1980s, whose role is almost entirely providing the set-ups to the jokes in this article.