McDonald’s celebrates Veganuary by launching vegan water

McDonalds marked its most innovative entry yet into the cruelty-free market by debuting its vegan water in time for Veganuary.

Veganuary is a month where social media influencers give up meat and dairy products to appear more ethical and charge companies hefty fees for sponsored posts featuring tofu and soya milk.

The fast food chain launched its Vegan McWater, which retails at £2, after noticing high demand from its five vegan customers.

“There really was a gap in the market for us to trial a cruelty-free beverage,” McDonalds’ Head of Product Innovation Keith Sandwich told The Toon Lampoon‘s restaurant correspondent.

“In the past we just served customers the water we used to clean our chicken nugget fryers, but the poor Veganuary buggers are already having to put up with vegan food for a month, so we thought we’d treat them to some cruelty-free water to wash down the taste of vegetables and fake chicken.”

After the 2020 everyone had, during which around 1.82 million people around the world died of COVID-19 and more Black Americans died as a result of the country’s systemic racism, McDonalds told us its vegan water is a great way to celebrate the new year.

“And, with the pubs closed, it’s not like we’ve got much competition in the drinks department,” Sandwich laughed.

The mass advertising campaign accompanying the product’s launch is to spread awareness of the health benefits of a vegan diet and has nothing to do with cashing in on the growing vegan market, Sandwich added hastily.

For the month of Veganuary only, McDonalds is offering a free bottle of Vegan McWater with any beef burger from its menu.

Featured image: Cruiser on Wikimedia Commons

Pre-made category for “food, rents, monthly bills” on fundraising websites simply the best system we have

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give” – Winston Churchill.

I think the quote above speaks volumes. This is the greatest man this world has ever seen, articulating so precisely the beauty of charity. In an act of giving, we receive so much. This is why I was filled with such joy upon seeing that popular fundraising site GoFundMe has added a premade category for campaigns related to “food, rent, and monthly bills”.

Clearly welfare systems are not working – who would’ve guessed that socialist or Maoist-communist measures such as Universal Credit aren’t viable? So, those struggling must turn to other avenues. Historically – and, it appears, presently too – this has meant relying on the generosity of well-meaning members of our society who have the wherewithal to pass on a little of the wealth they’ve worked diligently to earn.

Charity is great! Charity online is greater!

Society’s Have-Nots now don’t have to submit themselves to the embarrassment of grovelling for cash. Sites like GoFundMe make it simpler than ever to ask others for the money required to pay for your survival. The campaigns take minutes to set up, and put a friendly computer screen between you and any unpleasant face-to-face interaction. GoFundMe has also made charity intersectional! Where once the act of giving was confined to the old white men who have the cultural clout to earn enough to spare a little, fundraising sites often provide an easy shareable link. Now fundraisers can access anybody on social media, and the beautiful act of giving has been opened up to anyone with a Facebook account, not just privileged millionaires and billionaires. It’s a win for everyone.

Socialists who wish to turn capitalism into the Mongolian-style Marxist communism of Khorloogiin Choibalsan have no feet to stand on. Their tired argument of “capitalism doesn’t provide for everyone in society” is completely negated by the ever-increasing prevalence of fundraisers to cover people’s basic needs. Why would we ever need welfare systems when there are tens of millionaires ready to funnel their cash into charitable causes? Welfare systems and socialist communism in the style of Kiro Gligorov take away a citizen’s right to giving. How could we do charity if the state is already giving people what they require to live healthily and happily?

As the great Winston Churchill said at the beginning of the article, “we make a life by what we give”. The Marxist social “democracy” of figures like Tachat Sargsyan fundamentally makes it impossible for humans to make a life. Charity under capitalism is simply the only system available.

Violent protests erupt after Greggs not included in Eat Out To Help Out

Newcastle has been host to a swarm of disruptive and in part violent protests after it emerged that Geordie staple Greggs has not been included in the government’s Eat Out To Help Out scheme.

The brainchild of Conservative Chancellor Rishi Sunak, the scheme has seen many restaurants, cafes and pubs offer 50% discounts on food and non-alcoholic beverages on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays throughout August. The discount will be covered by the government in a move that is hoped to encourage spending and revive the hospitality industry.

However, many of those north of the River Trent have been shocked to discover that the offer does not include bakery chain Greggs. This means that their famous sausage rolls currently cost a bank-breaking £1 each, leaving many regulars reeling.

“It’s a disgrace,” fumed local pastry enthusiast Gregory Gregson. “My KFC Chicken Zingers are half price, as are my Big Whoppers, but I can’t even get 50p off my sausage roll. It’s just typical of this country really.”

Gregarious Gregory and his fellow discount bakery lovers even decided to stage a protest to express their outrage at the government’s decision.

“We call ourselves the Defenders of Greggs,” Gregory explained to The Lampoon. “We believe that everyone should have the right to eat whatever discounted meals they choose – and if the southerners are allowed their half-price Wagamama and Starbucks then we up north should be allowed our discounted Greggs.

“At a push I would even accept a compromise – maybe Cooplands or Milligans – but even their slightly sub-par sausage rolls aren’t included on the offer. It’s ridiculous.”

At the most recent Defenders of Greggs protest, Gregory and his friends surrounded the Civic Centre dressed as their favourite pork-based snack and threw supermarket knock-offs of Greggs’ famous classic at the local council building.

“It was a great day,” laughed Gregory. “The funny thing is that if they were the real deal Greggs sausage rolls, the council employees would have been eating them straight off the floor, even during a pandemic – no one would ever let a Greggs sausage roll go to waste. But because they weren’t, the staff didn’t dare go near them – and so they’ve been left barricaded in the building by a wall of sausage rolls.”

When The Lampoon‘s correspondent asked Gregory whether the introduction of the Eat Out To Help Out scheme at Greggs would encourage him to try the bakery’s other wares, the local activist seemed horrified.

“You mean that those vegan ones would be included in the offer?!” Gregory asked incredulously. “We only deal with real meat around here. I’d rather go sausage roll-less than have one of them.”

Basic white girl dubbed ‘hipster’ after not ordering Katsu Curry at Shijo

Outrage persists at Kayleigh Basicton for her heinous crimes against her people this week. At 4:23pm on 25 July 2020, 20-year-old Kailey purchased a portion of pork meatball yakisoba instead of her usual chicken katsu curry at the Haymarket branch of Japanese fast food outlet Shijo.

As soon as Kayliee’s friends realised they quickly began to turn against her, shunning her as a ‘hipster’ and a ‘traitor’. Brooklynne, better known as simply ‘one of the girlies’, said: “This time she’s taken it too far. What’s next? Loving your family more than Starbucks? Demanding your boyfriend get your birthday present from a different shop than Pandora, or even not ordering Katsu at Wagamamas too?”

It is known that on their last trip, like every trip, her and her friends agreed to be “more adventurous” next time and finally order something different. But this time K’Leigh didn’t panic and revert to her usual order – blasphemous behaviour that will see Kae-Lee ostracised forever, or at least til next Monday.

Twitter has come to the consensus that mixing up her order with a tofu katsu curry is okay as it’s “totes great for the environment”. Also ordering a limited edition pumpkin spice katsu curry, if it were to be brought out, would be acceptable too. However, going ‘off-menu’ – or, as it’s better known, The Second Column of the menu – is ‘textbook hipster’ and has completely changed Kaile’s public brand.

Cailey will now have to adopt a full hipster lifestyle. Kae’Leigh has already thrown out her Ugg boots and yoga pants and has bought in hair dye and some oversized plaid shirts. Caeli’s Instagram bio will now be changed from the well-known Marilyn Monroe quote “Katsu curry is one of life’s greatest treasures” to “Lost in a world that doesn’t exist“. This is because Khaileeiaough can’t just enjoy the things she likes – she has to conform fully to a set stereotype.

Eat@Newcastle Updates Policy to Rule In Dubious US Meat

Eat@Newcastle, the company that operates Newcastle’s favourite culinary travesties, such as Chicken Shack opposite Luther’s and the Castle Leazes dining facilities, has made a controversial promise to utilise 100% American meat in the event of a trade deal without food standards protections.

Eat@Newcastle CEO, Veronica Egan, said “Despite our pride in the quality of our products and our concern for the health of our customers, we realise that students ultimately care about getting the cheapest deal possible. As such, utilising imported meat will greatly drive down our costs, the savings generated by which will definitely be passed on to students.”

Egan added, “Where we will see the most benefit is the Castle Leazes project. For years, we have tried to provide the bare minimum to people who are unable to cook for themselves, whilst charging an extortionate amount for meals. The reduction in ingredient costs will allow us to fund further research into separating money from the residents of Castle Leazes, or rather separating money from the residents’ parents.”

Consumer group Which? has claimed that poor US farming practices contribute to high incidence of food-borne illness among Americans. In any case, it would be best to see silver linings where possible; you might not have to exercise to avoid gaining weight when diarrhea and vomiting will have those kilos just melting off you.