Fans have spotted a ‘glory hunting twats’ stand being installed at St James’ Park, a struggling community centre in the north east of England.
This follows the acquisition of Newcastle United Football Club by Saudi Arabia, the world’s least sexually liberated sugar daddy.
A spokesperson for the club swam through piles of money being dumped in the room by industrial diggers to speak to The Lampoon.
“This exciting new extension is to get ahead of the changes we expect to see at the club over the next few years. Namely, improving the reputation of one of the worst human rights abusers on Earth, and Newcastle supporters getting called fake fans in eighteen months by Man City fans.”
“We can’t wait for this new stand to attract hundreds of thousands of Twitter followers, and maybe three ticket sales.”
“That’s what this is about: community,” she explained, before spitting out several £50 notes.
It’s an exciting day in the world of association football-based sports video games, as EA Sports have revealed a film based on their most successful series. Arriving July 2022, EA Sports FIFA: The Movie Based On The Popular Video Game Series Of The Same Name will be exclusively written and directed by renowned filmmaker, Guillermo del Toro.
According to early insider information, the film’s script consists entirely of dialogue from unseen commentator characters, while the on-screen cast will remain entirely silent. The plot is said to follow the story of a collection of matches between various fictional teams, as most clubs refused to license their details to the project.
The announcement was followed by a cast reveal.
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Paul Rudd … as Lionel Messi
“I am really excited to tackle a different challenge as an actor. They forced me to learn Spanish despite having no lines in the film. I’ve been on the training field for weeks, practising Leo’s free kicks. Hopefully I can do Messi justice.” – Rudd
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Ryan Reynolds … as Christopher Rolando
Due to licensing issues, Reynolds’ character is based on an athlete who cannot be named here for legal reasons.
“The hardest part of the role was practising the ‘SUIIII’ celebration. I pulled my hamstring twice in the process. Nonetheless, it has been an experience.” – Reynolds
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Robert Downey Jr. … as Gareth Southgate
“I’m a bit of a gamer myself, so this is an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. They let me keep the waistcoats, too, which was a nice cherry on top of the $85 million I was paid.” – Downey Jr.
Image: @johntravolta, Instagram
John Travolta … as Pep Guardiola
“I’m a big fan of the bald fraud, so to play him is truly a once in a lifetime experience.” – Travolta
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Benedict Cumberbatch …as Harry Kane
“I am excited to bring it home for the boys, best believe.” – Cumberbatch
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Pete Davidson … as Neymar
“I’ve always wanted to get into method acting. I’ve spent an accumulative time of around 15,000 hours practising stepovers and ball juggling to prepare for the role. Unfortunately, my on-field scenes were cut.” – Davidson
Supporting cast include Morgan Freeman as Pelé, Rowan Atkinson as José Mourinho, Jonah Hill as David Luiz, Penélope Cruz as the only female character, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Kevin Hart as the commentators.
EA Sports FIFA: The Movie Based On The Popular Video Game Series Of The Same Name will hit the big screen next summer.
The Toon Lampoon’s 5-a-side team has taken the bold stance of refusing any offer to participate in the new European Super League. Critics have suggested the move is motivated less by principle and more by the fact that The Toon Lampoon doesn’t have a 5-a-side team.
The Lampoon has rebutted that if only actual teams are able to qualify, it begs the question of how Arsenal managed.
However, to assuage detractors, The Lampoon has formed a 5-a-side team just so it can refuse to participate in the European Super League. The players were drawn from the homeless shelter where Lampoon writers live, and the Newcastle reserve squad.
The team captain explained “It’s very important we take a stand against greed, unless it’s our greed. As such, we will not be accepting any offer to join the European Super League, provided we are absolutely certain there’s no money in it.”
Note: the first two jokes were written by The Lampoon’s very own Tom Clarke. This blatant plagiarism has taken place because we at The Lampoon have about as much common decency as the founding clubs of the European Super League.
We’re in the fledgling stages of a real spectacle of a Premier League season, and there are already plenty of upsets spicing things up in the UK’s biggest football division. There are a lot of different ways you can rank and order the 20 clubs that participate in this year’s Prem, but there is only one that truly matters: from least to most, how likely is it for each team to stage a coup d’état in Chile?
#20: Manchester City
Following the City Group’s acquisition of Santiago City – their 139th football club – it looks near-impossible for the Citizens to speak out against the Chilean government, let alone stage a full-on coup against them.
#19: Crystal Palace
Eagles manager Roy Hodgson is an outspoken advocate for the National Renewal Party of Chile. Unless things were to dramatically change, Palace would be in prime position to defend Chile from a military coup, not participate in one.
#18: Arsenal
Given Tottenham Hotspur’s rigidly anti-Chile stance, it is rumoured that Arsenal are in favour of maintaining the status quo in Santiago, simply out of spite.
#17: Sheffield United
Chris Wilder’s men are known to work on a shoestring budget, so it’s unlikely that they would find themselves in the right financial position to launch a military coup of any kind, never mind one that would see them traverse an ocean and most of a continent in transit.
#16: West Bromwich Albion
There’s just something about the Baggies that says “No, they probably won’t involve themselves in large-scale military operations in South America”.
#15: Brighton & Hove Albion
When asked about Chile, Graham Potter went on a fifteen minute rant about how Chile is, traditionally speaking, a beanless dish, and that anyone who includes beans in their Chile is disgracing its Mexican roots. From this, we can decipher that his involvement in the country’s politics is minimal.
#14: Wolverhampton Wanderers
Wolves seem far too busy pretending to be Portuguese, so they are unlikely to make a move on Chile at the present.
A picture taken during the 2014 unrest spurred on by Stoke City, who are no longer in the Premier League. Image: C64-92 on Flickr
#13-10: Leicester City, Everton, Leeds United & Southampton
Given that these four Premier League clubs are actively involved in a military coup in Sierra Leone, they seem to have their hands full at the present. Things can quickly change, but for now, West Africa will keep this coalition busy.
#9: Fulham
In what looks to be a difficult season ahead for the Cottagers, it’s likely that Scott Parker may look towards more creative methods for survival in the Premier League. Whether that means signing a new centre-back in January or seizing power in the Chilean capital, we cannot possibly know.
#8: Newcastle United
When asked about Chile, Steve Bruce said “No, I’m warm enough, thanks”. There is certainly potential, however, that Bruce’s words were faux-ignorance, and that he is plotting a coup as we speak.
#7: Manchester United
After what happened with Alexis Sánchez, how could Man United fans not want to see a significant restructure of Chilean politics? With that being said, it’s unlikely that the Glazers will fund a venture of this magnitude, as they have already set their sights on the cheaper, more realistic option of a Venezuelan military coup.
#6: Chelsea
With news arriving of Chelsea’s failed attempt to purchase Chile in the summer transfer window, things are tense between the Blues and the South American country. Frank Lampard may seek alternate methods of acquisition this winter.
#5-3: Aston Villa, Burnley & West Ham
This trio of teams were recently spotted attending a “Claret & Blue Conversion Rally”, in which a union of organisations that share the same colour scheme plotted to force all of the world’s institutions into representing the claret & blue, including the Chilean government. Unless Chile complies and switches up the colours on their flag, it’s looking like military intervention may be inevitable.
#2: Tottenham Hotspur
José Mourinho has repeatedly insulted Chilean President Sebastián Piñera in press conferences this season, calling him a “wasteman” and a “clout-chaser”. With Spurs-Chile relations nearing boiling point, it is only a matter of time before a coup is on the cards.
#1: Liverpool
There’s just something about Jürgen Klopp that screams “this man is a severe and immediate threat to the current ruling political party of Chile”. One look at his toothy grin would send shivers down the spine of any right-leaning Chilean, and, although Klopp hasn’t formally commented on the matter, it is surely only a matter of time before Salah & co. arrive on the Chilean coast.
This report has been sent to us from thirty years in the future, which means The Lampoon will run at least thirty years longer than expected.
In a stunning turn of events, recent leaks to The Lampoon suggest news of a potential Saudi takeover of Newcastle United could be imminent.
Representatives from the Saudi sovereign wealth fund began their attempt to remove from ownership sports tycoon and Victorian workhouse aficionado Mike Ashley in January 2019. Now, only 1656 weeks later, recent rumours have led some fans to believe that the wait may be over.
The main issue with the takeover is the political rivalry between the Saudis and the Qataris, specifically involving issues around TV rights and piracy. “When I took this job I thought I was just box ticking,” says Premier League representative D. Runkard. “But instead, I’m having to sort out Gulf state conflicts. Who knew the Middle East was so complicated?”
The other main stumbling block behind the Newcastle takeover is that for the past 18 years, communications from Mike Ashley have dried up. “He certainly has been playing hardball with us,” an unnamed Saudi representative told The Lampoon. “But I suppose that’s to be expected when one party in the negotiations has been dead for 18 years.”
Sky Sports’ array of pundits have came out to praise Premier League golden boy – and Manchester City manager – Pep Guardiola, after his team of plucky underdogs thrashed Newcastle United 5-0.
Despite Man City spending more than 1 billion pounds since 2008 to assemble a world class squad, pundits are jumping at the chance to tunnel more praise into Guardiola’s amazing achievements.
Sky Sports pundit Harry Beaver was quoted saying: “What Guardiola has done this season is brilliant, with the limited resources he has had during his tenure at Citeh”.
“I mean, when he thumped West Ham 5-0 at the start of the season I was shocked. Then beating the mighty Watford 8-0?! I thought we were going to have another Leicester!”
Beaver’s co-host, Sid Cophant, chimed in with “Let’s not forget the amazing story back in February, when 2nd place Man City surprised us all by beating 18th place Aston Villa in the League Cup final!”.
Although Liverpool actually won the title this season, Man City fans are rightfully claiming this was a fluke, based on Aymeric Laporte being injured for half of the season. As a result, they’re suggesting the most expensive squad in Europe was ‘lacking in depth’ to make a proper challenge for the title.
Pep Guardiola has criticised his team for only managing 5 goals against a poor Newcastle side a few weeks ago at the Etihad. Steve Bruce thought he was having another tactical blinder, when he decided to play both out-of-favour full backs DeAndre Yedlin and Emil Krafth.
After surrendering the FA Cup quarter final to Man City before a whistle was blown earlier this year, fans were anticipating a strong performance against last years champions… perhaps only a 2-0 beating.
Unfortunately, only 10 minutes into the game, Newcastle fans were disappointingly reminded that Steve Bruce is still their manager.
Despite this massive loss, pundits who are good friends with Bruce have come out and backed the manager, claiming he has done a fantastic job this season. Bruce has thanked the unbiased and non sycophantic press for backing him during these difficult times, when his tactical mediocrity is truly exposed.
In other news, Newcastle fans are welcoming the prospect of games against Man City being dubbed the “Human Rights Violation Derby” next season, if their Saudi backed takeover is to go through.
The Toon Lampoon 