Frog Report: Winter Edition

Hello again from the Frog Report! We are once again back to discuss the most common, overplayed talking points that are so edgy no mainstream publication will print them.

In the past six months, we’ve been yelling at people who wear glasses to stop wearing glasses and just try harder to see faraway things. We’ve been proving that we are healthy, well-balanced people with hobbies like building side tables out of driftwood and shaming anyone who likes video games. As you can see, this has nothing to do with our personal problems and everything to do with a need to keep anybody we don’t like from doing things.

Since it’s winter, we are finally writing a Frog Report from the ideal place for a frog: our mud pit! Fully surrounded and hibernating in our slimy ideals, we are poised to defend our views by saying we are just people who like frogs. Or, in my case, “just a woman who likes frogs.”

After all, if you are a woman and you like something, you always have to highlight the fact that you are not like other women in that you like the thing. Otherwise, people may erroneously believe that it’s common for women to enjoy pizza, wine, trucks, conservative values, sports, pants, cats, unfair public policy, books, swear words, beer, unnecessary violence, Disney, scary movies, getting paid, autumn and being a mother to a boy.

We also insist that nobody appreciates the true meaning of Christmas anymore. We express this by continuing to get rid of our traditions because we don’t feel like doing them and instead continuing to commercialize the holiday even more. While this may seem hypocritical, rest assured that we are doing our duty by yelling at culturally-Christian agnostics who still celebrate to remember the story of Christmas.

Of course, it wouldn’t truly be a Frog Report if we had anything meaningful to say or any structure outside of just saying our opinions loudly. It’s just too much fun watching people act shocked at stuff many people have said before and probably better, even if it’s still wrong and said in bad faith. I hope this page has opened your eyes to everything the media has hidden from you, which it somehow manages to broadcast nearly 24 hours a day.

Featured image: hehaden on Flickr

The Frog Report: an introduction

Do you only feel comfortable viewing politics through the lens of Harry Potter?

Do you use crustaceans’ social hierarchy as an explanation for complex socioeconomic structures such as modern capitalism?

Are you looking to abandon the trends for something a bit more wet and slimy that you can use to one-up your friends at parties when they tentatively suggest that not all gamer girls are fake?

Here, we utilize the serious discipline of armchair batrachology to fashion complete, objective political reports that don’t force you to come out of the comfortable mud pit that is your political echo chamber! We don’t shame you for your ignorance here. We all want to remain in a comfortable, toothless, uncontroversial state of misinformed political self-importance that requires no critical thought or self-reflection whatsoever. What does that better reflect than a frog’s desire to find a safe, warm patch of mud in which to hibernate?

Away from influences like TikTok, PornHub, Fannibals, and the Mean Girls musical that are turning your children into liberals, frogs clearly know what’s best.

Indeed, all of world politics can be easily conceptualized through this lens. Brexit is clearly reflective of a frog’s journey to separate from the clump of eggs, lose its tail, and move onto land! The US election clearly reflects the behaviour of two massive ideological frog gods. Specifically, frog gods worshipped by citizens and presidential candidates alike, dipped in red and blue paint and hopping around on a massive map of the US!

So if you prefer a lily pad to an iPad, hop on over to the Frog Report! After all, a lily pad won’t expose your children to Buzzfeed, Doctor Who fan fiction, Nickelback, Gerard Way, or other dangerous thought leaders. Together we can mourn the end of a movement that was never really a thing in the first place while drinking, wearing bad costumes, and doing absolutely nothing about it.