Community stunned as mourner attends loan shark’s funeral

The town of Gateshead was reportedly in a state of shock today as the funeral of a notable community loan shark was attended by a single mourner.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Darren Smike, 48. “Not even his own family turned up to see him put in the ground. Who on earth could feel so close to him that they’d actually show up and be seen paying their respects?”

Speculation as to the suspect’s identity has been rampant throughout the local community. According to The Lampoon’s polling team, 72% of those questioned believe the mystery man to be an apostate of Satan, condemned to roam the Earth until the end of time. A further 19% believe him to be a member of the local Conservative Party.

The question has even been addressed by Gateshead City Council in the wake of the interment.

“This is far more than your run-of-the-mill funeral mystery,” the leader of Gateshead City Council told our reporter. “It hints, in fact, at something dark and brooding at the very heart of our community. An individual that walks our streets, with whom we rub shoulders on a daily basis, has somehow infiltrated our town. Worse, they’re capable of the base depravity of attending the funeral of a loan shark. It’s a warning to us all that something is dreadfully wrong. I mean, besides the whole pandemic and Brexit situation.”

The deceased loan shark, Tommy Lesley, was pronounced dead last Friday after being ceremonially dragged into a giant wooden prison that was then set alight by the Mayoress of Gateshead, who was dressed as a giant cartoon centipede. His family requests that, in lieu of sending flowers, well-wishers should spend an hour intimidating a confused and frightened pensioner.

“We’re not angry with you, just disappointed,” say North East Council Leaders

As the Government announced that the North East would enter into a second lockdown following rising rates of COVID-19 infections, Council Leaders across the region issued a joint statement, telling residents that they couldn’t help but be a little bit disappointed with their behaviour over the past several months.

Speaking to The Toon Lampoon’s plague and pestilence correspondent, Newcastle Council Leader Nick Forbes stated, “I, personally, really did expect better from you all. I know it’s been a difficult time, but that is, frankly, no excuse for this kind of behaviour.”

Adding to Forbes’ comments, Leader of Gateshead Council Martin Gannon told The Lampoon, “I’m well aware that things are different in other countries: the President of the United States is letting everyone do what they like, and Bolsonaro is telling everyone that it’s just a little flu. But if all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it as well?”

“Did you think that you were being cool?” asked North Tyneside Mayor, Norma Redfearn. “Did you think that everyone would like you better if you walked around without a mask, hanging out in groups of more than thirty? Because let me tell you, that sort of behaviour’s impressing no-one.”

The new lockdown measures would limit gatherings, preventing socialising with anyone outside your household, whether at home, in public spaces, or at bars and restaurants. “We know that it may not seem fair,” Durham Council Leader Simon Henig stated, “but this is really is for your own good. You may not be able to understand it now, but I – and the rest of the City Council Leaders – have only your best interests at heart.”

Henig later informed The Lampoon that pubs would still remain open until 10pm, as “we didn’t want you to feel like we were coming down too hard on you. Now, run along, you little scamps.”