Man with “Only God Can Judge Me“ tattoo released on mistrial

In what has been described as a “landmark ruling” by Newcastle’s Crown Court, an individual accused of three counts of grievous bodily harm today walked free. This followed the decision that the sitting circuit judge was unqualified to declare him either guilty or innocent.

The legal team representing Darren Smike, 34, successfully argued that, unless His Honour Judge Swing could prove beyond all reasonable doubt that he was, in fact, the Judeo-Christian God, the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, who will give to the thirsty from the fountain of the water of life without payment, then the case would have to be thrown out.

“This is a triumph of hard evidence over emotional obstinacy,” Mr Smike’s barrister told The Lampoon’s lynching and horsewhipping correspondent. “As my client’s tattoo makes quite plain, any mere mortal, be they a circuit judge, a High Court Judge, or even the Lord Chief Justice himself, is lamentably underqualified to objectively try this case.”

The latest reports from the Crown Court indicate that efforts are being made to contact and commune with the Lord God Almighty. These efforts have allegedly been hampered by the strong possibility that He does not, in any real sense, exist.

“Smike’s tattoo is something of a watertight argument,” one clerk told our reporter. “However, we are doing everything that we can to ensure he does face a real trial, presided over by the one authority that he, by his tattoo’s own admission, must bow to.”

“So far, we’ve sent clerks to various places of worship, with several others going on more ambitious pilgrimages to different holy sites. We’ve also encouraged a couple to start debilitating drug and alcohol habits, because there’s no-one so good at finding God as the ones who’ve fucked everything else up.”

The Judeo-Christian God has had a long career in dispensing judgement upon people all over the world. Notable cases include Job vs. Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, Cain vs. Abel, and Almost Every Person and Animal on the Planet vs. God. One legal scholar opined that they would welcome the opportunity to see Him in action, and was equally eager to see what his eventual plan for “that whole Africa thing” would be.

Featured image: Pixabay

“Jesus has always understood the assignment,” says desperate priest

In a desperate bid to appeal to the youth of today, a local priest has announced “Jesus has always understood the assignment”. He then proceeded to post four pictures of Jesus in different but nevertheless harmless roles, such as getting crucified.

The priest agreed to talk to our faith correspondent, who robs churches and has heard of the Sistine Chapel.

She asked the priest if the process of attracting new followers was degrading, to which he replied “I suppose it is, sis”, while practising TikTok dances.

“Still, we need young people, and it was either this or get way cooler about gay marriage.

“That’s why we’re getting on-board with all the latest Twitter trends. We’ve been doxed three times, and are engaged in intense theological discussion with a man with a furry as his profile picture.”

The strategy is not without its limits, though.

“This does test some of the more traditional members of the cloth,” the priest admitted. “Neil stopped believing in God altogether when we told him what a furry was.”

Featured Image (clockwise from top left): Mennonite Mission Network on YouTube, Look and Learn, James Shepard on Flickr and Hunter Bennett on Flickr. My targeted ads are gonna be so weird this week.