Bloody Hell! Gender-swapped Harry Potter reboot announced

Rumours have been swirling around what JK Rowling would do next to garner attention. In a Lampoon exclusive interview with Rowling herself (since credible journalists will not touch her with a six foot pole, regardless of COVID restrictions), she revealed her latest plans for a gender-swapped reboot of the Harry Potter series.

“I haven’t interfered with the Harry Potter canon in a while so I thought it was time to revisit it with fresh eyes,” Rowling told us while reading letters of protest and throwing them on the fire.

Here are a few of the new and old faces rumoured to join this project.

David Tennant is apparently eyeing up the part of Umbridge, the Ministry Official who increasingly takes over Hogwarts. “David has found a niche for himself in immoral and evil characters,” his agent told us over the phone, “first Marvel’s Kilgrave, then Des, it makes sense that he wants to play as the most evil of them all.”

The role of Dumbledore has yet to be cast, but if rumours are to be believed then JK Rowling has Whoopi Goldberg in mind for the part.

There is an ongoing feud between Millie Bobby Brown and Mckenna Grace as to who will play the titular character, Harriet Potter. Both are recognisable young actresses in Hollywood and each have the potential to inspire yet another reboot after their portrayal. We’ll keep you updated, readers.

What of the original Harriet (wait I mean Harry) Potter, Daniel Radcliffe? He has expressed an interest in the role of Benedict Lestrange which is appropriate since his more recent films are nearly as weird as Lestrange.

Rupert Grint is the only actor who has a confirmed part in this reboot as Gerald Weasley, the brother of Regina Weasley (best friend of Harriet Potter). His role makes sense, as his career has now become as irrelevant as Gerald’s character is in the series.

In spite of all the opposition to this reboot, mainly by the original actors who weren’t recast, everyone will still go see the films and give JK Rowling another few billion pounds. No doubt this money will later go towards another set of 5 films based on another unassuming textbook or book like Beedle the Bard.

Political journalists struggling to discuss current affairs without Harry Potter metaphors

Political correspondents admitted today that they were still “lost and discouraged” at the prospect of framing national and international events on Twitter without referencing Harry Potter.

Laura Shilling, a news professional who is allegedly an adult, told The Lampoon, “It used to be so easy. You’d just call Trump or Putin or whomever Voldemort, accuse Betsy DeVos of being Professor Umbridge and, if you had the characters left, compare the supporters to Death Eaters. In terms of helping people comprehend the nuanced and multifaceted nature of rapidly developing events, it was unparalleled.”

Respected journalists began to distance themselves from JK Rowling, author of a children’s book series about wizards, after the author made several controversial comments, as well as a full essay, lambasting the trans community.

“Well, it’s just not a good look anymore,” said Tom Owens (supposedly 29). “The frantic leaps for ham-fisted representation and the whole thing with the goblins was fine, but after a certain point, it’s not appropriate to use a children’s book series about wizards to frame political discourse.”

When asked what the next step was, Owens admitted that he wasn’t certain. “There’s not a lot of young adult fiction to lean on, honestly. A Series of Unfortunate Events is a bit niche; Redwall doesn’t quite have the post-publication diversity that we look for, and Eragon…well, not Eragon.”

“Honestly, if someone doesn’t come out with some decent children’s novels soon, we’re just going to have to use words like ‘family separation, ‘autocracy’, and ‘undermining the integrity of elections by attacking public resources’. And who the hell is going to understand that?”

Eight films that don’t live up to their title

Like many other unemployed young people, much of my lockdown has been spent working my way through Netflix’s vast treasure trove. Quite soon, though, I realised that the on-demand service really excels at one thing: lying. Here are eight films that really deceived me.

Reservoir Dogs

Maybe expecting aquatic pugs and swimming cockapoos was a bit too much, but surely a labrador wouldn’t have been too hard to get? The closest Tarantino gets to a dog is the multiple cries of “bitch”, and pools of blood don’t seem like a very good substitute for reservoirs to me. Disappointing.

Up

Dodgy characters, the whole lot.

Instead of a heart-warming story about a young boy overcoming his erectile dysfunction, I was instead faced with a load of bollocks about balloons?

Harry Potter

As a lifelong collector of Byzantine vases, I was very excited for a whole franchise detailing the life of an enthusiastic young potter. Imagine my disappointment when I sat through all eight films and was yet to discover a single mention of modern ceramic techniques! Admittedly some of the crockery used in the Great Hall shows a great eye for design, but overall the film evidently just used the “potter” reference in the title to lure in eager ceramics enthusiastic. Appalling!

White Chicks

They really aren’t.

Shrek 2

The first Shrek film was exceptional and its title in no way deceived me. The second instalment, however, has shown me just how treacherous DreamWorks really is! I had eagerly anticipated the return of Donkey, Fiona and the gang, but picture my disappointment when the film only featured one Shrek and not the two that the title promised.

Notting Hill

Largely unfamiliar with London, I was looking forward to educating myself on one of the capital’s hippest districts. This is not a David Attenborough documentary – why on Earth does it feature so many lewd references?! Disgusting. Many recent “geographical” documentaries have similarly let me down – Australia and Madagascar to name a couple.

Free Willy

File under “False Advertisement”

Nope.

Pretty Woman

Julia Robert doesn’t really suit a blonde bob.

Breaking: cancelled people actually erased from history

The Toon Lampoon can reveal that people who are cancelled by people on Twitter are actually sent into the purgatorial abyss between dimensions, and all trace of them is erased from history.

We reached out to find someone who had been cancelled, but couldn’t find anyone, because they never existed in the first place.

An artist’s impression of what the interdimensional abyss might look like

It appears that millions have been wiped from existence in recent years with the rise of ‘cancel culture’.

Author of the famous Harry Potter series, Daniel Radcliffe, told The Lampoon “Thank god I haven’t been cancelled, I’ve heard that transphobia and racism can literally wipe you from this dimensional plane”.

This journalist can agree. Being utterly expunged from history seems pretty bad, but at least it’s not simply being called out for bigoted views and continuing to be able to speak out and have massive wealth.

That would be a real nightmare.