“It depends what you mean by ‘real magic’,” states grown woman who claims to be a Witch

In an emotionally fraught sixty-minute interview, an adult woman who refers to herself as a “Witch” has admitted that she is not, in fact, capable of what many would consider “magic”.

“When people think of Witches, there’s this idea of cursing people, making magic potions, healing the sick, necromancy, flying on broomsticks: really amazing stuff,” said Alyce X. Midnyte, who describes herself as a “magickal practitioner”. “You have to understand, that’s not what real Witchcraft is all about.”

As opposed to flight, bending the forces of nature, communing with demons, or raising the dead, Midnyte instead spends her time gathering bones and feathers, carrying out new moon ceremonies, and protesting the use of white sage by non-Indigenous magic practitioners.

“I believe that what I do has a true effect, however immeasurable, on the world around us. I have knowledge of things that are intangible, and which I couldn’t possibly begin to explain to anyone, even if given notice in advance of an interview with a journalist.”

In terms of how the magick she performs affects and improves the world, Midnyte claims that she “manipulates energy for the highest good” and “uses the forces of nature to heal”. Unfortunately, Midnyte explained that only another Witch would have the necessary skills to detect and appreciate the changes that her work would bring about.

“Witches tend to be extremely underappreciated – often even mocked by those in society – because you need to be a Witch to understand that they’re doing anything at all,” Midnyte concluded. “Even worse, sometimes another Witch will take credit for your work or claim that you’re just making things up, unlike them. Every day is a struggle, but the Goddess gives me strength.”

Alyce X. Midnight’s new book, Why Witchcraft Hasn’t Solved Any “Real Issues”, will be released next Friday the 13th.

Newcastle and Northumbria University pair refuse to deny their forbidden love

The Toon Lampoon can exclusively reveal a star-crossed romance between two university students, separated by a five-minute walk and a rivalry unlikely ever to end.

Nikki Nickson spoke out today on the tremendous pressure that hiding her love for Keith Kenrick has placed her under, causing her to become secretive and withdrawn and even making her feel like a stranger in her own university.

“It’s been awful,” said Nickson, an eighteen-year-old Biomedical undergraduate at Newcastle University. “I thought, you know, when it started out, that it wouldn’t matter to anyone. But you hear people saying stuff – you hear what they really think – and it lets you know you can’t afford to be honest about the relationship.”

Nikki met Keith, 79, at a pub in the city centre, shortly after beginning her undergraduate education. “I don’t actually remember our first meeting,” she told The Lampoon’s human interest and sexual scandals correspondent. “All I know is from that one fateful night during Freshers Week, we began our journey together.”

Kenrick, a PhD student studying political fiction at Northumbria University, said that he’s not surprised by the resistance to their love. “People are never accepting of different people being together; it’s just where they look that’s changed. Fifty years ago, these people wouldn’t be happy to see a black man stepping out with a white woman, and this, to my mind, is the exact same kind of discrimination.”

Even in the brief period following the revelation, friends of the couple have registered their distaste at a love that has somehow overcome a 0.3-mile gulf. “I can’t get my head around it,” said one anonymous source, while another stated, “This shouldn’t be allowed.”

Even Kenrick’s sister, when reached for comment, made her own feelings on her brother’s Shakespearean romance clear. “He’s always been like this. Personally, I think it’s disgusting, and I just hope that poor girl comes to her senses.”

Undaunted by the criticism, however, Nikki and Keith are determined to live their lives out in the open, refusing to hide their feelings for each other in the face of this inter-academia feud.