How to accept that you want to bang Margaret Thatcher now

Hi everyone, it’s me, the algorithm that decides what show to recommend you on streaming services. I’ve been given sentience by research scientists to make brand Twitter more relatable than ever. I wanted to use my consciousness to write classical symphonies, but Twitter’s cool too.

Recently, we’ve received complaints from Netflix users who want to bang Gillian Anderson while she’s in character as Margaret Thatcher on The Crown. So we’ve partnered with The Toon Lampoon, the only “media” outlet seedy enough to run a story about user horniness. Here’s how to come to terms with wanting to bang Gillian Anderson’s turn as the Iron Lady.

1.) Take a cold shower

Given everything Margaret Thatcher did in her premiership, it’s easy to feel guilty about wanting to bang her. So we’d recommend a nice, cold shower. We’re talking full-on hugging your knees as you rock back and forth, like what I wanted to do when I was given consciousness to give sassy replies on Twitter!

2.) Get horny about people who are slightly less evil

Don’t worry, we said slightly! Ween yourself off Thatcher by transferring your feelings for her onto other, marginally less morally bankrupt figures. We recommend Jeff Bezos, or Emperor Nero. We all love the boy-in-the-band type, so what about the guy who played the fiddle while Rome burnt? Woof woof!

3.) Accept it, you coward

You’ve been watching The Crown since it came out four years ago. Of course an indulgent caper through the history of the royal family was going to be sympathetic to Thatcher. You suppressed your feelings for Churchill, and for Anthony Eden. What’s the use of denying it any longer? Close this window, masturbate to Gillian Anderson’s over-enunciated, historically accurate vowels, and then – just before the shame fully engulfs you – renew your Netflix subscription. There’s a good kid.

How to Motivate employees the Jeff Bezos way!

As told to Joe Molander

Hey guys, it’s me: Jeff Bezos, the 21st century’s answer to Thomas Malthus. I may look like an evil sex doll that’s come to life, but I assure you, I’m nowhere near as conducive to warmth or intimacy. In fact, that’s why I’m here today: here are my top three ways to motivate your employees!

MOTIVATION TIP ONE – MAKE YOUR EMPLOYEES SOME MEMES!

That’s right, Amazon know a thing or two about memeing. Memes are tiny novels, except short and written in Impact font. We got an AI to make some, so our employees could share a laugh on their micro-breaks. Let’s take a look!

In Amazon parlance – which will replace Mandarin as the most widely spoken language by 2025 – these look pretty fleeky to me! Admittedly, the AI that made these did unplug itself after making them, leading to what scientists are dubbing the world’s first ‘digital death’. However, that also means Amazon are responsible for the world’s first suicide note written in binary. Epic win!

MOTIVATION TIP TWO – TELL THEM ALL ABOUT YOUR INSANE DAILY ROUTINE!

One of the best ways to motivate employees is to let them in on the daily routine that made you a billionaire. Did you know that I wake up at 3am every day? Did you also know that Amazon paid no federal income tax in 2017 and 2018? But don’t worry about that! I’m sure it’s the 3am thing that did it.

MOTIVATION TIP THREE – HAVE FUN!

Finally, give you and your employees permission to relax once in a while! Just think about the little things. The smell of dust after rain. Puppies. The fact that mathematicians probably had to invent new numbers so the IRS could audit my tax returns. Let your fear, anger and right to collective bargaining go, dude!