Labour’s catastrophic performance in local elections has led party insiders to begrudgingly admit that working class voters don’t feel represented by a literal knight. As such, the party has announced it will be trialling a new strategy, called “opposition”.
The shift to new tactics has not been easy.
“After we got twatted in Hartlepool worse than a hen do, we needed a shake-up,” a member of Labour’s frontbench told The Lampoon. “So now we’re trying these things called… policies?”
“Am I saying that right?”
Another member of Labour’s top brass spoke to The Lampoon’s democracy reporter while soliciting him for sex in an alley.
“We’re aware that the blame for this lies with one man,” they explained between thrusts. “Corbyn.”
“Obviously, Labour’s failures can be chalked up to the guy from whom we’ve spent 14 months loudly disassociating. It’s not that our leader is a man with as much vision and direction as Princess Diana’s chauffeur.”
“Corbyn’s also the reason I have erectile dysfunction,” he added, unprompted.
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Following the suspension of former Leader of the Opposition Jeremy Corbyn from the Labour Party and the removal of the Labour Whip, sources from the left wing of the party have announced that they are “absolutely thrilled”.
“Being suspended from the Labour Party really is a testament to Jeremy Corbyn’s political beliefs and moral character,” a spokesman for Momentum told The Lampoon’s political correspondent. “Just like delivering a Conservative majority at the previous election, Corbyn being suspended for allegedly trying to interfere in an investigation into antisemitism within Labour is another example of him winning the argument.”
This is not the first time that what many see as a political disaster has been touted by Corbyn’s supporters – or even the man himself – as a form of victory. Following the election of 2019, in which the Conservative party gained a landslide majority of eighty seats in the House of Commons, the then Leader of the Labour Party claimed to have “won the arguments and rewritten the terms of political debate“. Now, as then, those to the left of the Labour Party are framing Corbyn’s suspension as a triumph.
“As a Jezhead, I think that the twenty-three reported instances of inappropriate involvement in the complaints process by the Leader of the Opposition’s Office only makes it clear how right he is, and I’m excited for what the future brings,” one source told our correspondent. “Labour civil war? A schism? The party splitting completely? Whatever happens, I can’t wait to win argument after argument against the biggest threat that our nation faces: Keir Starmer and the Blairite scum who follow him.”