Toon Lampoon editors pledge to mock Caitlyn Jenner’s political career “without going all JK Rowling on her”

An emergency strategy meeting has been held at The Lampoon office in the wake of Caitlyn Jenner’s recent gubernatorial announcement. As such, The Lampoon’s editors have stated that the august satire publication will do its best to reduce Jenner to a weeping, self-loathing wreck “without, you know, making fun of… well, you know.”

Writers for The Lampoon agreed that they would not follow in the footsteps of popular children’s author and amateur mystery writer JK Rowling. Rowling has gone on record to state that trans women only transition in order to get into women’s bathrooms and the governor’s mansion of California.

This follows her claim that, six years after the events of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Ron briefly considered having an affair with Padma Patil but decided he’d not be able to cope with concealing the indiscretion.

In an interview with The Lampoon, a spokesperson for the Jenner campaign team stated that the Keeping Up with the Kardashians alumnus was looking forward to The Lampoon‘s coverage.

“Caitlyn is as enthusiastic and prepared as she is brave and beautiful,” a spokesperson for her campaign told our reporter. “We’re ready to run a strong campaign: to put our foot on the gas and drive right through whatever obstacles are in our way, whether it’s a Prius, a Lexus, or a 69-year-old woman.”

Our reporter also asked whether Jenner was ready to join figures such as Candace Owens and Milo Yiannopoulos as the entire Republican Party’s “my {insert minority here} friend”.

The Jenner campaign replied that Jenner was looking forward to not being attacked by the American right wing for her gender identity. Instead, the campaign spokesperson said, she was relishing the thought of instead being attacked from the left, for being a literal car crash of a human being.

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Bloody Hell! Gender-swapped Harry Potter reboot announced

Rumours have been swirling around what JK Rowling would do next to garner attention. In a Lampoon exclusive interview with Rowling herself (since credible journalists will not touch her with a six foot pole, regardless of COVID restrictions), she revealed her latest plans for a gender-swapped reboot of the Harry Potter series.

“I haven’t interfered with the Harry Potter canon in a while so I thought it was time to revisit it with fresh eyes,” Rowling told us while reading letters of protest and throwing them on the fire.

Here are a few of the new and old faces rumoured to join this project.

David Tennant is apparently eyeing up the part of Umbridge, the Ministry Official who increasingly takes over Hogwarts. “David has found a niche for himself in immoral and evil characters,” his agent told us over the phone, “first Marvel’s Kilgrave, then Des, it makes sense that he wants to play as the most evil of them all.”

The role of Dumbledore has yet to be cast, but if rumours are to be believed then JK Rowling has Whoopi Goldberg in mind for the part.

There is an ongoing feud between Millie Bobby Brown and Mckenna Grace as to who will play the titular character, Harriet Potter. Both are recognisable young actresses in Hollywood and each have the potential to inspire yet another reboot after their portrayal. We’ll keep you updated, readers.

What of the original Harriet (wait I mean Harry) Potter, Daniel Radcliffe? He has expressed an interest in the role of Benedict Lestrange which is appropriate since his more recent films are nearly as weird as Lestrange.

Rupert Grint is the only actor who has a confirmed part in this reboot as Gerald Weasley, the brother of Regina Weasley (best friend of Harriet Potter). His role makes sense, as his career has now become as irrelevant as Gerald’s character is in the series.

In spite of all the opposition to this reboot, mainly by the original actors who weren’t recast, everyone will still go see the films and give JK Rowling another few billion pounds. No doubt this money will later go towards another set of 5 films based on another unassuming textbook or book like Beedle the Bard.

Political journalists struggling to discuss current affairs without Harry Potter metaphors

Political correspondents admitted today that they were still “lost and discouraged” at the prospect of framing national and international events on Twitter without referencing Harry Potter.

Laura Shilling, a news professional who is allegedly an adult, told The Lampoon, “It used to be so easy. You’d just call Trump or Putin or whomever Voldemort, accuse Betsy DeVos of being Professor Umbridge and, if you had the characters left, compare the supporters to Death Eaters. In terms of helping people comprehend the nuanced and multifaceted nature of rapidly developing events, it was unparalleled.”

Respected journalists began to distance themselves from JK Rowling, author of a children’s book series about wizards, after the author made several controversial comments, as well as a full essay, lambasting the trans community.

“Well, it’s just not a good look anymore,” said Tom Owens (supposedly 29). “The frantic leaps for ham-fisted representation and the whole thing with the goblins was fine, but after a certain point, it’s not appropriate to use a children’s book series about wizards to frame political discourse.”

When asked what the next step was, Owens admitted that he wasn’t certain. “There’s not a lot of young adult fiction to lean on, honestly. A Series of Unfortunate Events is a bit niche; Redwall doesn’t quite have the post-publication diversity that we look for, and Eragon…well, not Eragon.”

“Honestly, if someone doesn’t come out with some decent children’s novels soon, we’re just going to have to use words like ‘family separation, ‘autocracy’, and ‘undermining the integrity of elections by attacking public resources’. And who the hell is going to understand that?”