Democrats face “uphill struggle” with giant abortion ray amendment to infrastructure bill

The challenges faced by Democratic Senators continue this week, as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has signalled his party’s intention to vote down the upcoming Infrastructure bill, following an amendment that would see 6% of taxes funnelled towards the construction of a giant abortion ray.

“We consider the cost of the creation, operation, and maintenance of a giant abortion ray to be utterly nonsensical,” McConnell told our reporter. “It’s just another example of the spend-spend-spend attitude of our colleagues on the other side of the aisle.”

“It’s this kind of inability to approach matters realistically that has led to such a partisan attitude within the Senate,” the Minority Leader continued. “It’s all very well to say, ‘we want a giant abortion ray implanted into the head of the Statue of Liberty’, but what they’re really saying is, ‘we want business owners to fund a giant abortion ray implanted into the Statue of Liberty’.”

Meanwhile, even spokespersons for President Biden have indicated that the Executive Branch considers plans to turn the Statue of Liberty into a colossal, glowing-eyed guardian on the nation’s shores, capable of causing instantaneous abortions with millimetre-level accuracy in all fifty states, to be overly ambitious considering the current fiscal climate.

“America is a nation where dreams can come true,” White House Press Correspondent Jen Psaki told The Toon Lampoon, “and the President would never try to stand in the way of the dream of progress, nor between a woman and her right to choose to terminate her unwanted pregnancy using a giant abortion ray.”

“However, the Office of the President of the United States would advise exploring less bold methods, such as employing the services of two drunken clowns, each wielding a comically-oversized mallet. Republicans have already signalled that they would be willing to move forwards with this bill under these circumstances.”

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, however, has remained firm in his commitment to place a giant abortion ray in the head of the Statue of Liberty.

“In the name of progress, in the name of democracy, it is paramount that every American is able to access the full range of options that should be available to them,” he told The Toon Lampoon, “whether Democrat, Republican, or simply an au pair that made certain promises to her employer that she sure seems to be taking her sweet time with.”

Image: Pixabay

Biden reportedly backhanding any aide who says the word “Palestine”

Reports from inside the White House have revealed that any aide who such much as alludes to the existence of Palestine will get “a five-finger fuck you” from the 46th President of the United States.

As tensions between Israel and Palestine worsen in Gaza, President Joseph Biden has voiced his objections to any first-strike policy. The one exception, though, is the Commander in Chief bringing his pimp hand out to play if someone should so much as think the word “Palestine”.

This report comes just hours after it was revealed that Biden had ordered all maps within both the White House and the Pentagon to have “Israel” written over the Gaza Strip. Meanwhile, the State of Palestine has been painted over in a “soothing taupe colour”.

The United States’ relationship with Israel has long come under international criticism. Even Biden’s most ardent supporters had not expected much deviation in policy when it comes to the nature of this alliance. However, the President’s new policy of loud humming and the occasional backhand has attracted rebukes from a variety of figures.

“When even Gal Gadot is acting like the Palestinian people might just have a right to live without having to dodge rockets on a daily basis, you may need to reconsider your stance,” Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

The Republican Party has issued its own caustic rebuke of Biden’s inaction on the growing conflict. They creatively used the same format and fill-in-the-blank gaps as their previous criticisms of Democratic Presidents.

Featured Image: Flickr

Biden’s progressive start earns him one free genocide, claims left

As 46th President Joseph Biden reaches the end of his first 100 days in office, members of the progressive wing of the Democratic Party have claimed that the open-mindedness that has characterised this period means that the President has earned the right to drive an entire nationality or culture of people into outright extinction.

Speaking to the press outside Capitol Hill, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez outlined the proposal.

“What President Biden has done with his first 100 days in office has truly gone beyond what I believe anyone on the left wing of the Democratic Party expected,” she told The Toon Lampoon. “The effort he had made to be a President for every American, as well as his recognition of the Armenian Genocide, is truly noble, and has more than earned him the right to herd a bunch of foreigners into camps or simply firebomb their cities with all the divine fury of American aggression.”

Republicans have signalled their opposition to any legislation that would allow President Biden to carry out a remorseless campaign of ethnic cleansing, a stance which sources close to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell claim stems from the GOP’s reluctance to show any approval for Biden’s performance.

“Look, usually we’d be all up in the chance to wipe an ethnic minority off the face of the globe like a pig in shit,” an anonymous GOP source told our reporter. “But the fact is, we can’t afford to show any support for the President’s actions. As much as our voters would love to put weeping South American children in concentration camps again, signalling that we in any way approve of what Biden is doing would be too high a price for them.”

Sources inside the White House have indicated that, should the legislation pass through both Houses via a simple majority, President Biden looks forward to taking the helm of a massive systematic campaign of extermination against the Armenian people, which experts predict would go a long way to healing the current democratic rift between the United States and Turkey.

Coma patient from 2014 wakes up, thinks Obama is dead

Our US correspondent, when in hospital for injuries sustained after fighting a rabid squirrel, came across the story of a coma patient who had woken up only today. Instead of respecting doctor-patient privileges, they listened in to the whole exchange and decided to report for you, our dear readers.

The coma patient was supposedly woken up by the partying of nurses, still celebrating Biden’s ascension as President of the United States. The patient, mildly confused, asked what the fuss was all about. The patient then saw the cake which in this instance was not a lie: HAPPY JOE BIDEN INAUGURATION DAY!

“OH MY GOD IS OBAMA DEAD?!” the coma patient asked.

This confused the nurses, who had seen Obama alive on the TV mere moments ago.

“Why would Obama be dead?”

“It says Biden, the Vice President, is being inaugurated as President! But Obama is President! Unless he was impeached over that whole Benghazi or IRS or Fast and Furious gun scheme stuff, he must be dead if Biden is President!”

The coma patient’s mistake was soon cleared up as the nurses informed them it was now 2021, 7 years had passed since they fell into a coma and there was a brief (thank god it wasn’t any longer) interlude of Trump as President. The patient seemed amused at the prospect of the ex-host-of-the-apprentice-USA becoming President, which is pretty heartless considering Trump as President was not amusing whatsoever except when it came to his grammatic gaffes (our finest codebreakers are still trying to decode ‘covfefe’). The patient then remarked:

“So Obama basically has a third term as President through Biden right? Pretty smart that.”

Our reporter was unable to discover what happened next but rumour has it that one of the nurses bitch-slapped the coma patient so hard that they are back in their coma. The same nurse has since been recruited to work in the same sex shop we here at The Toon Lampoon work in as a trainee dominatrix. It truly is a new dawn for everyone.

Biden family finds White House “riddled” with Home Alone-esque booby traps

The Biden family encountered difficulties while moving into the White House following President Joe Biden’s inauguration on Wednesday. Eyewitnesses reported hearing “screams, whizzes, bangs and small explosions” coming from the residence only minutes after the President’s arrival.

An FBI investigation the following day revealed that hundreds of booby traps had been meticulously inserted throughout the White House by the Trump administration. Nail guns in flowerpots and pits beneath rugs were found in surplus.

“I walked in the door and hot glue sprayed in my eye,” President Biden told The Lampoon, “The place is absolutely riddled. I only just swerved out of the way of the swinging axes in the doorway of the Oval Office.”

President Biden was not the only victim of the traps. First Lady Dr. Jill Biden allegedly had her eyebrows scorched off by a flamethrower hidden inside the White House coffee machine.

“The booby traps were bad enough,” the First Lady added, “But the faecal matter smeared all across the walls? That was a step too far.”

“Needless to say it was a messy affair,” White House janitor Michael Mopinbuckett told our reporter on the scene. “Cleaning the walls took me all day. Then I found out that all thirty-five of the White House’s toilets had been clingfilmed. Fifteen of them were used before I was alerted.”

Reports from the FBI indicate that contraband was also discovered under the floorboards of the Oval Office. Allegedly, President Trump kept a stash of over 27 kilograms of fake tan.

FBI officials on the scene refused to comment beyond a single statement, declaring the stunt the “craziest shit [they’d] ever seen.”

“People think President Donald Trump’s appearance on Home Alone 2: Lost in New York was just a small gig!” Donald Trump lookalike and Twitter-user Ronald Tmurp stated the same day on the social media platform. “Wrong! I learned a trick or two from Macaulay Culkin. Sorry, I mean he learned.”

Americans wake up the morning after Biden’s inauguration to find the nation hasn’t miraculously healed overnight

Citizens across the United States have been horrified to wake up the day after President Joe Biden was inaugurated to find that their country looks, well, basically the same.

In his speech on Capitol Hill, Biden addressed the four crises currently facing the US: the COVID-19 pandemic, the resultant economic slump, the climate emergency and the country’s institutional racism. These were themes prevalent in his election campaigning, too

But, 20 hours into his presidency, Americans woke up the next morning to find the country very much the same, except someone new had taken over the @POTUS Twitter account.

“I thought the sun would be shining, the birds would be singing, and both COVID and racism would be gone,” Biden campaigner Hilarie Clinten told The Toon Lampoon. “But it’s still January, the birds have migrated south because of climate change, and COVID and racism are still destroying our nation. This wasn’t what we were promised.”

“Our toilet’s still broken, and the plumber says he doesn’t have an opening ’til next week. Plus, they’ve ran out of strawberry Pop-Tarts at my local Walmart. It’s a shambles.”

Clinten isn’t the only only disappointed by the new administration.

“It sucks,” disgraced former president Donald Trump, dressing gown-clad on his balcony in Mar-a-Lago, shouted to anyone who would listen. “Biden is just letting this country down. The people are so bigly disappointed.”

In his first 24 hours in office, Biden signed a slew of executive orders. The US will be rejoining the WHO, signing onto the Paris Accord, and overturning Trump’s travel ban on majority-Muslim countries. But, as we all know from our experience at The Toon Lampoon creating a petition to get us recognised as the official Newcastle University student paper, just signing your name doesn’t get you very far.

“We expected massive assault rifles shooting out COVID vaccines, football pitch-sized vacuums sucking all the pollution out of the air, and money falling from the sky,” Clinten explained. “There’s been none of that.”

Biden has also disappointed his new citizens with his underwhelming Twitter presence, too. No exclamation marks have appeared in his tweets so far, and capital letters have only been used where grammatically necessary.

Americans are waiting with bated breath to see whether the new president does bring real change beyond just a subdued social media presence.

Featured image: Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons

Death Star’s new Grand Moff offers the galaxy ‘a renewed hope’

A long time ago, in a gallery far, far away, Darth Sleepijo was admiring some art. A man of deep empathy and compassion, Sleepijo would regularly visit art galleries, read poetry, and even recite the writings of Naboo poet Omar Berenko while force-choking his subordinates. He had great aspirations, having been a Darth for many years, during which time he passed bills to limit the freedoms of minority planets and increase the intergalactic incarceration rate exponentially.

While Darth Sleepijo waited for his chance to really make a difference to the galaxy, to bring his hopeful and empathetic approach to the commandment of the dark side, the cosmos trembled under the tyrannical reign of Grand Moff Grabembythe. His divisive leadership style exacerbated intergalactic tensions, and incited damaging attacks to the Empire from both Rebel and Imperial forces. It was truly a dark time for the dark side.

But at long last, the Death Star is under a new administration. Today, the galaxy witnessed the return of a Galactic Empire that really cares about the planets it destroys, one that will finally cease their blatantly self-serving destructive agenda, in favour of a slightly less blatant self-serving destructive agenda.

The ceremony itself was a smaller affair than usual, but still had plenty of ceremonial performances of the Imperial March, interspersed between some unexpected moments: Figrin D’an and The Modal Nodes arrived, for example, to perform a stirring rendition of ‘This superweapon is my superweapon, this superweapon is your superweapon.’

Sleepijo gave a well-received speech, calling for unity across the Galactic Empire; although, the crowd did pull back when he stated that “Whenever we work together, we do not fail. The Death Star has been through tough times, but it has never, ever, ever, been destroyed. This ship is indestructible.”

But it was Santos Bel-Pak, poet laureate of Kooriva, who gave the most spectacular oratorical performance. Quoted below is some of his piece:

When day comes we ask ourselves:
“Where can we find light,
In this never-ending shade?”
With a rebel force to fight
Can solid Empires be made?
We’ve blazed our way with lazers
Through the planets of betrayers,
Laid waste to traitors in this, our Star of Death;
But are we left with much to bargain with
If the system we are ruling through
Is an instrument of harm?
And yet
We are the best star to light a night sky,
To guide, to provide;
We lead not by the power of example,
But by our towering, ample power.
Water cleanses: let’s keep showering
Unwashed worlds with our Stormtroopers.
Just watch our lightning, brightening the future.
When day comes we ask ourselves:
“Where can we find light,
In this never-ending shade?”
I promise you today,
You’ll find it where our leader’s heart resides;
Our beacon of new hope is shining from the dark side.’

[EDITORS NOTE: Poetry? You know the rules Deery. Report to the courtyard for your lashings at your earliest convenience.]

Woman who voted for elderly racist has no idea how right she is that things “back to normal”

A local woman who voted for Joe Biden was more right than she realised when she cheerily told her friends that “things are back to normal”.

In voting for a man with a sexual assault allegation and a history of aiding mass incarceration, opposing busing and supporting war, things really are back on track for the same old America.

The woman made the remark about things being normal before checking for updates on something that is quite colloquially called a “national lockdown”. The lockdown follows the advent of a pandemic that has reached almost every corner of the globe.

The Lampoon trusts that the woman understands these comments are only meant in jest. There are, of course, several normal things to focus on, like environmental collapse or the resurgence of the civil rights movement.

The woman’s friend corroborated her report, telling The Lampoon, “It really is a great time for people in my exact socioeconomic position.”

Satirists dismayed they’re going to have to start trying again

Satire writers across the world are alarmed at Joe Biden’s election victory. With Donald Trump on the way out, they are once again going to have to put some effort into making the world seem insane.

The mood has been decidedly shaky across the world’s best satire outlets, and The Toon Lampoon. One satirist asked our reporter “What are we gonna do now?”

“Trump made things easy. We could report the facts and they’d be too weird not to call satire, but what’s weird about the world after the election?”

“All we have now is a climate meltdown, civil rights movement, global pandemic and staggering wealth inequality.”

“I miss the old days, of war and slightly less staggering wealth inequality. That was a great time to be writing satire.”

Begrudging comedy writers are sobering up to the fact that for the next four years, it might be back to the standards.

“Pretending to be shocked that Biden is racist, and just hoping for an Obama-era scandal. Like a tan suit, or bombing a hospital,” a comedy writer told The Lampoon. “You know, something normal.”

Trump wins bigly with 117% of the vote

President-for-life Donald Trump has granted The Toon Lampoon exclusive permission, out of all the liberal fake news sites, to report on his second election victory and subsequent eternal reign. We can neither confirm nor deny that this is related to The Lampoon’s known stance as a paid propaganda rag for Boris Johnson.

The corrupt, big government-supporting blue states had their unfairly-stolen electoral college seats redistributed to the guns n’ freedom-loving red states that truly earned them by being real Americans. Our America correspondent reported that this was to prevent the commie Demonrats committing electoral fraud by counting anti-American votes, but we have not been able to verify this as he disappeared mysteriously shortly after someone retweeted a post he made comparing glorious leader Donald I’s hair to a dead cat. We asked one of the Proud Boys guarding the polling stations if he knew where our correspondent had gone, but he just made us sing The Star-Spangled Banner really fast to prove we weren’t illegal immigrants.

With such an enormous margin of victory, it is clear that God-Emperor Trump is beloved by all true Americans and only illegal immigrants or Satanic deep state paedophiles dared to vote against him. With the socialist House of Representatives finally shut down while the eternal ruler finds new conservative politicians to replace the now “deported” Demonrats, Trump will finally be able to get around to his election policies of turning China into a private car park and putting America’s failed communist government programs under the competent business administration of his various family members, freeing up more tax money to be spent on keeping the fallout barrier along the Mexican border as strong as ever.

The last surviving Democrat voter told The Lampoon that it would have been worse if Trump had achieved the 160% majority he was predicted against Sanders