Man with “Only God Can Judge Me“ tattoo released on mistrial

In what has been described as a “landmark ruling” by Newcastle’s Crown Court, an individual accused of three counts of grievous bodily harm today walked free. This followed the decision that the sitting circuit judge was unqualified to declare him either guilty or innocent.

The legal team representing Darren Smike, 34, successfully argued that, unless His Honour Judge Swing could prove beyond all reasonable doubt that he was, in fact, the Judeo-Christian God, the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, who will give to the thirsty from the fountain of the water of life without payment, then the case would have to be thrown out.

“This is a triumph of hard evidence over emotional obstinacy,” Mr Smike’s barrister told The Lampoon’s lynching and horsewhipping correspondent. “As my client’s tattoo makes quite plain, any mere mortal, be they a circuit judge, a High Court Judge, or even the Lord Chief Justice himself, is lamentably underqualified to objectively try this case.”

The latest reports from the Crown Court indicate that efforts are being made to contact and commune with the Lord God Almighty. These efforts have allegedly been hampered by the strong possibility that He does not, in any real sense, exist.

“Smike’s tattoo is something of a watertight argument,” one clerk told our reporter. “However, we are doing everything that we can to ensure he does face a real trial, presided over by the one authority that he, by his tattoo’s own admission, must bow to.”

“So far, we’ve sent clerks to various places of worship, with several others going on more ambitious pilgrimages to different holy sites. We’ve also encouraged a couple to start debilitating drug and alcohol habits, because there’s no-one so good at finding God as the ones who’ve fucked everything else up.”

The Judeo-Christian God has had a long career in dispensing judgement upon people all over the world. Notable cases include Job vs. Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, Cain vs. Abel, and Almost Every Person and Animal on the Planet vs. God. One legal scholar opined that they would welcome the opportunity to see Him in action, and was equally eager to see what his eventual plan for “that whole Africa thing” would be.

Featured image: Pixabay

Local cat burglar to have testicles removed

Newcastle Crown Court made history today as it handed down a first-of-its-kind sentence. After deliberating for over three hours, burglar Larry Thomas was condemned to undergo a surgical procedure that would see his testicles amputated.

Commenting on this landmark event in British judicial history, Judge Tom Clarence told The Lampoon, “This was not a sentence that I passed lightly, nor out of a desire for any kind of notoriety. Following the principles of British justice, I applied the most appropriate penalty for what has been a litany of misdeeds.”

Larry Thomas, 128 in cat years, is thought to be responsible for over thirty instances of breaking and entering and has been linked to the theft of items including a crystal chandelier, an Austrian heiress’s tiara, and twenty-seven gallons of premium cream. Police were eventually able to charge Thomas after the discovery of what they described as a “calling card”: puddles of urine left at the scene of every crime.

“Mr Thomas has had many opportunities to change his behaviour,” Judge Clarence stated in his summation. “It is clear that neither his better judgement nor his moral compass is capable of keeping his criminal urges in check. Therefore, it is this court’s opinion that surgery is the best option. Once castrated, Mr Thomas will be less aggressive and less likely to develop abscesses. Combined with the limiting effect on the size of his territory and his propensity to roam, it is my hope that this will see the end of his criminal career.”

Larry Thomas’ legal representative told The Lampoon, “This is not the sentence that we were hoping for, and we will, of course, be making an appeal. I’m sure that, in front of a more measured and seasoned expert, my client will be able to retain possession of one, perhaps one-and-a-half, of his testicles.”