Death Star’s new Grand Moff offers the galaxy ‘a renewed hope’

A long time ago, in a gallery far, far away, Darth Sleepijo was admiring some art. A man of deep empathy and compassion, Sleepijo would regularly visit art galleries, read poetry, and even recite the writings of Naboo poet Omar Berenko while force-choking his subordinates. He had great aspirations, having been a Darth for many years, during which time he passed bills to limit the freedoms of minority planets and increase the intergalactic incarceration rate exponentially.

While Darth Sleepijo waited for his chance to really make a difference to the galaxy, to bring his hopeful and empathetic approach to the commandment of the dark side, the cosmos trembled under the tyrannical reign of Grand Moff Grabembythe. His divisive leadership style exacerbated intergalactic tensions, and incited damaging attacks to the Empire from both Rebel and Imperial forces. It was truly a dark time for the dark side.

But at long last, the Death Star is under a new administration. Today, the galaxy witnessed the return of a Galactic Empire that really cares about the planets it destroys, one that will finally cease their blatantly self-serving destructive agenda, in favour of a slightly less blatant self-serving destructive agenda.

The ceremony itself was a smaller affair than usual, but still had plenty of ceremonial performances of the Imperial March, interspersed between some unexpected moments: Figrin D’an and The Modal Nodes arrived, for example, to perform a stirring rendition of ‘This superweapon is my superweapon, this superweapon is your superweapon.’

Sleepijo gave a well-received speech, calling for unity across the Galactic Empire; although, the crowd did pull back when he stated that “Whenever we work together, we do not fail. The Death Star has been through tough times, but it has never, ever, ever, been destroyed. This ship is indestructible.”

But it was Santos Bel-Pak, poet laureate of Kooriva, who gave the most spectacular oratorical performance. Quoted below is some of his piece:

When day comes we ask ourselves:
“Where can we find light,
In this never-ending shade?”
With a rebel force to fight
Can solid Empires be made?
We’ve blazed our way with lazers
Through the planets of betrayers,
Laid waste to traitors in this, our Star of Death;
But are we left with much to bargain with
If the system we are ruling through
Is an instrument of harm?
And yet
We are the best star to light a night sky,
To guide, to provide;
We lead not by the power of example,
But by our towering, ample power.
Water cleanses: let’s keep showering
Unwashed worlds with our Stormtroopers.
Just watch our lightning, brightening the future.
When day comes we ask ourselves:
“Where can we find light,
In this never-ending shade?”
I promise you today,
You’ll find it where our leader’s heart resides;
Our beacon of new hope is shining from the dark side.’

[EDITORS NOTE: Poetry? You know the rules Deery. Report to the courtyard for your lashings at your earliest convenience.]

Inspiring: Kamala Harris channels serious girlboss energy with “War Crimes: For Her” ad campaign

Multi-millionaire woman of the people Kamala Harris has today wowed fans and critics alike with her bold new advertising campaign. To ease concerns that she may not be a sufficiently progressive Vice President, she has today announced the “War Crimes: For Her” campaign.

“William Golding wrote about the ‘darkness of man’s heart’ like it was the worst thing in the world. Clearly, no-one told him about women’s hearts!” she asked, laughing. “Take me: I can be pretty brutal when I haven’t had my morning coffee, or when I defend the unconstitutional treatment of a transgender prisoner.”

Her first billboard sets the tone nicely:

Image: Joe Molander and Wikimedia Commons

Harris told The Lampoon that “The idea that women can’t be neo-colonialist actors in the destablisation of the most politically and economically unstable parts of the world is absurd. We want girls up and down America to look at the atrocities committed in the Congo and Chile and think ‘alright boys: now it’s my go’.”

Image: Joe Molander and Store norske leksikon

Upon seeing this billboard, our reporter asked Harris if she was at all concerned about being perceived as having too aggressive a plan for foreign policy. She refused to answer the question directly. When pressed, she giggled and said “Just remember I’ll be in the one in the Oval Office without dementia”.

Image: Joe Molander and Wikimedia Commons

Harris told our reporter “Having a sister, I know how hard it can be to share. That’s why I’ll make sure as Vice President that we share the Oval Office with everyone in the military-industrial complex, regardless of gender!”

Harris agreed to show us one more billboard which was rejected at an early concept stage, after we told her how low our readership was:

Image: Joe Molander, senyorajie on Tumblr and Wikimedia Commons

“Even with his memory fading, Joe can quote George Bush’s autobiography from memory,” Harris told our reporter, unprompted.

Nation preparing for SNL skit where Pence and Harris battle rap or whatever

The nation was left reeling today in the aftermath of the US Vice Presidential debate. Criticised as vacuous and featuring Mike Pence talking, horrified viewers realised they would have to watch it all over again on Saturday Night Live.

This time, though, it would be through the lens of “satire”.

“I just know the musical guest will be Ice Cube, and he’ll team up with Kamala Harris and they’ll both turn to Mike Pence and sing Straight Outta Fucks to Give,” a concerned viewer told The Lampoon.

The skit promises to be made all the more unbearable by the show’s hoards of centre-left liberal fans. In fairness, it’s easy to confuse holding Pence to account – a homophobe who works for a ‘performative fascist’ – with being snide on Twitter.

The writing process for the sketch comedy show is a closely-guarded secret. Insiders claim an AI is made to read a hundred knock-knock jokes, and then talk to your aunt who wants Michelle Obama to be president.

Afterwards, it is made to write a hundred pages of script. The final product is selected from the ten smuggest pages.

The ten least funny pages are sent straight to The Toon Lampoon, as a sort of charity. The ten funniest pages are burned.