Keir Starmer champions British values, smashes up bus stop

Labour Leader Keir Starmer has today proven his tireless dedication to British values by smashing up a bus stop in Birmingham.

The incident took place after a respectful debate with Angela Rayner in a pub, wherein she smashed a pool cue against his head.

A witness remarked, as a pint glass whizzed past her head, “The two of them tumbled out into the car park outside, and that’s when Keir locked wide, mad eyes with the bus shelter. It’s proven to me how wrong I was.”

“Before this afternoon, the way he held a press conference every time he got a poll lead reminded me of a pensioner cheering every time he sustained an erection. Now, I see he’s a red-blooded patriot, just like you or me.”

“If he breaks enough laws, who knows? Maybe he’ll be prime minister.”

The incident was confirmed by a number of party insiders, namely the stag party that joined in.

Featured image: UK Parliament on Flickr

Labour confirms that Starmer’s appetites cannot be sated by the death of a single alpaca

In an interview with The Toon Lampoon, a spokesperson for the Labour Party today admitted that Keir Starmer’s bloodlust, now roused, will not be satisfied until at least six alpacas have been slaughtered.

“The Leader of the Labour Party’s position is clear,” the spokesperson told our reporters. “He is tough on alpacas, and tough on the causes of alpacas. That is, other alpacas.”

“One has been delivered: five more must be selected.”

Starmer’s anti-alpaca agenda recently came under scrutiny in August, where he publicly backed the Government’s decision to euthanise Geronimo, an alpaca suffering from bovine tuberculosis.

Now, it seems, the Labour Party leader is pushing for a more aggressive stance on alpacas, signalled in a Tweet yesterday evening that read: “ALL MUST SUBMIT. ALL MUST BE CONSUMED. I WILL FEAST.”

“Keir Starmer is a practical politician for this age,” the spokesperson clarified. “His desire to limit the possibility of bovine TB in this country is at odds with the laissez-faire attitude of the Prime Minister, whose wishy-washy attitude towards COVID-19 has caused irreparable damage to the nation.”

“The fact that he attempted on multiple occasions to break into Geronimo’s enclosure, bared to his ankles with a knife between his teeth, is simply an indication of how seriously Mr Starmer takes this biological threat.”

The Toon Lampoon was unable to secure an interview with Keir Starmer, who is reportedly under heavy sedation and under 24-hour guard.

“We’ve tried lowering llamas down there to see if that does anything,” the spokesperson commented. “But, unfortunately, he knows the difference. Somehow, in the depths of his mania, he knows.”

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Keir Starmer “takes full responsibility” for search for elections scapegoat

In a revealing interview with The Toon Lampoon, Keir Starmer has pledged that he and he alone will shoulder the heavy burden of finding someone to blame for Labour’s disappointing performance in local elections.

“It’s obvious that something is wrong in our approach,” Starmer told our reporter. “The people of the country were shown what was on offer, and many of them used their democratic vote to categorically reject the most visible element of the Labour Party.”

“I promise that I will not rest until I find out what, or who, that element is.”

Labour supporters faced a grim Friday. The loss of Hartlepool’s parliamentary seat was compounded by Labour surrendering its majority in Durham County Council for the first time in a century.

Corbynite elements within the Party are proclaiming the affair to be just another example of the former Labour leader “winning the argument, you swish, Blairite bastard”.

Starmer was met with further derision following his response to Labour’s dismal performance, where he sacked party chair Angela Rayner, anyone “who looks a bit too Marxist”, and your dad. But, the leader of the Labour Party claimed, he planned to take full responsibility for blaming any other viable targets.

“Being a leader means stepping up and putting yourself in the firing line,” Starmer told The Lampoon. “And in the spirit, I plan to fire a whole line full of people until the electorate realise what an amazing leader I am and stop banging on about ‘opposition’.”

The Labour leader concluded the interview by blaming our reporter for the disappointing local election results. He then fired our reporter from his role as John McDonnell’s body double for scenes featuring graphic nudity.

Featured Image: Wikimedia Commons

Local election outrage as working class don’t feel represented by literal knight

Labour’s catastrophic performance in local elections has led party insiders to begrudgingly admit that working class voters don’t feel represented by a literal knight. As such, the party has announced it will be trialling a new strategy, called “opposition”.

The shift to new tactics has not been easy.

“After we got twatted in Hartlepool worse than a hen do, we needed a shake-up,” a member of Labour’s frontbench told The Lampoon. “So now we’re trying these things called… policies?”

“Am I saying that right?”

Another member of Labour’s top brass spoke to The Lampoon’s democracy reporter while soliciting him for sex in an alley.

“We’re aware that the blame for this lies with one man,” they explained between thrusts. “Corbyn.”

“Obviously, Labour’s failures can be chalked up to the guy from whom we’ve spent 14 months loudly disassociating. It’s not that our leader is a man with as much vision and direction as Princess Diana’s chauffeur.”

“Corbyn’s also the reason I have erectile dysfunction,” he added, unprompted.

Featured Image: Wikimedia Commons

BBC rejects bias accusations after calling Keir Starmer “a shiftless tw*t”

The BBC has spoken out against the latest accusations of political bias, refusing to retract an article that referred to Keir Starmer as “a shiftless twat”.

The article, which also levelled charges of gross incompetence and squirrel sodomy against the Labour Party leader, was the latest in a series of scorching editorials that lambasted Starmer for what has been described by many as “divisive behaviour” and by the BBC as “conduct that deserves nothing less than death via the blood eagle method of execution”.

When confronted with allegations that the article represented an active attempt to undermine the Labour Party while providing active support for the current administration, the Director-General of the BBC offered no apologies.

“The BBC has always been a non-partisan and politically neutral body,” he told The Toon Lampoon’s political catfight correspondent. “The content of that article could in no way be taken as either defamation or as biased in any form. We do not owe an apology to anyone, whether that is our readers, the Labour Party, or the deranged, slavering mutant that currently stands at its head.”

In response to the article, Keir Starmer has ejected seventeen Corbyn loyalists from the Labour Party and reportedly plans to order MPs to abstain on the next twenty-five Parliamentary Bills.

Keir Starmer pivots to swing voters by abolishing the Labour Party

Leader of the Opposition Sir Keir Starmer has today tried to appeal to undecided voters and moderates by abolishing the Labour Party. The move comes alongside a proposal to rename the Opposition as ‘the government, but slightly cross about it’.

Starmer was not available for comment, owing to the overwhelming failure of any Lampoon writer to gain security clearance. A Labour insider, however, did agree to speak to us on the condition of anonymity, to prevent her friends from finding out she works for Labour.

“We have to give the people what they want. The government have been doing a great job given the circumstances, so it‘s not unreasonable for us to take our cues from them.”

“That’s why we’re destroying the Labour Party. People say that Labour‘s forgotten its roots, but here, we’ve really been influenced by Neil Kinnock.”

Starmer’s latest series of policy proposals are meant to prove to the electorate that Labour means business, specifically big business.

Our reporter suggested to the Labour insider that Starmer could appeal to more voters by providing a spirited opposition to the government. The Lampoon wishes her a speedy recovery from the head injury she acquired from fainting moments later.

Featured image: Wikimedia Commons

Keir Starmer stands in sabb elections just to feel electable

Keir Starmer has announced he will stand for a sabbatical officer role in the Newcastle University Students’ Union just so he can feel electable. He plans to run on whatever platform his opponent is running on, but slightly more left-wing.

Starmer agreed to talk to our reporter, after she disguised herself as a Telegraph journalist and promised to say nice things about him. Starmer told her he had a great track record of being electable.

“I waved a Union Jack around for weeks and gained a whole three points in the polls,” he said. “And holding onto that poll lead was the best five hours of my life.”

“I’m neck and neck with Boris Johnson, and he’s only killed 118,189 people.”

He continued “Having broad support is just as good as coming up with a decent set of policies, so I can’t wait to start doing either.”

Featured Image: Wikimedia Commons

Labour Party to immediately schism down to individual members in time-saving policy

Labour today announced that the Party would fracture down to individual members in the interests of saving time.

The news came following the latest schism in the membership, between a group of those who feel that it should be party policy to call anyone who voted for the Conservative Party a “Nazi” and those who believe that “fascist” is the more appropriate term.

Labour leader Keir Starmer stated, “It’s become increasingly apparent that what the Labour Party needs is less, not more, unity.”

“When the Labour Party is fractured between large factions, the sad truth of it is that members of either group are forced to compromise on what they believe in, from the mechanics of party policy to whether those who disagree with your coalition should be cast out of the party or merely have the word ‘Centrist’ branded across their forehead.”

Starmer continued by promising, “This new style of individual membership will ensure that a full range of suggestions and ideologies will be heard, in a confusing, angry roar from which we will craft our manifesto.”

The Labour Party leader went on to rebuff the suggestion that such a restructuring would cause the Party to offer less effective opposition and make it more difficult to win future elections.

“We at the Labour Party believe that all voices should be heard as we work together to build a country that works for everyone,” Starmer concluded. “And if working together without dissent, purity tests, or character assassination was possible before now, then surely it would have been utter madness for us not to do so in either of the previous two elections.”

Keir Starmer uses quotation from former WCW Champion Scott Steiner in Newsnight interview

In a passionate interview on last night’s Newsnight, several political commentators noted that one of Keir Starmer’s statements had been, in fact, a quotation from former WCW Champion, “Big Poppa Pump”, Scott Steiner.

Responding to a question from Lead Presenter Emily Maitlis about his electability and that of the Labour Party, considering the role that former Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn is said to have played in the Party’s 2019 electoral loss to the Conservative Party, Keir Starmer stated,

You know they say that all men are created equal, but you look at me and you look at Boris Johnson and you can see that statement is not true. See, normally if you go one-on-one with another politician, you got a fifty-fifty chance of winning. But I’m a genetic freak and I’m not normal! So you got a twenty-five percent, at best, at beat me. Then you add Sir Ed Davey to the mix, your chances of winning drastic go down. See the election, in 2024, you got a thirty-three and third chance chance of winning, but I…I got a sixty-six and two-thirds chance of winning, because Ed Davey knows he can’t beat me and he’s not even gonna try!

So, Boris Johnson, you take your thirty-three and a third chance, minus my twenty-five percent chance and you got an eight and a third chance of winning at the next General Election. But then you take my seventy-five percent chance of winning, if we was to go one on one, and then add sixty-six and two-thirds percents, I got a hundred forty one and two-thirds chance of winning the election. See Boris, the numbers don’t lie, and they spell disaster for you at the General Election.

Downing Street has so far not issued a response to Keir Starmer’s statement, nor any comment on the question asked in the House of Commons by Tory MP Ben Bradley: “Mr Speaker, If you believe, like me, that feeding children is something only a virtue-signalling communist would care about, gimme a hell yeah.”

Corbyn supporters ecstatic as former Labour leader “wins another argument”

Following the suspension of former Leader of the Opposition Jeremy Corbyn from the Labour Party and the removal of the Labour Whip, sources from the left wing of the party have announced that they are “absolutely thrilled”.

“Being suspended from the Labour Party really is a testament to Jeremy Corbyn’s political beliefs and moral character,” a spokesman for Momentum told The Lampoon’s political correspondent. “Just like delivering a Conservative majority at the previous election, Corbyn being suspended for allegedly trying to interfere in an investigation into antisemitism within Labour is another example of him winning the argument.”

This is not the first time that what many see as a political disaster has been touted by Corbyn’s supporters – or even the man himself – as a form of victory. Following the election of 2019, in which the Conservative party gained a landslide majority of eighty seats in the House of Commons, the then Leader of the Labour Party claimed to have “won the arguments and rewritten the terms of political debate“. Now, as then, those to the left of the Labour Party are framing Corbyn’s suspension as a triumph.

“As a Jezhead, I think that the twenty-three reported instances of inappropriate involvement in the complaints process by the Leader of the Opposition’s Office only makes it clear how right he is, and I’m excited for what the future brings,” one source told our correspondent. “Labour civil war? A schism? The party splitting completely? Whatever happens, I can’t wait to win argument after argument against the biggest threat that our nation faces: Keir Starmer and the Blairite scum who follow him.”