Opinion: why being a student landlord is the new punk

When you first come to university, it’s only natural to want to reinvent yourself. The only problem is that being an “edgy Communist” is actually pretty common these days, to the point of cliché. To be punk is to be subversive and abnormal. You should make the average person consider crossing the road when you walk down the street. When you tell people at a party about what you do, they should make their excuses and find someone else to talk to.

Therefore, I propose that the new “punk” is being a student landlord.

I mean, think about it. Just the mere thought of a person providing property to a person for profit is going to trigger your average Marxist-Leninist student (and make the Marxist-Leninists with Chinese characteristics murderous). Those bleeding-heart progressives surely won’t want to associate with you, thus making your possession of a property portfolio counterculture.

And so, the rub. How does one become a landlord? Well, according to Newfess #NFII21990, you should just buy a cheap property. There was some waffle in the comments about needing an income to obtain a mortgage and needing a deposit of several thousands of pounds but that’s small stuff, don’t sweat it.

My landlord banned my cat, so I got a donkey

After a local landlord banned one Newcastle student from keeping a pet cat, Edna Murphy has opened a donkey sanctuary in her Heaton two-up-two-down. The animal lover says she will never part with her new companions despite calls that she’s acting like she was “born in a barn.”

Commenting on her new status as a proud donkey owner, Murphy noted, “They talk less than they do in the movies, though it is harder than you would think to get a bushel of hay in the local Londis.”

At first, when she was forced by her miserly landlord to hand over her kitty, she turned to the RSPCA. Her heartbreak quickly turned to horror when she was told that there was “no room in the inn” for her cat. In a desperate move to free up space in the shelter, she returned home on a donkey – like some ghastly nativity in reverse – and it has been with her ever since.

Commenting on whether she should be allowed to keep her new four-legged friends in a student flat, Murphy says her tenancy agreement bans cats and dogs, but says “nothing about asses.” She also points at an obscure Newcastle by-law from 1731 that permits “freedom for any beast with ears longer than the King’s member to graze on property where it’s owner resides.”

Her red-faced landlord has complained to the City Council, insisting the donkeys were a “public menace” and arguing that “since donkeys have twice the number of legs as humans and therefore produce twice the amount of wear and tear on the floors, they should each be paying me double the rent!” When The Lampoon consulted our in-house legal team they advised, between desperate gulps of straight whiskey out of the bottle, that “since donkeys are unable to hold a biro, it would be hard to force them to sign their chequebook.” Upon hearing this, we attempted to contact another independant legal expert not stuck in the ’80s, but they never responded to our fax.

As for the cat, the feline is thought to have been picked up by the lovely people from local cat café Mog on the Tyne who, after the success of a recent fundraiser, will be reopening. It is reported that upon hearing this news, the cat’s expression was “one of sheer indifference”, probably due to it being a cat.

Inspired by the cat café, Murphy is planning on turning her home into the world’s first “donkey den” which will offer a wide variety of experiences, such as “bevvies with the burros” or “Magners with the mules.” Unfortunately, our reporter did not have the balls to approach the landlord for a comment on Murphy’s plan, although we’re fairly certain the Student Unions’ resident Maoists have a few plans for him.