Castle Leazes “looks even more like a prison” after barbed wire and searchlights installed

Newcastle University plans to put barbed wire and searchlights around the student accommodation block in an effort to maintain social distancing. A University representative said it will “protect all of us from the dangers of Leazes students.”

The University is taking notes from a Cornish pub which recently installed an electric fence around its bar to protect staff against their thirsty punters. However, they decided against using a similar device in Leazes after a trial run, when a greatly confused rah tried to plug an electric kettle into it and was “blown half-way into Heaton.”

Plans to ban students from having “a sleepover” on another floor were dropped after being deemed “impractical” after research showed “it would be nigh on impossible to tame the raw sexual energy of Newcastle students, even in the light of COVID-19.” A University representative added “we still can’t have all these inmates, sorry, students, just running around the Toon. We can’t let them spread the ‘rona like they spread chlamydia.”

Other measures include 30ft high watchtowers manned by weather-beaten guards, who claim to have already seen it all (and we mean it all) from a similar one recently found in the Herschel Building. Guard dogs will also be deployed, and an eye testing station “fit for a castle” will also be installed. However, a plan to install landmines in Leazes Park was dropped due to safety concerns, not for the students, but for the cows.

When our reporter approached a Castle Leazes student to ask about their imminent incarceration, all they said was “It won’t affect me, that’s what daddy’s lawyers are for. When was the last time you heard of a rich kid going to prison?”

Revealed: Leazes cows have more sex than computer science students

Research has conclusively revealed that the resident cows roaming round the Castle Leazes field get more action than Computer Science students.

The discovery was made by the Computer Science students themselves, who for the past year have been keeping a close eye on the sexual exploits of the Leazes cows. Needless to say, the students didn’t need a very big sheet of paper to keep track of their own tallies.

Student CD Rom spoke to us about the revelations: I thought I knew loads about hardware but it turns out I’m only an expert at software.

“When you meet a nice lady on a night out you can’t take her to bed and just turn her off and back on again. That’s where I’ve been going wrong for the past 19 years.

“The first time I had a girl in my bed I actually tried to find her disc drive, but it turns out that most modern women aren’t compatible with floppy discs.”

Meanwhile, the Leazes cows were proven to be exceptionally horny, allegedly caused by their Love Island binge watch. After they finished the TV show, bulls were seen trying out new positions when they were in the mood.

Reports have also emerged of cows engaged in the reverse cowgirl position, after a curious fresher decided to get involved following a few too many VKs.