Local man in hot water due to burst pipe

Local man Tony Tiyau is in hot water after a pipe broke in his bathroom today. It sprayed all over and scalded him a bit.

“At the end of the day, it’s water off a duck’s back,” Tony said, dabbing a towel over his beloved rubber duck as the clock struck twelve. “I was in the bath when it happened. It got out of hand very quickly. By that, I mean the bar of soap that slipped out of my hand.”

This isn’t the first time Tony has made headlines. He was spotted last October weeping beside an overturned milk truck.

“Tonya, my wife, isn’t happy with me, let me tell you,” Tony lamented. “She’s been furious with me ever since I threw out the baby with the bathwater. It took some beating around the bush to find the baby. Eventually, he was safely located behind a tree in the garden. The dog nearly found him, but was barking up the wrong one.”

“Eventually I let him off the hook,” Tonya told The Lampoon in regards to the bathwater situation. “I admit using a giant metal hook as punishment was a bit much, though. As for last night, I just got tired of Tony’s bullshit, so I hit the sack. I regret that now, he’d already learned his lesson so it was an unnecessary cheap-shot.”

“Needless to say,” Tony concluded as he lathered up at the bathroom sink. “I’ve washed my hands clean of the situation.”

Local man “outraged” over quotes appearing verbatim in News article

Local man Jay Fox, 42, has told the Lampoon that he was “outraged” after his comments to a local reporter were reported verbatim in her article.

The reporter asked Mr Fox about relations between people who stand up to wipe after using the toilet and people who sit down to wipe after using the toilet. He stated in his correspondence with her “in terms of relations between [these groups], I believe there are none”.

The reporter, who wished to remain nameless despite the fact it might get her article some traffic, duly inserted this quote ino the article. The quote was selected on account of it being from a local busybody and thus someone of importance in local news.

Mr Fox proceeded to slam the reporter in in the comments of the article, allegedly directing his friends to do the same.

We at the Lampoon wholeheartedly support Mr Fox. The fight against having words reported as they were said is a noble cause, and we believe Mr Fox’s cry for justice.