Newcastle University students still at home glad they don’t have to go back

Scores of students who intended to only return for a couple of weeks during the holidays have found themselves stuck at home for the last four months due to the government’s anti-COVID travel ban.

While restrictions have been relaxed, universities across the country have urged their students to not return to their accommodation for the foreseeable future.

However, a recent report from the Institute of Studies has found that many – Newcastle students in particular – don’t seem to mind and, in fact, are quite happy about the circumstances.

“I mean, my food and shopping’s practically all sorted for me at home and some people aren’t even having to pay rent,” said student Matthew West, 20, who wishes to remain anonymous.

“Nobody’s even had in-person teaching for months,” West, who lives in Castle Leazes, continued. “I wonder why we’d be asked to stay in student accommodation if the plan was for everything to be online anyway?”

Another student, Derek Hammond, 21, insisted to Lampoon reporters that the COVID-19 pandemic “is all an elaborate hoax”

Sandyford residents “cannot sleep” after Helmsley Road taken over by poltergeists

After locals complained of a loud “techno” wailing being heard well into the night, a local ghost hunter claims Helmsley is now Newcastle’s “most haunted road.”

The evil spirits can be regularly seen wreaking havoc on late-night passers-by, causing them to stumble and stagger about “as if they were heavily intoxicated.” Their loud cacophony is said to be audible up to half a mile away, leading many locals not to just complain about the noise, but also about the undead’s poor taste in music. It has reportedly frightened so many near-by hounds that even landlords are letting them into student flats.

Recent reports on Newfess brought the situation to light after which the University Vice-Chancellor Chris Day, who is an avid user of the platform, supposedly summoned the ghost hunter to take care of the situation. Day was purportedly overheard worrying about the ghost problem, proclaiming that “it looks like another Warwick about to happen.” The hunter, who refuses to be named out of fear of curses, is said to have a PhD in Spookolagy and also be a registered botanist.

Relying on advanced techniques in hearsay and pure emotion, the hunter has concluded that “a poltergeist invasion is the only plausible explanation” for the recent goings-on. He concluded it would be “impossible” for rowdy students to be the cause as, due to COVID-19, large-gatherings are currently banned.

Some frightened locals were seen openly dosing themselves in holy water, locally dubbed “Smirnoff Ice,” in an effort to appease the demons. Others have taken a more traditional approach; it is believed one of the more well endowed Leazes’ cows was burnt on a sacrificial pyre on Sunday night, because it is well-known “phantoms hate the smell of BBQ.”

PE teachers welcome the opportunity to once again belittle young children

As schools reopen following a relaxation of pandemic restrictions, PE teachers across the country have described themselves as “overjoyed” to once again have the opportunity to scream at and bully children as young as four years old.

“It’s been an incredible challenge,” PE teacher Tom Larkin told The Lampoon. “It’s not like you can teach physical education over Zoom, so I’ve been having to try everything I can to get the fulfilment I usually receive from bellowing abuse at terrified children during lockdown. My wife took the kids and ran after the first two weeks of non-stop psychological torment.”

“After that, I had to get more inventive. I tried invading other teachers’ remote classes to tell the kids that they weren’t worth the shit on the bottom of my shoes, but they just kept muting me. It got to the point where I was lurking under bridges, just waiting for the chance to jump out at passers-by and force them to run laps.”

Larkin admitted that he had even been toying with the idea of hiring a prostitute, just so that he could pretend that his addiction to doling out verbal abuse was simply an innocent sexual kink. He eventually abandoned the idea, however, over fears that the clandestine arrangement might permit the woman in question to see his embarrassingly miniscule penis.

Now, Larkin says that he is excited to get back out onto the games fields, aggressively questioning the sexuality of eleven-year-old boys while threatening his underage students with the sexually menacing possibility of having to play in their pants.

Prince Andrew’s location unknown as schools reopen

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace has officially confirmed that, as children across the nation return to their classrooms as part of the gradual lifting of COVID-19 restrictions, that it has been three days since Prince Andrew has last been sighted.

“Of course, it’s not like the Duke of York has done anything illegal, nor indeed morally wrong,” the spokesperson assured the press. “This shouldn’t be viewed as some sort of manhunt. But the Royal Family are simply keen to know that Prince Andrew is safe and well.”

“After all,” he added, “I doubt anyone could claim that Their Majesties do not care deeply about each and every member of their family.”

Prince Andrew, who came under the spotlight in 2019 as a person of interest in the case of convicted sex offender and asphyxiation enthusiast, Jeffrey Epstein, has stepped back from public duties for the foreseeable future in order to pursue his professed personal interest in “consensual sex with people of an appropriate age and who are also just my wife”.

However, Buckingham Palace was keen to suppress any reports that there had been any overt pressure from the Queen to keep Prince Andrew out of the public eye.

“The idea that any white member of the Royal Family would be constrained in any manner is absurd,” the spokesman told the media. “There is absolutely no truth to the rumours that the Duke of York would have needed to remove an ankle bracelet that tracked his geographical location of all times before his disappearance, and any reports that he did so by chewing off his own foot are utterly without substance.”

Buckingham Palace has since released a statement, warning any schoolchildren within a fifty-mile radius of the palace grounds to remain alert and to be prepared to defend themselves from Meghan Markle.

Man outraged by Tier 2 sex ban entirely unaffected by it

A Heaton man has been reported as outraged over the ban on sex between couples who are living apart in Tier 2 and 3 areas. The Lampoon can also reveal it will make absolutely no difference to his lifestyle whatsoever.

According to the man, sex won’t spread coronavirus, seeing as it isn’t that intimate, at least when it’s with him.

“That guy getting worried about a ban on sex is like Boris Johnson getting worried about a ban on showers,” one of his friends told our sex reporter.

Our sex reporter is a dominatrix who works in the sex shop in which The Lampoon keeps an office. She kindly agreed to take the job on the condition she be allowed to quit as soon as someone in our writing or editorial staff has sex. She celebrates a decade in the job next week.

Our staff do occasionally have sex when the dominatrices need to work on their bukkake. This is strictly a professional endeavour mind, which is why black shoes are required to match the gimp suit at all times.

The Lampoon has no issue with those who choose not to be sexually active. The Heaton man insists it is a choice.

Army out-claps RAF in an effort to thank NHS

After an ex-RAF Spitfire took to the skies over Newcastle emblazoned with a slogan thanking the NHS, some of the North East’s greatest retired military minds, eager not to be outdone, have come up with their own plan to “truly one-up these flying-core scallywags once and for all.”

The scheme, which has been described as the “bravest act of patriotism since Diana become the People’s Princess in the sky,” is to send a regiment of WWII battle tanks on a 10-mile parade around the Toon spray-painted with NHS rainbows and messages of support of key workers. The crescendo of the event will take place in the Bigg Market where locals will be made to line the streets and take part in a 20-minute clap, which organisers say will flush “those damn COVID Jerries like in the good old days.”

When we asked one Newcastle doctor about the generous act in his honour, he said: “This is just the latest example of performative jingoism which does nothing to fight the virus, just to try and appease our desire for some semblance of order; now stop pestering me I’m halfway through surgery.” However, we at The Lampoon love a good spectacle and chose to ignore his comments as he sounds like a pretentious twat.

This event is set out to be one of the greats of the 21st century, though we are disappointed to announce that the plan for a platoon of soldiers to goose step to Vera Lynn’s ‘We’ll Meet Again’ is to be dropped as it would break the rule of six. However, we at The Lampoon feel this great event is exactly what we need right now: to fight the virus we should come out together, bunch up, and shout, cheer and clap it away.

“We’re not angry with you, just disappointed,” say North East Council Leaders

As the Government announced that the North East would enter into a second lockdown following rising rates of COVID-19 infections, Council Leaders across the region issued a joint statement, telling residents that they couldn’t help but be a little bit disappointed with their behaviour over the past several months.

Speaking to The Toon Lampoon’s plague and pestilence correspondent, Newcastle Council Leader Nick Forbes stated, “I, personally, really did expect better from you all. I know it’s been a difficult time, but that is, frankly, no excuse for this kind of behaviour.”

Adding to Forbes’ comments, Leader of Gateshead Council Martin Gannon told The Lampoon, “I’m well aware that things are different in other countries: the President of the United States is letting everyone do what they like, and Bolsonaro is telling everyone that it’s just a little flu. But if all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it as well?”

“Did you think that you were being cool?” asked North Tyneside Mayor, Norma Redfearn. “Did you think that everyone would like you better if you walked around without a mask, hanging out in groups of more than thirty? Because let me tell you, that sort of behaviour’s impressing no-one.”

The new lockdown measures would limit gatherings, preventing socialising with anyone outside your household, whether at home, in public spaces, or at bars and restaurants. “We know that it may not seem fair,” Durham Council Leader Simon Henig stated, “but this is really is for your own good. You may not be able to understand it now, but I – and the rest of the City Council Leaders – have only your best interests at heart.”

Henig later informed The Lampoon that pubs would still remain open until 10pm, as “we didn’t want you to feel like we were coming down too hard on you. Now, run along, you little scamps.”

Castle Leazes “looks even more like a prison” after barbed wire and searchlights installed

Newcastle University plans to put barbed wire and searchlights around the student accommodation block in an effort to maintain social distancing. A University representative said it will “protect all of us from the dangers of Leazes students.”

The University is taking notes from a Cornish pub which recently installed an electric fence around its bar to protect staff against their thirsty punters. However, they decided against using a similar device in Leazes after a trial run, when a greatly confused rah tried to plug an electric kettle into it and was “blown half-way into Heaton.”

Plans to ban students from having “a sleepover” on another floor were dropped after being deemed “impractical” after research showed “it would be nigh on impossible to tame the raw sexual energy of Newcastle students, even in the light of COVID-19.” A University representative added “we still can’t have all these inmates, sorry, students, just running around the Toon. We can’t let them spread the ‘rona like they spread chlamydia.”

Other measures include 30ft high watchtowers manned by weather-beaten guards, who claim to have already seen it all (and we mean it all) from a similar one recently found in the Herschel Building. Guard dogs will also be deployed, and an eye testing station “fit for a castle” will also be installed. However, a plan to install landmines in Leazes Park was dropped due to safety concerns, not for the students, but for the cows.

When our reporter approached a Castle Leazes student to ask about their imminent incarceration, all they said was “It won’t affect me, that’s what daddy’s lawyers are for. When was the last time you heard of a rich kid going to prison?”

Sharks starve as local idiots die of COVID-19 instead of going surfing

A representative from the San Francisco Shark Association appealed on Thursday night for idiots to avoid dying of COVID-19, claiming that without them resident sharks would go hungry. Mr Carcharodon said food poverty among shark families was dramatically increasing as local idiots were dying of COVID-19 instead of going surfing.

Local idiots are a crucial source of protein for sharks, and should be eaten at least once a week as part of a healthy diet, according to figures published by Newcastle University’s Marine Dietary Specialists Department. Local idiots mimic the appearance of seals by wearing wetsuits and swimming in close proximity to seal colonies, making them excellent targets for sharks.

Mr White claimed that there is a correlation between these “reckless surfer types” and those who refuse to wear a mask. One local idiot The Lampoon interviewed also complained about wearing shark-proof chainmail, saying his “right to swim naked” was being compromised. Shortly after the interview took place he lost his right leg to a hammerhead.

In contrast, the shark community has taken the pandemic very seriously, with most individuals observing social distancing and choosing to wear a mask.

Luckily the plight of the sharks has been championed by other animal rights groups. A group of 40 koalas held a charity BBQ and completed a hot coals walk to raise money for the starving sharks. Mr White, a representative from the shark community, thanked the koalas for their efforts.

Drunken brawls deemed essential business

In a landmark decision today, the British Government waived the need to maintain social distancing when driving a pint glass into a fellow drinker’s face again and again and again following the reopening of pubs on July 4th.

It was thought that the Government’s easing of lockdown protocol just over a week ago, which included allowing bars and pubs to open their doors, would involve strict regulations on a set distance to maintain from other drinkers. However, Government sources claimed that drunken fistfights out on the streets were an essential aspect of this new stage of precautions.

“It’s important that our culture and our national identity is not one of the casualties of this dreadful pandemic,” Government spokesman Richard R. Reginald told The Lampoon today. ‘Beating your fellow man half to death with a pool cue or shattering a bottle across his face after fifteen pints is a uniquely British activity, and it has never been the position of this Government that the country should have to sacrifice its customs or its culture.”

“Of course, this comes with its drawbacks, as any solution will,” Reginald went on to say. “Not every fight is going to be two equally-soused gentlemen in roughly the same weight class squaring up to each other. We’re hearing stories of men who queued up for pub entry at nine in the morning picking a fight with a man who’s just finished his second pint. You know, so they’re at that point when they’re weirdly good at everything? I mean, in that scenario, your average drunk is going to take more fists than an experimental porn star, which means more work for an already over-encumbered NHS.”

Asked what the Government plans to do to solve this issue, Reginald could offer The Lampoon few concrete suggestions. “At the moment, we’re considering splitting pubs into weight classes,” the source told us. “Something that would make this a little less of a farce. We’ve also given some thought to a training regimen for anyone willing to risk their precious health for a pint in order to even the playing field a bit. I mean, some of these men have been physically abusing their families almost every day since lockdown. That’s commitment, and that no-days-off attitude makes a real difference.”

Reginald went on to hotly deny any rumours that the Government was turning a blind eye to these brawls as a means of bringing down the population and creating fewer vectors for the coronavirus. “That’s ridiculous. If we were trying to kill off some of the population, we’d be using a lot more effective methods than letting a bunch of Eastenders characters work out their deep-seated emotional issues and childhood traumas on each other. I imagine, hypothetically, that we’d have sent out deliberately conflicting advice, made face masks a matter of personal choice, undermined public confidence in the lockdown, and paid everyone to go and eat at restaurants.”

Government Ministers have yet to issue an official comment on the increased levels of violence following the reopening of the pubs. When asked for comment, Downing Street stated that the Cabinet is currently more concerned with trying to protect Prime Minister Boris Johnson from getting battered around the House of Commons on a weekly basis by Keir Starmer.