True ally? Guy mansplains to trans women just as much

A local man has been found mansplaining to trans women just as much as to cis women, in a truly touching feat of allyship. The man is to be awarded the Bare Minimum Award by Mermaids, reserved exclusively for cisgender people who manage to go an entire week without bigotry.

The Lampoon tracked down the man and asked him for an interview, after rifling through his bins.  The bin rifling was not for journalistic purposes; we’d just heard a rumour that he’d thrown out a TV.

“I might be patronising, rude and incredibly disrespectful, but I’m not a terf,” the man explained to The Lampoon’s condescension correspondent. “And what better way is there to show that I respect a group of people than being completely obnoxious?”

A transgender woman familiar with the man agreed to speak to The Lampoon, in the knowledge that its record on trans rights is better than most broadsheets.

“When he explained to me how my chosen name should be spelt, I knew I’d found someone I could trust,” the woman told The Lampoon. “If I’m really lucky, maybe he’ll explain all of my opinions on Sylvia Plath back to me.”

“He’s so arrogant, and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have an IQ of 30: at last, I feel like a woman.”

Featured image: Pxfuel

Women in collective sigh of relief after Ian from Slough says ‘not all men’

Women across the country have today been able to breathe easier after Ian, a single 57 year old from Slough, took it upon himself to tell women that not all men are potential threats to their safety/ lives.

We spoke to one woman who wished to remain nameless about the development: ‘I am so delighted Ian has told me that not all men are threats. At night when I traveled home I would have my keys wedged between my fingers ready to gouge at a potential attacker. Now I keep my keys in my bag. I owe it to Ian, my hero’.

Another woman, Kirsty had this to say: ‘Ian has single-handedly ended violence against women. I would give him the Nobel Peace Prize. Absolute gem of a man. He can wolf-whistle me any day, especially as sexual harassment is now gone!’

Ian went on to say in his poorly written Facebook post that ‘back in [his] day, women were far more open to advances from men. Now they don’t want to speak to [him] when [he] starts walking next to them in a dark and secluded area. Make women polite again!!!’ was his finishing remark.