Despite being described by many as a hellish marriage of right wing views and the height of poor taste, it was today announced that the limited range of sex dolls crafted in the image of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has already been completely sold out.
“It’s no surprise, honestly,” said Chief of Fuckpuppet Design Arthur Clamp. “We’ve poured millions into this product, and I believe that it is the most accurate simulacrum of the former premier that there has ever been.”
The Margaret Thatcher Privatesteasation 5000 is reportedly the most advanced sex doll that has ever been produced, boasting an array of never-seen-before features, including a selection of the three-term Prime Minister’s famous quotes that the doll can be programmed to say mid-coitus.
“We are especially proud of the doll’s vocal performance,” Clamp told The Lampoon. “There are snippets from her speeches in there, of course, as well as the whole episode of Yes, Prime Minister that the old girl wrote, with the option for it to be clearly enunciated in her signature style or else muffled and unclear should the doll’s mouth be…obstructed.”
In a further reveal, Clamp announced that any dolls sold to certain areas of the United Kingdom would be shipped with an attachable twelve-inch phallus, “in the event that anyone in the North of England, or Scotland, or Wales, or Ireland would like to turn back the clock and experience the sensation of being roughly fucked by the Iron Lady.”
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Recently, we’ve received complaints from Netflix users who want to bang Gillian Anderson while she’s in character as Margaret Thatcher on The Crown. So we’ve partnered with The Toon Lampoon, the only “media” outlet seedy enough to run a story about user horniness. Here’s how to come to terms with wanting to bang Gillian Anderson’s turn as the Iron Lady.
1.) Take a cold shower
Given everything Margaret Thatcher did in her premiership, it’s easy to feel guilty about wanting to bang her. So we’d recommend a nice, cold shower. We’re talking full-on hugging your knees as you rock back and forth, like what I wanted to do when I was given consciousness to give sassy replies on Twitter!
2.) Get horny about people who are slightly less evil
Don’t worry, we said slightly! Ween yourself off Thatcher by transferring your feelings for her onto other, marginally less morally bankrupt figures. We recommend Jeff Bezos, or Emperor Nero. We all love the boy-in-the-band type, so what about the guy who played the fiddle while Rome burnt? Woof woof!
3.) Accept it, you coward
You’ve been watching The Crown since it came out four years ago. Of course an indulgent caper through the history of the royal family was going to be sympathetic to Thatcher. You suppressed your feelings for Churchill, and for Anthony Eden. What’s the use of denying it any longer? Close this window, masturbate to Gillian Anderson’s over-enunciated, historically accurate vowels, and then – just before the shame fully engulfs you – renew your Netflix subscription. There’s a good kid.
In what has been described as a “shallow attempt to woo younger demographics”, the Conservative Party has begun a campaign claiming that Margaret Thatcher was “the original gangsta”.
“What people don’t realise about Maggie T. is that she was the real O.G.,” said E. Tonian MP. “The Iron Lady got up to some real hardcore shit back in the day: she defeated the miners and the Argentinians during her three terms as Prime Minister. She was for real, son: she was as real as it gets.”
A Conservative special advisor echoed Tonian’s comments, stating, “When I think of what a real bad bitch is in the modern world, I don’t think of Harley Quinn or Theresa May, but rather of M. Thizzle. It’s all very well to say ‘fuck tha police’, but I’d say it’s far more gangsta to send in the Met to really fuck up some of those punkass miner biznitches.”
When asked for comment on the campaign, Prime Minister Boris Johnson told The Lampoon’s political correspondent, “I have all the respect for Margaret Thatcher, whose Euroscepticism has been a guiding light to this administration as it struggles with the intractable and overly-bureaucratic European Union. Some would say that her stance against a single currency was a contribution to her downfall, but that same choice helped create the Brexit movement that profits the valiant people of Great Britain today. In my opinion, there’s nothing more gangsta than that.”
Sources close to Boris Johnson have confirmed rumours that a vision of Margaret Thatcher appeared to the Prime Minister to convey her disappointment in his recent policies.
Having been led out to a large body of water near Chequers by Dominic Cummings, Johnson was at first under the impression that he was looking at his own reflection, anonymous sources told The Lampoon. However, once Cummings made him look closer, the Prime Minister became aware that it was indeed the Iron Lady gazing back at him.
Sources then described the deceased three-term Prime Minister appearing in the sky above Boris Johnson, formed out of dark clouds.
“She told Boris that he had forgotten her,” sources told The Lampoon’s political correspondent. “I mean, she literally said, ‘you have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me’. The Prime Minister tried to protest, but then the…the other Prime Minister, the dead one, said that he had to look inside himself, as he was more than what he had become.”
Our correspondent asked if there had been any indication of what Margaret Thatcher had meant by her cryptic words. “Oh, no, she was extremely clear,” the source stated. “She had an actual list of policies that she wasn’t happy about: giving people money to go on furlough, allowing civil servants to work from home rather than get sick, trying to woo the North as opposed to sending in the Met to kick the shite out of the locals. It was roughly ten minutes of itemised criticism.”
The COVID-19 pandemic has caused Johnson’s administration to enact several policies that many have noted would be more characteristic of a left-wing government. This, however, is the first time in history that a former Prime Minister has literally dragged themselves out of hell to inform their successor of their disapproval.