Newcastle and Northumbria Uni’s Rivalry continues as both try to outdo one another with COVID cases

The competitive spirit between the two universities is, ironically, alive and well.

Newcastle’s two universities, Newcastle University and Northumbria University, have been engaged in a tense competition lately to see which university can crown themselves the king of COVID.

After the shocking announcement earlier this month that Northumbria Uni had seen a spike of over 700 cases, Newcastle Uni, not wanting to be seen as second best, announced over 1000 new cases just days later.

A spokesperson for Newcastle City Council had the following to say, ‘in these dark times, it’s refreshing and uplifting to see the good-spirited rivalry between our two universities live on and adapt through these difficult times. As a Newcastle University alumni, it’s hard for me to not be biased, I can only hope the red brick continues to excel.’

Numerous charities have expressed their interest in sponsoring and legitimising the contest, with a respiratory illness charity saying it would like to donate ventilators to the winning university.

Newcastle University calls Northumbria “a fringe cult”

In the latest entry in a conflict stretching back over decades, a representative from Newcastle University today described their rival institution as a “fringe cult of false prophets and lost men”.

Speaking to The Lampoon’s academia correspondent, Newcastle University’s High Priest Anthony Aarons insisted that Northumbria was “nothing but empty halls, echoing lies and decay.”

“To call them rivals is to degrade ourselves,” Aarons (478) told The Lampoon. “Only Newcastle University has the true knowledge. We have the wisdom of the ages. We have a Subway and a Dominoes in our Union. What are we if not the Dark Gods’ chosen?”

Despite what representatives from Northumbria University have termed “a demonstration of the limitations of the High Priest’s own wisdom, whose great personage should come and have a go if he thinks he’s hard enough,” Aarons assured The Lampoon that this is not a call towards violent action.

“The Dread and Terrible Deities of Academia and Research have elected us to be a beacon of light and repository for funding in this city,” Aarons stated. “To engage in a pointless and violent struggle would only lower ourselves in Their sight. I come here now only to spread the word of our great status and responsibility, and to remind all readers that clearing is now open until October 21st, guidance for which can be found at our website. This I have spoken, and this you shall enact.”

Newcastle and Northumbria University pair refuse to deny their forbidden love

The Toon Lampoon can exclusively reveal a star-crossed romance between two university students, separated by a five-minute walk and a rivalry unlikely ever to end.

Nikki Nickson spoke out today on the tremendous pressure that hiding her love for Keith Kenrick has placed her under, causing her to become secretive and withdrawn and even making her feel like a stranger in her own university.

“It’s been awful,” said Nickson, an eighteen-year-old Biomedical undergraduate at Newcastle University. “I thought, you know, when it started out, that it wouldn’t matter to anyone. But you hear people saying stuff – you hear what they really think – and it lets you know you can’t afford to be honest about the relationship.”

Nikki met Keith, 79, at a pub in the city centre, shortly after beginning her undergraduate education. “I don’t actually remember our first meeting,” she told The Lampoon’s human interest and sexual scandals correspondent. “All I know is from that one fateful night during Freshers Week, we began our journey together.”

Kenrick, a PhD student studying political fiction at Northumbria University, said that he’s not surprised by the resistance to their love. “People are never accepting of different people being together; it’s just where they look that’s changed. Fifty years ago, these people wouldn’t be happy to see a black man stepping out with a white woman, and this, to my mind, is the exact same kind of discrimination.”

Even in the brief period following the revelation, friends of the couple have registered their distaste at a love that has somehow overcome a 0.3-mile gulf. “I can’t get my head around it,” said one anonymous source, while another stated, “This shouldn’t be allowed.”

Even Kenrick’s sister, when reached for comment, made her own feelings on her brother’s Shakespearean romance clear. “He’s always been like this. Personally, I think it’s disgusting, and I just hope that poor girl comes to her senses.”

Undaunted by the criticism, however, Nikki and Keith are determined to live their lives out in the open, refusing to hide their feelings for each other in the face of this inter-academia feud. 

Hancock in ruins as inter-uni tensions rise

Following the temporary cease-fire due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the rivalry between Newcastle University and Northumbria reached a new level of intensity early morning yesterday.

The Hancock pub is, (or was) the dividing line between the two institutions; it served as a standard venue for most meetings and parleys between the two student bodies, like the famous “Newcastle Tory Society and Northumbria’s one Tory” meeting.

The confrontation is only the latest skirmish in the long conflict over who has jurisdiction over the Hancock. The Hancock has long been referred to as the Kashmir of Newcastle. According to Newcastle students it has long since been their own. After all, it is only just down the highly efficient cycle path-cum-pavement from their library. Northumbria have instead insisted it is their’s, a tangible claim made based on a building with their name on it being visible a Marjorie Robinson and a road away from the establishment.

It didn’t take long for conflict to spark up once the pub re-opened following lock-down. Students from both universities decided to choose it as their post-pandemic haunt, only for the disagreement to reignite once the first round of lukewarm Fosters were put-away. A pool related confrontation is said to have broken out close to 9 am, although these reports are unconfirmed.

All of a sudden, tragedy struck, any possibility of further conflict was wiped from the face of the earth early Wednesay morning, along with the pub itself. Residents were shocked to see a crater where the Hancock, plus its exclusive beer ‘garden’, once proudly stood. The only sign of what once remained was a broken pool cue and a black and white photo of a Chimp playing the fiddle. We can only wonder what song that Chimp would be playing today. ‘Give Peace a Chance’, perhaps?

Workers sift through the rubble

The news came as a shock to both warring parties. A Newcastle student was quoted, standing tearful amongst the carnage, as saying “Where are we expected to go now? That beer garden was the closest we had to a rooftop terrace. Alright, it wasn’t a rooftop, but it had those red heater thingies, indie rock, and the wind cut right through it, so you know what I mean. Who are you anyway? Are you even a real reporter? Why do you smell like sulphur? Get away from me!”.

Strong words reader, strong words. A war that has cost so much yet achieved so little. Where will the destruction stop now it has finally begun? All we are saying, is give peace a chance.