Fans have spotted a ‘glory hunting twats’ stand being installed at St James’ Park, a struggling community centre in the north east of England.
This follows the acquisition of Newcastle United Football Club by Saudi Arabia, the world’s least sexually liberated sugar daddy.
A spokesperson for the club swam through piles of money being dumped in the room by industrial diggers to speak to The Lampoon.
“This exciting new extension is to get ahead of the changes we expect to see at the club over the next few years. Namely, improving the reputation of one of the worst human rights abusers on Earth, and Newcastle supporters getting called fake fans in eighteen months by Man City fans.”
“We can’t wait for this new stand to attract hundreds of thousands of Twitter followers, and maybe three ticket sales.”
“That’s what this is about: community,” she explained, before spitting out several £50 notes.
We’re in the fledgling stages of a real spectacle of a Premier League season, and there are already plenty of upsets spicing things up in the UK’s biggest football division. There are a lot of different ways you can rank and order the 20 clubs that participate in this year’s Prem, but there is only one that truly matters: from least to most, how likely is it for each team to stage a coup d’état in Chile?
#20: Manchester City
Following the City Group’s acquisition of Santiago City – their 139th football club – it looks near-impossible for the Citizens to speak out against the Chilean government, let alone stage a full-on coup against them.
#19: Crystal Palace
Eagles manager Roy Hodgson is an outspoken advocate for the National Renewal Party of Chile. Unless things were to dramatically change, Palace would be in prime position to defend Chile from a military coup, not participate in one.
#18: Arsenal
Given Tottenham Hotspur’s rigidly anti-Chile stance, it is rumoured that Arsenal are in favour of maintaining the status quo in Santiago, simply out of spite.
#17: Sheffield United
Chris Wilder’s men are known to work on a shoestring budget, so it’s unlikely that they would find themselves in the right financial position to launch a military coup of any kind, never mind one that would see them traverse an ocean and most of a continent in transit.
#16: West Bromwich Albion
There’s just something about the Baggies that says “No, they probably won’t involve themselves in large-scale military operations in South America”.
#15: Brighton & Hove Albion
When asked about Chile, Graham Potter went on a fifteen minute rant about how Chile is, traditionally speaking, a beanless dish, and that anyone who includes beans in their Chile is disgracing its Mexican roots. From this, we can decipher that his involvement in the country’s politics is minimal.
#14: Wolverhampton Wanderers
Wolves seem far too busy pretending to be Portuguese, so they are unlikely to make a move on Chile at the present.
A picture taken during the 2014 unrest spurred on by Stoke City, who are no longer in the Premier League. Image: C64-92 on Flickr
#13-10: Leicester City, Everton, Leeds United & Southampton
Given that these four Premier League clubs are actively involved in a military coup in Sierra Leone, they seem to have their hands full at the present. Things can quickly change, but for now, West Africa will keep this coalition busy.
#9: Fulham
In what looks to be a difficult season ahead for the Cottagers, it’s likely that Scott Parker may look towards more creative methods for survival in the Premier League. Whether that means signing a new centre-back in January or seizing power in the Chilean capital, we cannot possibly know.
#8: Newcastle United
When asked about Chile, Steve Bruce said “No, I’m warm enough, thanks”. There is certainly potential, however, that Bruce’s words were faux-ignorance, and that he is plotting a coup as we speak.
#7: Manchester United
After what happened with Alexis Sánchez, how could Man United fans not want to see a significant restructure of Chilean politics? With that being said, it’s unlikely that the Glazers will fund a venture of this magnitude, as they have already set their sights on the cheaper, more realistic option of a Venezuelan military coup.
#6: Chelsea
With news arriving of Chelsea’s failed attempt to purchase Chile in the summer transfer window, things are tense between the Blues and the South American country. Frank Lampard may seek alternate methods of acquisition this winter.
#5-3: Aston Villa, Burnley & West Ham
This trio of teams were recently spotted attending a “Claret & Blue Conversion Rally”, in which a union of organisations that share the same colour scheme plotted to force all of the world’s institutions into representing the claret & blue, including the Chilean government. Unless Chile complies and switches up the colours on their flag, it’s looking like military intervention may be inevitable.
#2: Tottenham Hotspur
José Mourinho has repeatedly insulted Chilean President Sebastián Piñera in press conferences this season, calling him a “wasteman” and a “clout-chaser”. With Spurs-Chile relations nearing boiling point, it is only a matter of time before a coup is on the cards.
#1: Liverpool
There’s just something about Jürgen Klopp that screams “this man is a severe and immediate threat to the current ruling political party of Chile”. One look at his toothy grin would send shivers down the spine of any right-leaning Chilean, and, although Klopp hasn’t formally commented on the matter, it is surely only a matter of time before Salah & co. arrive on the Chilean coast.
The Saudi Arabian government has today accepted the blame for a historic mistake after they accidentally bombed St. James’ Park, the home of Newcastle United. This came after it was announced that the Saudi-led takeover of Newcastle’s football team had fell through.
Speaking on the accidental bombing campaign, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has claimed “there was a slight mix-up on our part, I’ll be the first to admit that. You guys know how these things go.”
Citizens of Newcastle are bewildered with the latest development in the takeover saga. One local man, Neil Waylike, told The Lampoon he’s “devastated. Absolutely devastated. I know the takeover didn’t go through, but this is a bit much like. In fact, we’re in an even worse situation than we were before. Heartbroken man. I’m heartbroken.”
Even more bewildered at the news are the citizens of Yemen. One man from the Yemeni capital of Sana’a, who wished to remain anonymous, told local press that “the mood here is weird at the moment. On the positive side, due to the Saudi investment, we’re now favourites for the 2022 World Cup. That’s pretty good I suppose.”
The Lampoon has journalists on the ground in Newcastle, ready to bring our readers any further twists in the takeover saga.
This report has been sent to us from thirty years in the future, which means The Lampoon will run at least thirty years longer than expected.
In a stunning turn of events, recent leaks to The Lampoon suggest news of a potential Saudi takeover of Newcastle United could be imminent.
Representatives from the Saudi sovereign wealth fund began their attempt to remove from ownership sports tycoon and Victorian workhouse aficionado Mike Ashley in January 2019. Now, only 1656 weeks later, recent rumours have led some fans to believe that the wait may be over.
The main issue with the takeover is the political rivalry between the Saudis and the Qataris, specifically involving issues around TV rights and piracy. “When I took this job I thought I was just box ticking,” says Premier League representative D. Runkard. “But instead, I’m having to sort out Gulf state conflicts. Who knew the Middle East was so complicated?”
The other main stumbling block behind the Newcastle takeover is that for the past 18 years, communications from Mike Ashley have dried up. “He certainly has been playing hardball with us,” an unnamed Saudi representative told The Lampoon. “But I suppose that’s to be expected when one party in the negotiations has been dead for 18 years.”
Pep Guardiola has criticised his team for only managing 5 goals against a poor Newcastle side a few weeks ago at the Etihad. Steve Bruce thought he was having another tactical blinder, when he decided to play both out-of-favour full backs DeAndre Yedlin and Emil Krafth.
After surrendering the FA Cup quarter final to Man City before a whistle was blown earlier this year, fans were anticipating a strong performance against last years champions… perhaps only a 2-0 beating.
Unfortunately, only 10 minutes into the game, Newcastle fans were disappointingly reminded that Steve Bruce is still their manager.
Despite this massive loss, pundits who are good friends with Bruce have come out and backed the manager, claiming he has done a fantastic job this season. Bruce has thanked the unbiased and non sycophantic press for backing him during these difficult times, when his tactical mediocrity is truly exposed.
In other news, Newcastle fans are welcoming the prospect of games against Man City being dubbed the “Human Rights Violation Derby” next season, if their Saudi backed takeover is to go through.
The Toon Lampoon 